Perfect Day

Right now I'm sitting outside on the patio, the breeze is perfect. It's starting to warm up and the cool air that flows by at just the right time paints a mental image in my head of exactly what I want... the idea of the "perfect" day.

I'm in my own house, the windows are all throw open and the light is natural and the air circulating around me is all thanks to God, not my air conditioning unit. It's probably September, or maybe October. I'm up early and I've worked out before the sun makes it's appearance. Maybe I have kids that have been whisked away to school. Maybe I don't. But I'm home and my house is clean, probably because I'm neurotic about order sometimes. It's all organized, everything in it's place... it's also super cute. I do things that I want to during the day, not things I have to. I don't know if I make any money. Maybe I write blogs, cook lunch, get things ready for dinner... maybe I paint, read a book from front to back, or walk Sasha Fierce around the block. I probably drink coffee. I probably am in good shape and healthy... As the day goes on, my life stays busy. I don't know what I fill my day with while E is gone but I fill it. And when he gets home, I've actually made dinner because I love him and don't want him to worry about it when he gets home... unless I'm tired, and then he doesn't want me to worry about it so he might make it after he's relaxed a bit. The night is young and we embrace it. Maybe we hang out with the kids, or if there aren't any, we go out and we celebrate life... we don't wait on a birthday or anniversary to celebrate because what if those don't come? What if it's our last night together and we don't know it? We celebrate and we go back to our home and it repeats itself.

My perfect day doesn't have anything to do with a career where I make 100,000 a year. It doesn't have anything to do with the summer, or dead of winter... it leaves out the friends of mine that aren't really friends at all... It's pretty perfect. And I don't care if it lives up to the expectations that others have for what I need or should want...

I'll have it someday. Just not today. Today, I have papers to write.

I wish I knew what it was like to love college life.

Subconscious

Listen, subconscious, I understand that you're probably aware of this awful month I've been having, but could you possibly try and avoid letting a certain someone infiltrate my dreams every night? It's been three in a row now and, although they haven't been BAD dreams, Andy still continues to star in all of them. I don't know why, I haven't even thought about him in my day to day. I don't see him, miss him, wonder how he is or ever try to talk to him. Nor do I want to. So if it's possible, PLEASE get him out of my fucking sleep because as of late, my sleep time is the best part of my day.

Favorite Post Secrets (:

I was going through my pictures on iPhoto trying to organize them when I came to my stash of old Post Secrets that were my favorites... I thought I'd post some of my favorite ones here because sometimes a secret can tell way more about a person than just a blog post. Enjoy! (:

****.

How can I say this nicely? Should I? I'm not sure anymore. I just don't understand how she can know that we're engaged and not say ANYTHING. Would it have honestly killed her to say congratulations, or that she was happy for Ethan at least? I don't have a lot of family, I'm reminded of this all the time... so I'm excited to be marrying into a rather large family. But I'm not excited about this kind of family. I know that I have friends and that we're LIKE family, but it just isn't the same. I'll never forget that I was with a friend once, who I consider family, and they made the comment to someone else that we were doing something because, "we're with family." and the person they were talking to quickly said, "no, this isn't family that's just your friend." Another reminder that no, God didn't give me a gigantic family. I have lovely friends who do an amazing job as family, but there's nothing like walking into room of your relatives. Right? Maybe I put too much emphasis on family, I don't know. I just know that tonight, I'm pretty hurt by almost everyone in E's family by how they've reacted to our engagement. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life but it isn't. And now that I think about it, there have been very few that seem genuinely supportive and excited that I'm getting married anywhere in my life. Whatever.

Fuck you if you don't care. And chances are you probably don't and that's just fucking fine. Fuck.

...I am the tree

...

Blessed.

It's been thirteen days since I last blogged, and as I sat down to write tonight I was enveloped in this emotion that has left me almost speechless. How good is my God? I wish I could figure it out - how He manages to be so amazing, so beautiful and so perfect. I get so emotional sometimes when I sit back and think about how tiny I am; how insignificant I am compared to the world and yet here I am, He finds me worthy enough to be saved by His grace. And that really isn't all... it's more than enough but my God has done more for me. How blessed I am and how unworthy I am of all that I've been given, all that I've got to look forward to.

I wish I could spend a hundred hours blogging about my tip to New Orleans. I know I have enough detail in my mind right now, fresh and exciting memories to regurgitate and dwell over... but the only thing that matters tonight is this:

My best friend, the love of my life, my soul mate, my gift from God and my better half is now my fiance. And I get to go to sleep tonight knowing that I will spend the rest of my life with him by my side. Soon I'll be his wife, and tonight I am a blessed girl.