I have recently discovered that as hard as I try to organize my life, life is not meant to be organized. Yes, it's good to have financial stability and security with work. School organization is priority and the organization of my health should also be on the top of any list. But life in general just isn't meant to be organized. I have recently found that when I try to put my life in this little metaphorical box, tucking each and every aspect in neatly, piling the most important things on top and stuffing the random and seemingly unimportant things at the bottom, that I most unhappy. For awhile I can convince myself that I'm over the moon with joy and peace but in reality, I'm just as broken as I was when I started the whole process of "fixing" what I thought was not working.
June has only been around for nine days. I was, and still am, super excited about the coming of Summer because I can already see some positive changes happening in my life. I guess I just got so consumed with this idea of "new" that I forgot there would still be some "old" to deal with, and that some of the changes coming might not make me so happy.
Truth? I miss my best friend. I understand schedules get hectic, but I guess because I have always made it a priority to not let work stop me from doing things I just assume that others do the same. And that's not an insult or a dig at anyone. For the past two years, I've literally been at work more than I have been at home. Typically I work 6 days a week. Before summer I was getting up around 6 to be at school by 7:30 and then I was going straight to work before getting off late and either going to let dogs out or going home. My average time of getting home was anywhere from 9:45-11:00pm, and then it would start all over again. In between I would squeeze lunch dates, shopping trips, visits with family, homework, downtime, etc. I completely understand, and remember the nights of crying and bitching about, the fact that I was totally overdoing it. I don't hold anything against anyone. I simply and peacefully miss someone that I did not plan on missing until August. There are plenty of other issues I have, I won't lie. And that's my fault because I get upset and hold everything in until it all comes out at the wrong time. It's definitely a vice.
With every alleged "negative", I have to remember there are positives. I am doing so much more for me right now than I ever did before. My finances are (although momentarily jilted) finally straight, I'm getting healthier, seeing friends I never made time for and finally, finally, FINALLY recognizing completely how irrefutably important Ethan is in my life. My rock, my love, my reason. I've always heard to never put a man before your friends, because "men may come and go but friends are forever." And sometimes this is true, but not when the love of your life is ALSO a friend. Ethan has been there for me when I have literally stared at the phone and thought, "Who do I even call right now? ________ just happened, I'm sitting here crying and scared to death and I don't know what to do." And then I get this flood of anxiety because I realize that I can't call Lukas, because he's busy as he should be. I can't call Lindsey, she's busy being a mom. And then I get this other flood of reassurance because I can call E. If he's sleeping, working, talking, eating, relaxing or doing ANYTHING else, I can call him and I know without a doubt in my mind that I have nothing more than seconds in between all the right words and all the love in the world.
Right now I am so drained. I've had such a sad week full of bad news, heartbreak, heartache, toothaches, fear, anxiety, stress, obsessive-compulsive set backs, crying, frowning, struggling and the list could go on. I feel like I'm in a cage. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a cage and I can reach my hands through the bars just enough to graze the object or goal I'm striving for. Sometimes I can get a hold of it, feel it, taste it... other times I'm too tired to keep stretching and I just fall down.
But there are things I can do in a cage besides cry. I can pray, I can love and I can sing.
"The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing"
-Mya Angelou
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