I hate how...

...I can attempt to my foot down, say what I mean and mean why I say, and then somehow lose all my nerve, take it all back and repeat the cycle. So dumb.

Spinning

I love how songs can say one thing and mean so much more, perhaps differently, to everyone who listens to them.

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.

-Ashton Shepherd

I ain't the kind you take home to mama
I ain't the kind to wear no ring
Somehow I always get stronger
When I'm on my second drink

Even though I hate to admit it
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes
Christian folks say I should quit it
I just smile and say, "God bless"

'Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He'd understand a heart like mine

-Miranda Lambert

Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from Heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all

His body the bread
His blood the wine
Broken and poured out all for love
The whole earth trembled
And the veil was torn

-Chris Tomlin

Death

It has been awhile since I've had the time, made the time or perhaps utilized the time to blog. I love it when I get the chance though so I'm definitely glad to be doing it now.

I mentioned this in a blog post a few weeks ago that I was becoming obsessed with the idea and thoughts of death and at the time it was said in a half-serious way but I just thought it was because of my dog and that I'd get over it. Sadly, I didn't. Last week was honestly the worst week I had had dealing with it and it was just overwhelming. I had opened up to Ethan a little but about it at the beginning of the week and he seemed supportive but mildly annoyed. I think it was mostly because he didn't quite know what to say but also because he hated seeing my so distressed. During the first part of the week I tried to keep it to myself but eventually, it all came tumbling down and I found myself having two anxiety attacks in one day. I haven't had those in a long time. I did a little research online (and not my typical WebMD type of research) and I found lots of support groups for what I was going through but they were ALL based out of OCD websites. Interesting. I've always thought I had a mild case of OCD and even as a kid displayed several OCD tendencies but I've also never been formally diagnosed and just assumed it was just a part of who I was. I was a bit relieved to know that I wasn't the only one who had anxiety attacks brought on by the thoughts of death/dying/finite life but it didn't calm me down as much as I would have liked. Ethan had stayed with me Thursday night and it was such a wonderful day. I truly loved spending so much time with him and I was feeling so good... I got to work Friday afternoon and things sort of fell apart. Too much time to think and too many negative thoughts meant that I was on the road for falling apart. I called E and he just listened to me and let me cry and instead of irritation he said all the right words. Instead of saying that he didn't know what to say or didn't have any advice to give, he mustered up the strength to say the perfect things and to be the best part of me. I felt better going into the weekend but I still have this uneasy feeling. I'm hoping this will pass but I don't really know, to be honest.

Before all of that I was was dealing with a really stressful week at school, staying up super late to finish a final paper and tying up a few loose ends before school starts to wind down. I'm trying to finalize a schedule for summer that I can get myself on. I think that if I were more organized and more more prepared that I would be more able to concentrate on the now and less on the future. I think part of being less anxious about death is being more anxious about the present day, that is, to enjoy the time you have. Unfortunately, I don't enjoy much of anything. Even time I spend with friends seems like a chore because I feel rushed to get to them, rushed to get ready and sometimes, rushed to get done. So i've made lots of plans to clean and get rid of things I don't need so that I can just relax more and spend more time doing things I enjoy.

I have lots more to blog about (this was actually written yesterday) but I'm thinking about doing a vlog for all of that... we'll see :) I don't know that anyone would actually watch it! haha

Old But Good

This was on my old blog. It's the only post I didn't want to delete, so I moved it here for safe keeping. It's so funny to read something you wrote a year ago and realize that it's still relevant today.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Changing my Plans

I'm finally coming to terms with Ethan's decision to enlist in the military. I suppose, more than anything, I am just in a little shock. If anyone knows me really well, they know that I'm a big fan of "plans". Someone once told me that if you want to be successful, all you need are three things: A short term, 5 year and 10 year plan. Well, that made sense to me. Now, I'm not suggesting that my 5 year and 10 year plans are mapped out perfectly. I have no idea what will come my way during my journey in life, but I have goals. The problem is, I did not factor military life into any of my plans.

Now, I know that some people might say, "This is not your life to plan, the military isn't in any of your plans." And, to those people, I feel like I need to offer a little insight. I know we're young. And, Ethan and I are by no means planning on running off to the courthouse before he even leaves for basic traning, but, we are in this relationship for the long run. I understand that we have no way of knowing where life will take us, but God has blessed our relationship for over two years and, after committing so much of your time and love into one person, it is hard to not plan for your future without them. No, we aren't engaged. But, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him. So, when Ethan joins the military, our lives change.

I suppose the National Guard is better than flat out joining the Army, however, North Carolina has the highest rate of deployment for National Guard. Also, our government is flat out abusing the National Guard anyway, so his likelihood of being deployed is pretty damn good. I'm not prepared for the worry, the anger, the sadness, the surprise, the frustrations and the responsibility of waiting.

