I found out today that Dale was fired. It's honestly too much to type out concerning how this will affect my mom, and even me. But it's days like today that make me wish I had family. I have friends who say they consider me as family but honestly, I don't really believe them anymore. I try to stay in touch, to do things or ask how days are going and they're rarely reciprocated with genuine interest. I can only deceive myself for so long before I realize that the fantasy of having this huge extended family is nothing more than false reality. It's not that I actually blame them, I mean, they have their own life and their own family. I look at my friends and even though they might not always get along with the people they're related to, they have a plethora of options when it comes help from family. I don't know what it's like to call an aunt, an uncle, a cousin. I can't remember what it's like to call my grandmother. I don't know what it's like to have a dependable dad. Most days I'm okay with all of this because I feel that God has more than compensated for my lack of blood relatives... but there are days like today, that are few and far between, that I realize just how alone my mom and I really are. It makes me so sad. I literally have tears because as I think about it, it just doesn't seem fair. And yet I also have to remember that life wasn't meant to be fair, or easy... just worth it. I have faith that God will provide for us when it seems like no one else can or will... but it's so hard to stay encouraged when you feel like you're the only one offering yourself encouragement.
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
oh olivia, this breaks my heart in more ways than i can describe...i'm sorry to hear about dale's job. i know that's more stress that you and your mom need right now. please know that even though i might get caught up with life, that i will always make time for you. sometimes, that might mean you have to ask out right but i will do my best to always be there. i know you know that i understand how you feel about not having family to reach out to and because of that, i feel responsible to you in some ways. to make sure that you always have someone to reach out to...to make sure you do feel surrounded by people that love and care about you. that you always have some place to eat hamburger helper and blow off steam. i'm sorry i haven't been there as much recently. i also don't want you to feel like you have to say it's ok...because it's not. you are family to me. families get caught up in things and neglect the ones they love the most until they are reminded that they can't stay absorbed in their own life happenings if they want to truly be good to those folks. thanks for the reminder. come by anytime. let's go for a walk. let me know if there is anything i can do to help.
ReplyDeleteand more than anything, know that you are right. where we as families fail each other, God gets it right. every single time. He has great plans for you and will always have you back.
Thank you... but it really is okay. I don't just feel like I have to say that, I just really mean it. This wasn't about you particularly at all... I feel bad that it might have come off that way. I was just having a really bad night and it was just an awful time for me to try and write anything.
ReplyDeletelove you.
i took it as a general feeling, not directed at anyone in particular...i just wanted you to know that i would like to be there. you know, for whatever. good and bad.
ReplyDeletelove you back.