When I first found out that Ethan was deploying, I was in so much denial. I can remember exactly where I was standing when I found out that things weren't going to work out with RTOC in Charlotte. I was in Hobby Lobby, just putting down a sign that said, "Go ARMY" after telling someone that it would look cool in my house. Oh, the irony. I didn't really cry when I found out, but the days that followed were mind numbing. I wanted to figure out a way to get him out of the deployment and I was furious that he didn't really want to follow along with my plan. He wanted to go. Emotionally, I took that as a sign that he didn't want to be home with me. That he didn't care if something bad happened. That he didn't care it was ruining my (overly dramatic at times) life.
Of course, being a combat engineer is his job and why wouldn't he want to do it? The opportunity to travel, experience a world that doesn't exist here and figure out (maybe) a little of what life is really all about... why wouldn't he want to go? Well because I won't be there... duh.
But as plans were being made to prepare for deployment, it started settling in that his time to head off to war was coming. I busied myself with getting married, being in school and balancing a hectic lifestyle while being a wife. Maybe, I thought, if life gets too hectic, he'll have to stay. But alas, time hasn't really stopped. My busy schedule has not stalled the impending departure and I'm figuring out that ready or not - my husband is leaving all too soon.
In the middle of this, a very large rift has occurred between me and my best friend. I won't get into the details because he reads this, and so do his friends apparently. But I couldn't for the life of me understand why I was taking it so hard. It didn't seem normal. Here I was, this "strong" woman, crying over someone who literally wasn't giving a second thought to our apparent separation as friends. Why couldn't I do that? It hit me as to why though, during a huge argument I had with Ethan. E couldn't understand why I had let it get to me so much and he was beginning to grow frustrated with my sadness. I blurted it out before I even realized what I had said: You're leaving, Ethan! Do you realize that before you're even gone, by biggest support bailed? Damn. I didn't mean it. Did I? Yes, I did. I thought that my best friend was truly going to help get me through the deployment... be a support system, etc. But the facts were hitting me like a ton of bricks. There was no support for my marriage, we hadn't been talking like "friends" in weeks, and things weren't going to change just because my husband was leaving the country. I had thought of him as my family. I didn't think you could "grow apart" from family. With cool words and a distance in conversation I never thought would come, I had to just finally let it go. I cried in E's arms and let so much emotion out. I realized it wasn't just about Lukas. Yes, it hurt, but it was about so much more.
I'm truly terrified. I'm not saying that it's okay to think worst case scenario, but let's face it: being a soldier comes with risk. There is a chance that my husband might not come home. For the next year, I will wake up every day praying to God that Ethan is safe and out of harms way, shielded from an enemy who also wakes up daily with the task of destroying our troops. And I'm so, so scared. Yes, I have faith in God. Yes, I trust his training. Yes, I know that I could walk outside in five minutes and get by a bus. But none of that takes away the fear I have. So when I realized I was losing my best friend, it was really about my fear of losing period. I've lost so much in life. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot, too... but I know loss and right now, I am not in a good place to be losing anything.
At one point, Lukas told me that I was just a very negative person and he didn't need my negativity because it brought him down. I knew in my heart that I had been very depressed for a long time, but the words felt heavy and the reality was unsettling. My fear and my anxiety really were taking over, and it's already cost me someone that I truly didn't want to lose. For so many reasons, I don't want to take anti-depressants. Lately, I've been making some lifestyle changes that I pray work to help me feel better. But I'm just now starting a very long journey to getting back to myself.
I can't deny that I'm still very shaken. I'm a nervous wreck, sometimes. I can't watch the news without my stomach turning in knots and I've already started to realize that it's going to be a very, very tough year ahead. But such is life, with turns and curves that you never expect. Mountains that we later realize were simply hills and we run into plains that we didn't seem to notice were inclined. Time continues - it gets us through the good and sails us through the bad.
Here's to the road ahead.
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