But, I have to take a step back. Since when am I in charge of my plans? God has my plans in His hand. I might think I've got it all planned out and then, God says, "No, Olivia. That is not where you are going in life." And just as easily as I mapped out my future, God steps in and changes my direction. I know that, in reality, Ethan is not saying "I am changing your plans", but rather God is taking us in His hands and saying, "These were your plans all along." It's a tough pill to swallow, I'm not going to lie. It's absolutely humbling and amazing when you think about how little in control you are of your own life, and yet, at the same time, we have the power to change it and mold it as we wish. We can either comply with God's wishes are we can reject Him and hope for the best. "Trust in the Lord". Such wonderful advice, but at the same time, it's kind of lousy. Okay, trust. But how? How can I trust when I am so worried and confused? How am I supposed to know that my prayers are being heard, answered, wait-listed? I know that these questions are all part of my Christian journey, and the answers won't ever appear in the fashion that I would like, and maybe that's part of the joy when you're prayers are answered.

So, I suppose my "coming to terms" with Ethan's decision is not really about Ethan at all, but rather, I am beginning to run to God and tell him,

"God,I cannot deal with this alone. I need Your help. I need you to take Ethan under your wing and walk with him as he embarks on this journey. Lord,take me and guide me down the path that You, not I, have chosen. I pray that you watch over us and let us know that Your wishes are being carried out. Lord, please protect Ethan and every man or woman entering the military and those who already have made a commitment to their country. Bring peace and comfort to their families and friends, and Lord, thank you for never failing to change my plans. Amen."

Isaiah 42:16 - "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

Long Were The Nights...

Long were the nights
When the days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps,
Prayin’ the floor won’t fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky and go back
And turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules every day
Wonderin' which version of you
I might get on the phone, tonight,
Well I stopped pickin’ up
And this song is to let you know why

Dear John,
I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I shoulda known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Maybe it's you and your sick need
To give love then take it away
And you’ll add my name
To your long list of traitors
Who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret
How I ignored when they said
Run as fast as you can

Dear John,
I see all it now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

Dear John,
I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark twisted games
When I loved you so
I shoulda known

You are an expert at sorry
And keeping lines blurry
And never impressed by me
Acing your tests
All the girls that you run dry
Have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out
But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear John,
I see all it now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with the girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I see all it now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Wrote you a song
You should’ve known
You shoulda known
Don’t you think I was too young
You shoulda known.

Oh, Taylor Swift. I think someone has escaped my memories and then you have this song that reminds me of said person with every single lyric. Many would say that because, even after four years, he still runs through my mind every once in awhile that it's because I'm not over him or because I miss him. How wrong indeed. You never forget your first love. Not that I was in love with him, because looking back it was just simple infatuation, but I had convinced myself that I was in love and that was just enough to get hurt by.

My Heart Aches

I struggle with this:

2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

And this:

Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.

Most definitely this:

Proverbs 3:5-7 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

Constantly this:

Romans 12:14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

I'm intrigued by this:

James 2:19 ESV You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder!

And lately, this:

1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

And my heart aches for non believers because:

John 14:6 ESV Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Rain, go away.

Have you ever felt like you were trapped under a rain cloud? It's been one of those days/weeks/months/years/eternities where I've allowed myself to be consumed by negativity. Fears, anxieties, fast paces and slow waits; these are things I've been brought down by. Or so I thought. I am still here. Alive and well my heart is beating. I haven't really been brought down my anything. Life keeps going whether or not I like it. My days are numbered just like everyone else and even though I haven't quite mastered what it means to live like I was dying, I'm starting to appreciate what it means to be alive. It won't last forever, life that is. So instead of allowing myself to stay under the rain, I'm finding a solution to dry off. It's much better on the soul. :)

STFU

If the only reason you are going to call or text me is to tell me shit about my best friend that concerns a situation that I don't even know or care about, then don't text me and don't call me. All you are doing is hurting my feelings. You have not bothered to fucking call me or text me to see how I am in months. When you did, you found out my dog died and then just STOPPED our conversation. That was mean. It is also mean that after you go off to college you stop making all efforts of communicating; with the exception of two visits. Guess what? In the real world, when people move to a different city, it is not the responsibility of everyone else to keep up communication. It is a SHARED responsibility. I am SO sorry that your entire life consisted of being handed things but I will not hand you my friendship on a silver platter. That would be stupid because it is worth WAY more than that. I am a damn good friend and I'm not going to let that shit be taken advantage of. Grow up and stop talking to me if all you are going to do is start drama that I so desperately want to avoid.