Wedding Love

This weekend was a beautiful weekend filled with family, friends and love for Lindsey. From the rehearsal dinner to the reception, there was so much positive energy surrounding the Farnsworth's that it was hard not to feel truly apart of their big day.

Lindsey was, as if I had any doubts, an absolutely stunning bride. I was so proud to stand by her side as her maid of honor and spend so much time with her on her big day. I've never actually been in a wedding before, with the exception of my own, and it was so neat to see it happen from the perspective of standing beside the bride.

I'm a little biased, but one of my favorite parts of the ceremony was the super sweet picture Lindsey asked me to bring of Ethan. Beside the picture of her grandfather, there was a picture of my sweet husband and a candle in his honor. Before taking my place beside Lindsey after walking down the aisle, I put a yellow rose right by Ethan's photograph. It was such a subtle tribute to him, but it meant the absolute world to me. It's big days like Lindsey's wedding day that remind me of his absence the most. As they exchanged their vows, I was reminded of my own and it brought tears to my eyes just thinking about the adventure both Lindsey and I are on.

If someone would have walked up to the both of us our senior year of high school and told us that within six months of each other, at 20 and 21, we would be married... well, it makes me laugh to just think about. We've been through so, so much together. Graduations, college, babies, deployments and now, marriage.

It's been such a crazy ride for the past three years. I can't think of many people who have stuck by my side, and vice versa, for so long and through so much. So many people run when things get intense or when hardships arise. I can honestly say that through all of it, Lindsey and I have always remained best friends.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Changing It Up

Yesterday was such an important day. I finally paid the deposit on our apartment. I'm not going to lie; the landlady is slightly crazy. Who gives over the key to the apartment before a lease is signed and two weeks before the lease actually begins? I don't know. Mine does I guess. And it feels awesome.

Ethan and I have worked so hard at setting ourselves up for indepenence. When we got married, we weren't ready to live on our own and those first months staying with my mom really took a toll on our marriage. I'm so excited to make a home for us, so that when he comes back he'll have a place that is truly his. I'm excited for my sister to stay with me for the time he's overseas, but I cannot wait for the time that will come when it's just the two of us.

After Pinnick died, I had a few day of sheer panick. I was making myself sick every day and wasn't sleeping for more than a few hours. It was during this time that I realized - or rather, re-realized - how short life is for me to be holding on to so much fear and baggage from the past. In the past few days, I've tried to figure out what exactly the promise I want to make to myself is. I know I want to let go of things, move on from things and start "fresh" so to speak, but there are other things, too. I want to apologize to people who I might have hurt. I want to repair relationships if I can and if I can't, I want to completely let them go knowing that I tried as hard as I could to make things right.

I want to see family more and spend more time doing things I love. I want to work hard but leave my office at the end of the day with my work at the door so that when I'm done, I'm done.

I want to make more friends instead of missing the ones I've lost.

I want to learn stuff. LOTS of stuff.

I want to love my husband unconditionally.

I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to pray alot and do His work. ALL THE TIME.

I'm going to start counting down the days until my husband comes home... not worry that he might not. There is a chance that I might not make it home today, after all.

Here's the next year.

Picture This.

It's almost midnight on Friday night and I can't sleep. I figured I could post some pictures that had been piling up on my phone for the past few weeks...

Mariska getting a last hug from E before he left

Sleeping like a diva

Mak graduated from Pre-K!!!

Deployment Ceremony 

Deployment Ceremony

E is in the third row from the back, straight ahead.

Deployment Ceremony

Waiting to be released...

I couldn't get him to turn his head.

Love my soldier!

Minus one button, I think this turned out lovely.

The ring I thought was gone forever... found 4.5 years later.
Diamonds never get old ;)

I miss you

I'm having one of those days. I'm blessed beyond words and I truly have no reason to complain because God woke me up this morning and gave me the breathe of life one more time. But I'm not perfect and I can't bring myself to appreciate the moments as much as I could. I was sitting at work today, my first day as Interim Executive Director, and I got so emotional. It was the end of the day and my now former boss left the office for the last time... I just sat in my new office and thought about what had gotten me there. A degree from L-R - a place I find myself missing often - sits on a shelf collecting dust; it's the only reminder that I'm qualified for my job because my confidence tells me to run to the closest McDonalds and beg for a blue shirt.

My husband is busy. Miles away, he's preparing himself mentally and physically for the toughest year of his life. I cannot go home to him and celebrate with a bottle of wine and an evening of us. I can call him, and if he isn't busy, maybe I can chat for a few minutes before he has to go.

I started thinking about my friends... the friends that I love but don't see enough because life has us in different directions. Most of my friends are married, have kids or live a distance away... I miss the days when we were more care-free.

I started thinking about an old friend, whose mother is sick but I can't be there for. I pray for her every night, though. It breaks my heart that once again, we aren't speaking and that I can't figure out the reason why. She's always been one that, when a slight argument ensues, her instinct is to shut me out and not let us talk it out. It breaks my heart because even today, she's one of the better people I know. She has a heart of gold.

I started thinking about another old friend, who I never in a million years would have thought would be such a stranger to me now. I thought things would fix itself and sort of be normal but they never did. I miss him. It sucks knowing when he comes home and that we don't even say hi anymore. My family still asks about him and hell, just recently his family has still asked me where I've been. It makes me so sad every time I have to tell them that we aren't friends anymore. It sounds so foreign, like something someone else would say.

And when I start thinking about all of the things I don't have, I start thinking about other things that aren't quite right.

