Clarity & Confusion

Today I had a moment that felt as though time had stopped completely. Briefly, I was able to seperate myself from everything I knew and get a glimpse at my life from the outside in. I don't what came over me. Maybe it's the fact that I read Shades of Grey in about 23 hours and became so enthralled that I began narrarating my life in first person like a novel on accident, or maybe it was just a coincidence. Nevertheless, I stopped and for just a minute; I think I had a rather clear picture of what was really going on.

I've longed for this month to end so I could see my husband, but now that it's almost here, I realize how quickly those ten days will fly. I have truely started to grasp what missing feels like. I thought I knew. I thought him going away for days was missing him, that not seeing family for weeks or months was missing.... no, this is what missing feels like, Olivia. Get used to it.

I've anticipated graduation, worried about quitting Zander's, scared myself to death about starting a new job and now it's here and it isn't scary. Whoever said to enjoy college because the real world was going to be a rude wake-up call? Liars. The real world is easier, less confusing and far more empowering. That is, if you take control and make it yours. I love it and it's such a welcome distraction. I've never loved my days before.

I wanted my bestfriend (old bestfriend?) back. Or to talk to me. And finally, he did. And now I just see how much time passed and how I feel like a stranger and how making things right seems so trivial now because it's like seeing someone who I used to know. I'm not gonna lie... I had this tiny hope that he'd show up to graduation and help me forget what was going on in my world. He would have done that, the person I used to know. The one I don't know, didn't. Wake up, Olivia. Life has moved far, far past you. Try and catch up. You've lost it already.

I thought things were finally normal in my own home with my own mom, but it's just asking too much. At risk of sounding like a 13 year old throwing a tantrum, she really doesn't get me. I say this in a way that a college-educated (finally!) person should say it; we truly see life from two different perspectives. We make different choices, pick different battles and we can't quite seem to agree. I longed for the day she was right... for the day that I "understood". Alas, that day hasn't come and I'm exhausted. It's okay to not understand. Everyone is different and you know that it doesn't make you a bad person. You know you are far from staying in the past and quite possibly, you are the only focused on the future.

Woah, clarity. Where did you come from? I don't like you. But I needed you.

With clarity; however, comes even more confusion.