Today is my favorite day out of the entire year of days. I don't remember when October 1st became what I looked forward to almost all year long, but it is. There's something definitive about the first of October that's much more important than the official start of fall itself. It also happens to be my unofficial anniversary with E! There's the feeling in the air that the holidays are so, so close but not close enough to worry about the end. There's anticipation of every magical moment and nothing but a blank canvas to turn the holidays into whatever we like. Pumpkin patches open, leaves turn, the temperature seems to drop at just the right time and I can finally wear fall clothing, my favorite. I love harvest festivals and apple cider and semi-scary things near Halloween. I don't really care about my own birthday but my little sister's birthday is in October, too. Her face lights up and she becomes this modest, innocent little girl as everyone sings to her. It's beautiful.
The Holidays are the times I live for because it's when I have the most convincing illusion of family and friends. Everyone's heart is just a little warmer, doors open a bit wider and the food is just a little bit better. There's the sense that people actually do care and love each other, if only for an average of two months out of the year. I put my Christmas tree up long before Thanksgiving, because that's something my Grandmother would have done.
I was talking to my mom last night and I finally had a long assumed thought confirmed as reality...my mom said she and my grandmother used to get into heavy arguments, intense debates because my grandmother truly thought of me as a daughter. I was her second chance at being a good mom... she loved me as a child, not a grandchild. And I loved her as a mother. My own mother is wonderful, I didn't need a replacement... but I got an addition. I had two growing up, even if it wasn't meant to be that way. I had this attachment to her that most grandchildren don't have with their grandparents. When she died, I lost a second mom. And so when most look back on loved ones that passed with a sense of sadness but peace, I find only discomfort and heartache. I truly believe I know what it's like to have a parent pass away. So the holidays are often as hard as they are joyous, because I long for what could have been had she not been taken so soon.
I've dealt with depression for years... some months better, some months worse. These past months have been for the worse with days that I do nothing more than get out of bed, go to class, and go right back to bed... not wanting anything else but sleep. But I am so desperate for my favorite month to turn things around. I don't doubt the magic of the season for a second, and so I'll turn my trust over to the one who created this season of awesome and pray that the days ahead are for greater than the days that have passed.
On a side not, six years ago God showed up in a huge way. We may have taken a break inbetween, but if it wasn't for that awkward night at South Caldwell when E asked me to be his girlfriend for the first time... well, I'm not sure where I'd be now. And I don't want to know. All I know is that I'm blessed more than I realize... I have a lot to be sad over, but he should enough to get me through. And he will be <3
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