Fear.

This week has been ridiculous.

I've been letting myself be driven by fear and I'm learning that fear 1) isn't the best motivator and 2) is obvious to other people in all its forms.


I took a little three and a half week long break from working out and dieting and I was so scared to start again. I was actually afraid to start working out again. What if I honestly cannot do this and I fail again? I'd rather stay the same and never try than put forth the effort only to not succeed. 

I haven't been able to send my husband a care package in weeks. What if he doesn't get to open it?

I've been totally called out on being ridiculously concerned on how I act around the one person who I should never be worried around, which sucks. What if I do something, say something, don't say something right and then I lose my best friend again? 

I can't completely decide if I'm going to be able to renew my vows this fall, which is supposed to be an incredibly easy and positive decision. What if no one comes and I completely embarrass myself? 

And the list. goes. on.

I wish I could say that I had this huge epiphany or that I read some inspirational quote that made my brain do a 180 degree turn. Either of those statements would just be a lie. I'm still really scared about a lot shit ton of things. In fact, I can't remember a time when I wasn't driven by fear.

But I went back to the gym and today, I had a fucking awesome work out. I'm planning to go first thing in the morning, too.

So I guess I'm starting somewhere.