Call Me Judgmental.

Something has been on my mind for the past days I can't seem to shake it. Recently, I was talking to some friends and somehow we got on the topic of Christianity and marriage. I think we were discussing two mutual friends who were going through a divorce, and I commented that neither were Christians and that if they were, it might have had a stronger chance. I also made the comment that I didn't understand how marriages who didn't center around Christ worked... that the quality of that marriage is not the same as the quality of a Christian marriage. Holy backlash, Batman. That didn't go over well and I was quickly told that I was being judgmental. This bothered me greatly... I felt like I was stating a fact, not an opinion of my own. So for the past few days I've done research on marriage. Maybe, I thought, I was wrong. Perhaps I really was being judgmental and I needed a reality check. So I'll start from the beginning of what I found, and coincidentally (or is it?) it starts with The Beginning.

In Genesis 2:22-24, we find a passage that shows us how God designed the institution that is marriage:

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

I wanted to stop my search here. In the second chapter of Genesis, God tells us exactly what marriage is. It doesn't instruct us on how to maintain the marriage, but it tells us what marriage is. It is ordained by God. I wanted to use this as an argument because it points out that marriage is an institution of the the Church, not of the world. Unfortunately, the original point I was making was that Christian marriages are of higher quality than non-Christian marriages. I made no argument of who designed marriage, and my friend didn't either. So I kept searching.

I came across a widely misunderstood passage in Ephesians 5:22-33:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This isn't talking about what a marriage is, this is the very core of marriage. This is instruction on how a marriage is to be maintained.. to recap, God created marriage in Genesis and now, He's telling us how to make it successful. So many people have this hang up with the word "submissive" when it comes to wives. I don't want to get into the meaning behind submission and what it means to me and my marriage, but I'll say that it doesn't have anything to do with making sandwiches or saying things like 'yes sir'. What I will focus on however, is the balance between the instruction God gives wives vs. husbands.


In this passage, wives are given TWO commands: submit to your husbands as to the LORD and respect your husband. Husband's on the other hand, are given a lengthy instruction on how to treat their wives, loving them and giving themselves to her unconditionally, just as Christ gave himself for the world. In perspective, submission and respect doesn't seem so bad when you are in turn receiving a love like Christ's. So many progressive women say they would never submit to their husbad, but this isn't really true. Submission doesn't mean catering, spoiling or enslaving. Submission means valuing the needs of your husband above your own; respecting his place at the head of the household just as Chris sits at the head of the church. Likewise, as Christ loves and desires joy for His children, the husband will love and cherish his wife without condition. It's truly a beautiful thing.

In Romans, 8:28, we read:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

In Genesis we learn that God created marriage with a purpose. In Ephesians we learn what God wants out of that marriage. In Romans, we find the answer I was looking for. God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. When called into a marriage, which is God's purpose, God words for the good. God is good. For Christians, this is a very important concept to grasp. In your marriage which is glorified by God, he is working GOOD. Not because He HAS to, but because he wants to. Because we have invited Him and allowed Him into the marriage, willingly as a humble sinner who recognizes a need for the love of the Father.

For non-Christians who don't understand that key component to a marriage, something is missing. I don't believe that God abandones those who aren't saved, but it's the same concept one has when they're lost and then found. Without Christ there is a void that cannot be filled, once saved, there is clarity and peace, along with forgiveness. Just as the Trinity would not be complete without The Father, the Holy Spirit and the Son, a marriage is not complete without the key, third component: The Trinity.

So I guess in a way, I can be called judgmental. I'm judging the quality of a marriage as it relates to the presence or absence of God. With Him, and you're on your way to the ultimate in satisfaction, without Him, you'll always be lacking. I'll stand up against any statistic, any marriage that is without the love of Christ enveloped around it and any person who calls me judgmental or naive: as a Christian, the only things that are truly good are good because of God and his love for His children.

I'm not saying that non-Christian marriages won't work. Sometimes they will. Just like sometimes, Christian marriages fail. But this the analogy I leave you with.

Two people buy the same car. An American-made sedan that is designed to last for years.

The first person takes very good care of the car. He invests in the car by maintaining correct oil changes, taking it to reputable maintenance shops regularly, changing tires and always making sure it's washed, vacuumed and over-all clean and fully functioning. It runs for 20 years, with expected needs for repair due to the age and natural use it's experienced.

The second person takes adequate care of the car. It runs for twenty years, too, but he neglects to change the oil, tires are constantly going flat and it isn't taken to a car wash but maybe once or twice, before getting dirty all over again. Over the years, unneccesarry roughness and agreession have made he seats torn and the leather fade, the car is still running, just like the first, but the quality is much less. The gas milage not as good. There wasn't as much bang for the buck.

This applies to marriage. Yes, a marriage without Christ can make it... but is it the best quality? No. And that's why I said I don't understand how non-Christian marriages work. I can't imagine living anything other than the "good" life and God hasn't let me down yet. He keeps working for the good.

And His love will never fail.