Consider Yourself Forgiven.

Hey you. Yes, you. The one who will probably never see this, right there sitting beside the man who I thought caused all of this. You. Definitely, most definitely you.

First of all, hi. How are you? I most sincerely hope you're doing really, really well. Contrary to what society tells us to believe about people we may dislike, be angry with, etc., I do not believe that anyone deserves to not be doing well in life.

A couple of days ago, I saw you for the first time since this whole thing started. I say thing because I'm still sort of confused about what it even is or was. I can't call it a fight, really. We didn't fight. It isn't a disagreement because we didn't disagree about anything. I can't call it a break up because I don't think you break up with your friends. See? It's confusing and I can't figure out what the word is so I'm going with thing, so just humor me.

So for the first time in six months I saw you with your husband and son while I ran to the store for I can't remember. I looked like straight shit because I had just come from the gym, and from the 10 second glance I got of you, you looked really, really nice. I mean that. So, as I'm standing here in Target wondering why 1) I went out in public looking like a bum and 2) why I cared so much about whether or not you saw me looking like a bum, I got really, really emotional. I mean, it just hit me like nothing else.

My gut reaction was, "oh my gosh there she is there she is go apologize and fix it and -" yeah, that lasted about twenty seconds before I ran over my foot with my shopping cart and called my best friend. Because then, I got really really angry and wanted to run over your foot. I mean not seriously, but metaphorically.

So I call my best friend, and he's talking me down off this emotional cliff I've climbed up on while I distract myself long enough to find some of what I need. But then, because let's face it: I can't multitask and I need to find the right nuts for Ethan, I hang up. And I'm glancing at the 890982345 different choices Target offers for nuts and I start crying. I know, predictable, right? Because I cry about everything. A lady who knows exactly where her nuts are looks at me like I'm crazy as she hurriedly selects a jar and ushers her child forward so as not to make eye contact with my emotional self. Awesome.

Anyway. So I'm not 100% sure if you saw me but that part, I've discovered, is completely irrelevant. And I promise you, this is going somewhere.

Believe it or not, I've managed to not think about you or this thing much. Or at least, not until I saw you that night. Since that night, I've sort of thought about it a lot because, let's face it: I'm pretty crazy at the moment* *thanks deployment. 

And four pretty great things have come out of it. And it's ended really, really well for me. So I wanted to tell you what those things are because, well, really, I have you to thank for them.

1) For six months I've been super, crazy angry with your husband. And only a smidgen angry with you and that has been silly. You, as you have always been, are extremely intelligent and you have 100% control over yourself. You have made the decisions, not him. 

2) You were never really my friend. This part was especially shitty to realize. And definitely not one of my best friends. Best friends do not: cheat, lie, manipulate, intentionally hurt, let others tear down, ignore, or sacrifice their friends. All of these things should have been gigantic, flashing neon signs  in my direction that I was friends with someone who was not really my friend. But I was obviously not paying attention. ANYWAY.

3) My gut reaction is to always apologize even when whatever it is, isn't my fault. Because I hate having fights or arguments or things with people. But here's the thing: I'm totally not sorry this time. I think God heard the wheels in my head turning and was like, "Bitch please, I'm going to make you roll over your own foot so you snap out of it because you. are. not. apologizing. this. time." And it was a painful little lesson but I learned it. I'm not going to ever apologize to you for being a freaking awesome friend. I'm sorry you didn't REALIZE how awesome I was, but I'm not sorry that you threw it all away.

4) Okay, number three is pretty huge for me. Ready? I completely forgive you. I forgive you for all of this. I forgive you for that time you lied to your parents about the voicemail on the answering machine and blamed it on my husband which was literally years ago. I forgive you for all those times you used me as a cover up for doing things you should not have been doing. I forgive you for all of the lies and half-truths that I know about, and even the ones I don't. I forgive you for not telling me how your husband felt about me and my own husband, even when you knew. I forgive you for dropping me like a bad habit three days before my husband deployed. I forgive you for the lack of explanation. I forgive you for not having the guts to tell people the truth about why I'm not around anymore.

For the all the back stabbing.
For all the lying.
For disrespecting my husband and I.
For taking advantage of our generosity.


Everything, I swear, I forgive you.

Fear.

This week has been ridiculous.

I've been letting myself be driven by fear and I'm learning that fear 1) isn't the best motivator and 2) is obvious to other people in all its forms.


I took a little three and a half week long break from working out and dieting and I was so scared to start again. I was actually afraid to start working out again. What if I honestly cannot do this and I fail again? I'd rather stay the same and never try than put forth the effort only to not succeed. 

I haven't been able to send my husband a care package in weeks. What if he doesn't get to open it?

I've been totally called out on being ridiculously concerned on how I act around the one person who I should never be worried around, which sucks. What if I do something, say something, don't say something right and then I lose my best friend again? 

I can't completely decide if I'm going to be able to renew my vows this fall, which is supposed to be an incredibly easy and positive decision. What if no one comes and I completely embarrass myself? 

And the list. goes. on.

I wish I could say that I had this huge epiphany or that I read some inspirational quote that made my brain do a 180 degree turn. Either of those statements would just be a lie. I'm still really scared about a lot shit ton of things. In fact, I can't remember a time when I wasn't driven by fear.

But I went back to the gym and today, I had a fucking awesome work out. I'm planning to go first thing in the morning, too.

So I guess I'm starting somewhere.

Hello, 2013

Since December 18th, I've sat down so many times in an attempt to write. Daily I would stare a blank white space that seemed to taunt me with words that just wouldn't come. Finally, a few days past the New Year, I decided to stop trying until the moment just hit; I'd know when it was time to begin writing again.

Since my anniversary, many things have come and gone that should have been worthy of writing. I bought a car, celebrated Christmas, laughed, rang in the New Year, cried, smiled, frowned, lost weight, gained weight, bounced up and down. I began to bounce back. I missed my husband, I fought with my husband, and at times I forgot what it was like to have a husband. But nothing could come to my mind when I sat down to express it all, so I simply decided that sometimes, not writing was okay.

As of today, we're 56% through with this deployment and I can't even figure out the best way to express my absolute joy of knowing that my husband is coming home this year. Insane. When this whole journey of deployment started, not one ounce of me thought anything good would come of it. But looking ahead, with over half of this ordeal behind us, this distance has done more to enrich our marriage and to help us grow as individuals than anything else ever could have.

I've learned so much about myself, and some of it's good and some of it isn't. It's so interesting how the absence of one person can change everything in your world and make you realize even the tiniest details are what makes life worth while. Before my husband left, I didn't think I cared much for physical touch. A simple hand on my shoulder, a kiss on my forehead, an arm to lean on... these are things I used to find so normal that I forgot I loved them. A few nights ago I watched a couple sit so fluidly together on a sofa watching a movie; hand in hand, nothing more than your typical date night. And I wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry. That's what I miss the most and it kills me that I didn't realize it before E left.

I have no New Years resolution, I can't summarize the past year eloquently.

2013, you will bring my husband home. I can't wait to see you fly by.