It's already February and it feels like just yesterday I was celebrating the Christmas season. Now, the halls are free from decoration and the kind spirit that filled many has been replaced with the same void that occupies their minds for the majority of the year. I thought that this semester would go by slowly, with homework and exams testing me and pushing me to my breaking point and making me forget that I had a deployment looming ahead. Ha, so foolish. If anything this has been one of the most fast-paced semesters I've had in my college career. It's probably my own fault for only scheduling classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but also, school just doesn't phase me anymore. It isn't my priority. My mind is somewhere else. All of my assignments have been a breeze and I know that the papers I have ahead aren't that big of a deal. I'll get them done like always, no need to stress. I graduate in 94 days.. that's three months. The total amount of days I have left in class, since I only go on Tuesday and Thursday, is 22. That's almost a joke. Twenty Two more days of class and my undergraduate career is over. Are you kidding me? I don't even care to be honest. Ethan leaves 6 days before my graduation so I'm thinking of not even walking. I don't really have to and I would save on buying a gown. My sister didn't get to walk at her graduation, so it wouldn't really be fair to have my parents there when they couldn't be there for her. And no one else is going to really care to come. The only one I know is ridiculously proud with a desire to be there, well, he'll be training for Afghanistan. Why bother?
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do when E leaves. We had a long talk the other day about how he's more concerned with leaving me at home than he is going. He even mentioned that he isn't afraid of dying, he's afraid of what his death would do to me. That's a very sobering conversation to have with your husband; I imagine it's hard to have with anyone. It left me so scared and so small... how brave of him to put me before his own fear? It brought me closer to the reality that I've already been facing. I'm utterly terrified of losing him. While he's gone, he's afraid that I'll slip into this depression and not take care of myself... I need to make sure he knows I'll be fine. More than that, I need to make sure that I'll actually be fine.
It's weird when I think about where my life is now.... I don't think I would have imagined this in a million years if someone would have asked me what it would resemble a year ago. My two best girlfriends have kids now and that's just mind blowing. They've got this little family that I'm ridiculously jealous of... their own home, children and a husband (or pretty much husband) that isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
The dynamic between my best friend and I isn't the same... it's much less involved. Talking everyday is gone, and while texts used to come frequently I'm lucky if I'm answered within a few hours. I can't complain though, because everyone is moving on with their lives and it's so exciting for them. I'm happy for them, because they each deserve it. It doesn't make us any less close, it just makes it different. I just wish I could find my own place. I wish I could be just as busy as they are, so that I don't feel quite as left out of the loop. I can't party on the weekends (not that I really want to most of the time) and I can't set up my life as easily. I have so much free time now a days. I'm pretty much by myself a few weekends out of the month, and each night. That kind of seclusion takes a toll on a person, really.
I'm really praying that I'll get a job soon after I graduate so that I can leave Zander's. I've put in seven years, so it's just my time to go. I'm hoping I can meet some people and find a good, solid group of friends to add to the one I already have. I might get more involved in church, volunteer... something. I just hope I can get busy and occupied and have lots of stuff to actually do while he's away.
When he comes home, well, there are fears about his assimilation back into life as a civilian, but that seems so far away. For now, I'm just going to work on us. And on me. There's a place for everything and everything has a place... I just have to figure out where mine is.
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