I think i'm this emotional because earlier this week, a friend of Ethan's that he met in basic training was killed in action in Afghanistan. His wife is my age, and he had a little girl who wasn't  quite two. I cried for two days when I heard the news. It's the same job Ethan has, he was killed in the same place Ethan is going. I know it happens, but it's never hit so close to home. It is not worth it to me to fight with anyone anymore because I am so, so scared that one day I might lose everything I have. I am so scared that the love of my life will come home on a flight to Dover instead of El Paso. I want things to be right with so many people... I want my life back to how it was a year ago when things seemed so okay with those I love.

I'm such a mess these days. I feel like over the past year, I was broken piece by piece and received blow after blow until all I have left is myself and this urge to cry every five seconds.

My sister and I are moving into an apartment in June and while I'm excited I'm also so upset. I want to move into this apartment with my husband. I want to make this my home. Of course it is our home, his name is on the lease and all that but I won't be coming home to him every night.

My new position at work could be a wonderfully opportunity that leads to something full-time later, but I can't bring myself to enjoy it or believe that it'll work out. I feel like I'm being set up to fail and I'll come crashing down with an embarrassing finale that leaves me as an assistant to my replacement which could quite possibly send me right over the edge to depression that I've been teetering with for months.

I hate this deployment more than anything I have ever hated in my entire life but I'm so proud of him for doing this. Recently, someone told me that they would never thank my husband - or anyone in the military - for their freedom. It was quite possibly the dumbest most ignorant thing I had ever heard and it enraged me. They gave a lame, un-educated and quite possibly the most idiotic reason ever, and even now I find myself cringing at the thought.

I have never been so proud of him. I mourn the loss of Pinnick, and all those who have died because I get it. I finally get it. People are dying for me. 


Tonight is a sobering night.

Day 1

Yesterday was a very long, emotional day. I woke up early and met E's mom, Kyle and Lydia in Lincolntona and together we made the long drive back to Laurinburg to Ethan's deployment ceremony. It was a simple drive filled with nervous energy, excitement and dread. I convinced myself that I had no choice but to stay strong and I think I did I pretty good job.

The ceremony was short, uneventful and to be honest, slightly cheesy. There was singing of "American Soldier", exchanging of the flag and a short speech by higher ups whose names I don't recall. At the end, we got our soldier for the afternoon and went to dinner with him, Chad & Lisa and Taylor.

When we got back to the hotel, there was a moment of pure terror when I realized I had to say goodbye. We made it quick, and I cried only a little bit. Maybe it's because I might get to see him in Texas next month or maybe it's because I didn't want him to see my tear up, but being strong was my only option.

I miss my husband. I miss my marriage. I miss his touch and his mood and his way of completely and totally captivating me.

I can already tell I hate this deployment.

One more time...

Friday morning I got a call from E saying that he was getting the weekend off unexpectedly but didn't want to come home. I couldn't blame him...saying goodbye is hard, especially when you have to do it more than once. So I drove to Laurinburg and he kicked his roommate out of his hotel room and we spent the entire weekend doing absolutely nothing. And I mean nothing. We managed to crawl out of bed long enough to eat and shower,  but other than that it was a solid weekend of movies, TV, cuddling, talking, laughing, being ridiculous, pretending time had stood still and imagining that nothing else in the world really existed. It was amazing. Even when we ventured to Tennessee, there was still worry and stress but this time, it was such pure joy that we shared that I honestly wish we could recreate every second of every day. It was, perhaps, the best two days of our marriage.

I mean seriously. How many people can honestly say that they're married to their very best friend? The most funniest, most handsome, loving and kind husband in the entire world was given to me by the most gracious God...it's an awesome feeling, I tell you.

Tomorrow will be a very, very bittersweet day. Sweet because I'll get to see my love again but bitter because it's the last time for awhile. I might get to fly to Texas later this summer before he heads overseas but this could very likely be the last time I see him for an entire year. Saying goodbye isn't easy... but it's the life we chose.

Tonight, though... I'm holding onto that feeling of excitement that stirs inside me every time I think about seeing my soldier again. Tomorrow will be a good day.

Us Time.

Where did May go? My husband has been back from training for a week today, and I've obviously been super slack with updating this while he's ben home. Obviously my time has been monopolized with an eager husband, a playful puppy and lots of fun stuff... and a stressful time at work as we transition to our executive director leaving.

Last Friday I drove to Laurinburg to pick up E from his unit and we made our way to the beach. We met up with his mom, Kyle and his grandmother for four days of relaxing and getting away from the world. I actually don't care much for the beach itself because 1) I hate salt water in my eyes 2) I don't tan very easily and 3) I hate being hot. Luckily my husband shares my sentiments with at least two of those three things and we didn't stay on the sand too long. We spent most of our time watching movies, staring at the waves, driving around a town we weren't familiar with and simply loving our time together. We also managed to go to the U.S.S. North Carolina. It was a humbling experience but the history was amazing.

Beach Bound

Part of the USS North Carolina

I love my husband :)

Ethan and Kyle

Lydia and Ethan

Kyle and Gina

Love :)

Beachin' it

Put Put near Holden Beach

At one point, Ethan left me at the hotel to take a nap while he went to pick everyone else up from their extended stay on the beach. When he came back, he had the cutest surprise ever. Matching paracord bracelets to wear during deployment. How sweet is that? It's the little things like this that make me realize how much I love my husband.

When we got back, we dropped Mariska Roo off at the vet's office so she could be spayed and have her cherry eye removed. When we dropped her off, she was less than impressed...

...but at the end of the day, she was back home with a normal puppy eye all snuggled up with her dad. Too cute. Since then, it's been movie nights, lots of together time and time that goes by way too fast. I so love the time with my hubs but I know it's going to fly by way too fast. For now, we're spending most of our time together and figuring out plans for when E heads out. 

Here's to the next five days.