I miss you

I'm having one of those days. I'm blessed beyond words and I truly have no reason to complain because God woke me up this morning and gave me the breathe of life one more time. But I'm not perfect and I can't bring myself to appreciate the moments as much as I could. I was sitting at work today, my first day as Interim Executive Director, and I got so emotional. It was the end of the day and my now former boss left the office for the last time... I just sat in my new office and thought about what had gotten me there. A degree from L-R - a place I find myself missing often - sits on a shelf collecting dust; it's the only reminder that I'm qualified for my job because my confidence tells me to run to the closest McDonalds and beg for a blue shirt.

My husband is busy. Miles away, he's preparing himself mentally and physically for the toughest year of his life. I cannot go home to him and celebrate with a bottle of wine and an evening of us. I can call him, and if he isn't busy, maybe I can chat for a few minutes before he has to go.

I started thinking about my friends... the friends that I love but don't see enough because life has us in different directions. Most of my friends are married, have kids or live a distance away... I miss the days when we were more care-free.

I started thinking about an old friend, whose mother is sick but I can't be there for. I pray for her every night, though. It breaks my heart that once again, we aren't speaking and that I can't figure out the reason why. She's always been one that, when a slight argument ensues, her instinct is to shut me out and not let us talk it out. It breaks my heart because even today, she's one of the better people I know. She has a heart of gold.

I started thinking about another old friend, who I never in a million years would have thought would be such a stranger to me now. I thought things would fix itself and sort of be normal but they never did. I miss him. It sucks knowing when he comes home and that we don't even say hi anymore. My family still asks about him and hell, just recently his family has still asked me where I've been. It makes me so sad every time I have to tell them that we aren't friends anymore. It sounds so foreign, like something someone else would say.

And when I start thinking about all of the things I don't have, I start thinking about other things that aren't quite right.

I think i'm this emotional because earlier this week, a friend of Ethan's that he met in basic training was killed in action in Afghanistan. His wife is my age, and he had a little girl who wasn't  quite two. I cried for two days when I heard the news. It's the same job Ethan has, he was killed in the same place Ethan is going. I know it happens, but it's never hit so close to home. It is not worth it to me to fight with anyone anymore because I am so, so scared that one day I might lose everything I have. I am so scared that the love of my life will come home on a flight to Dover instead of El Paso. I want things to be right with so many people... I want my life back to how it was a year ago when things seemed so okay with those I love.

I'm such a mess these days. I feel like over the past year, I was broken piece by piece and received blow after blow until all I have left is myself and this urge to cry every five seconds.

My sister and I are moving into an apartment in June and while I'm excited I'm also so upset. I want to move into this apartment with my husband. I want to make this my home. Of course it is our home, his name is on the lease and all that but I won't be coming home to him every night.

My new position at work could be a wonderfully opportunity that leads to something full-time later, but I can't bring myself to enjoy it or believe that it'll work out. I feel like I'm being set up to fail and I'll come crashing down with an embarrassing finale that leaves me as an assistant to my replacement which could quite possibly send me right over the edge to depression that I've been teetering with for months.

I hate this deployment more than anything I have ever hated in my entire life but I'm so proud of him for doing this. Recently, someone told me that they would never thank my husband - or anyone in the military - for their freedom. It was quite possibly the dumbest most ignorant thing I had ever heard and it enraged me. They gave a lame, un-educated and quite possibly the most idiotic reason ever, and even now I find myself cringing at the thought.

I have never been so proud of him. I mourn the loss of Pinnick, and all those who have died because I get it. I finally get it. People are dying for me. 


Tonight is a sobering night.