I'm so conflicted and I just wish I knew what I was actually feeling so I could describe it. There is a part of me that is so excited that I graduated from L-R with honors. I have a sense of pride that I have my degree and that I got it in three years but then there's a feeling of regret, too. I didn't make many friends at L-R, I didn't really do anything extra-curricularly. I don't know. I didn't really care about it at the time but now I do.
And I miss E but it isn't like a normal kind of missing. I get so frustrated because we can't talk much. I think I've heard his voice for a collective 30 minutes in the last few weeks... I can't text him when I need him. This morning I hydroplaned on the highway going into work and I was stuck on the side of the road and I just started bawling because I couldn't call my husband to come help me. I was totally fine, my car seems fine, after a few tries I was able to get it out but just the thought that I couldn't get to him broke my heart. I still haven't been able to tell him.
I'm off work now and it's like this gigantic reminder that I'm completely without anything to do. I have no school to study for, no husband to make a home with and no activitiy to keep me busy and since I'm rather introverted, I don't usually mind, but damn it's starting to get to me.
I know I have to do something while E is gone. I've started talking to one of the music instructors at my work, and I'm going to start taking piano classes soon. It's such a beautiful instrument. I could listen to someone play all day long. Part of why I love this job is that I'm surrounded by art all the time... I want to be a part of it. I know I'm getting a late start but it's better late than never. I have dreams of playing Tchaikovksy's October but I'll settle for Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star at this point.
I get a free gym membership at the YMCA while E is deployed so I guess I'll be using that. I finally have the time to work out and I'm glad because I miss it a lot. I miss being healtier and feeling good about myself... I guess I've let my stress drag me down but I can't let that happen anymore.
And can I just say that when your last words to your best friend of years are pretty much "fuck you" and you think you're done and then all of a sudden months later they decide to talk to you again that it can confuse the hell out of you. Because I swear to God that came out of no where. And it's a good thing I guess. But it's confusing as shit because it isn't like, "Oh! Things are peachy and back to normal," it's this "Oh, sorry that we pretty much had the equivalant of a textual WWE match, so what's new?" Seriously. I kind of love that that can happen, but I kind of want to go back six months in time and knock both of us out. AND OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED I CAN ASK WHERE TO GET MY IPHONE FIXED AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IT IS A GOOD DAY.
So now, it's finding things to do. Today I'll clean my room, balance our banking account, make a budget or something and take pictures of things I'm trying to sell and post it online. I guess I'll take it day by day... if this past weekend is any indication of what life will be like for the next year, it's going to be one unpredictable ride.
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