Last night I had the worst dream ever. I don't often have bad dreams, or dreams that make me confront my fears, but I guess my subconscious had a lot on her mind because it completely ruined my sleep.
It was my vow renewal day, and I was sitting in a room with Ethan getting ready when I started to send text message to people asking if they were coming. One by one, I got messages that said, "I'm so sorry we can't make it," or, "I completely forgot!" I looked out into a big room that was set up for a ceremony and saw three or four seats, out of maybe 200, occupied by older people who were falling asleep. Then I woke up.
I wonder if I will ever get over my fear of complete rejection and feeling of just not belonging. I swear this dream had me in tears when I woke up. Sometimes I can pump myself up and convince myself that people will be there, but then I always manage to remember that just because I wish I had a huge guest list of friends and family, I don't. I wonder if it's even worth it, honestly.
I'm already married. And as my sister says, who wants to go to a fake wedding anyway?
The dream of wearing my dress and celebrating in style is far overrated, I guess. At least without a ceremony, I won't have to face the fact I have no bridesmaids left.
If E were here, he'd make me feel better.
I will be there. It will be the first time I get to see you guys get married, making it very real for me. Plus that whole I love you and love to see you happy and love how you and Ethan love each other and wanting to see you in that damn dress I've only seen in a bag in my driveway thing :) chin up. You are loved.
ReplyDeleteYou can always count me in. I would love to see you and Ethan renew your vows, I want you to come to me and dj's. You have truy been a big help and a good friend and its only been a monthor two knowing you. Its not about the people its what you and E want and all brides deserve to wear that dream dress they always wanted on their wedding day or renewal :)
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