Graduation isn't really a big deal. I know the achievement of finishing college is a big deal, but the ceremony itself isn't. So why am I so emotional this week? My mom and dad will be there, my sisters will be there, some of Ethan's family will be there... and they are all important to me, don't get me wrong; however, I can't stop thinking about who won't be there. I got my hair trimmed today, bought a new dress, got my eye brows tamed for the first time in forever and all of this should have sparked excitement in me. But on my way home from shopping I just cried.
I cried last night, I cried two days ago and I feel like crying right now. Sometimes I cry because my grandmother won't be there, most of the time I cry because my husband can't be there and then other times, I just cry. I literally start crying, unsure of why, and I just can't stop. I almost feel like I'm being punished somehow. This is what I get for not being a good enough granddaughter, a good enough wife, a good enough friend, and good enough person. There are so many things I did wrong that I can't undo.
I know this isn't really about graduation. It's just happening at the same time. A coincidiatal collision of events that's totally wrecking my emotional state. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't hugged my husband in two weeks (ha- like two weeks will be anything once deployment kicks in), or maybe it's my longing that this weekend will soon be over and I can go back to blending in with the world a little more easily.
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