So many thoughts...

...have been spinning in my head. So many fears, uncertainties, doubts and disappointments. Those race after my excitements, happiness and joys. Anxiety is prominent but not the most prevalent part of who I am at the moment.

For weeks now I've been struggling with the church and who I am as Christian (if that was really what I was - apparently that, too, was up for discussion after having another 20% life crisis). I've been attending a church that has had such an impact on who I am. Ethan swears I'm a different person, and not in a good way. It's put a strain on our relationship with E and on my relationship with lots of people. I don't think it's fair that my growth has been looked upon so negatively by so many, but at the same time, I'm learning more about who I am and what I believe; I'm not done. I'm still trying to figure things out and decide how I really want to live my life, who I want to live it for. I thought that by running towards the church with open arms, that I would find answers but instead, I have developed a multitude of questions that I'm almost certain will never be explained. Of these, I have questioned Jesus. Not who He is or what He did, but just the whole idea of God sending someone to die and be ressurrected. I have a desire to learn and know more about Jesus but my logical mind makes me doubt and that infuriates me. All this time, though, I've had a bible verse that was written down for me years ago on my desktop. I didn't really know what it said but today I looked it up:

Colossians 1:15-20 (New International Version)

The Supremacy of the Son of God
15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

So relevant. So amazing. So lovely.

I want to continue to grow in Christ but I also want to be myself. I have to find balance.