...I've actually created a REAL budget
...I've actually created a MANAGEABLE workout schedule
...I've actually figured out an EDIBLE diet/meal plan
...I've actually found ZERO reasons why this can't work
I know I talk about dieting all the time, working out all the time, etc. and I rarely ever do it. But September is already gone! I've sort of put this whole "change my life" thing off until I can't anymore. If I don't start now, I won't be able to reach my goal before Ethan comes home and honestly, that motivation is the best I've had in years. I don't want him coming home to me like I am now; the person he left behind is unhealthy, out of shape and not taking the best care of herself. How can I be a good AWESOME wife if I don't take care of myself? I don't think I really can.
So I'm scared because I know that this is pretty much IT. Now or never, so to speak. I don't want to let my husband down, I don't want to let myself down. I think that's why I've put this off for so long... I'm totally scared that if I start I might fail and well, sometimes not starting is way easier than failing.
but it's now or never, right?
So the other 99.9999% of me is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY stoked for October! It has, for as long as I can remember, been my favorite month out of the whole year. It will be much less eventful this year; I won't have as many festive things to do, pumpkins to pick or people to spend it with, but I will experience it anyway. I am going to try my best to make the best out of something I've always loved so, so much. I looked back on pictures from last October and it brought happy tears to my eyes... the friends I've lost touch with, the one who I'm not allowed to talk to, the husband who's thousands of miles away... I've got the best memories and can fondly remember a time in my life that I felt so blessed and loved and surrounded by people who were, and in a way still are, so much like family.
I truly pray that the magic of October brings something new and exciting for me. I don't really know how I'm supposed to meet new people because I've never, ever been good at that, but I've come to realize that sitting in my apartment being scared for E, praying that William lets Lindsey be friends with me again - as if she's innocent in all this and I should even want someone like that to be my friend again - and wondering why I'm always ending up on the dumped side of a friendship isn't going to magically fix my problems and bring my friends back. Sad but true, it's time to refocus my energy. I've apologized to who I can apologize to, kept my hopes up for too long and I'm finally accepting that what's in the past is simply that... over and in the past.
The end of September is also a super incredibly exciting thing because that means we are officially ANOTHER MONTH DOWN ON THIS DEPLOYMENT! Technically our boys didn't leave the US until the 3rd of August, so Oct. 3 will mark two months but still... an entire, full calendar month has passed! I cannot begin to describe the feeling of relief that two months are down...in some ways the time seems to be dragging and in other ways it's flying right past me. I can vividly remember the feeling of never wanting to let get of E the night I had to leave him at Bliss before they deployed, and the wash of relief as I drove away knowing that I could finally, finally stop dreading the deployment and begin dealing with it. And I am super proud to say that I've dealt with it much better than I ever thought I would. The Lord has surely blessed with me with a peaceful mind, a calm energy and the occasional cry that reminds me how much I truly love my husband...who is more and more handsome every time I see a picture of him.
Lord, thank you for blessing us with another month. Thank you for keeping Ethan and the 151st safe, and for giving those of us back home the strength to make it through this deployment, too. I pray that you continue to watch over our men and be with them constantly. Remind them of your protection, love and peace and protect them from the enemy. Lord, I pray for those who are seeking to bring harm to our loved ones as they know not what they do. I pray that their hearts open to you and that through Christ they find salvation, forgiveness and the concept of loving others. Lord, forgive me for falling short in my duties as a wife and help me to be the best system of support for my husband, even when the miles separate us.
Thank you God, for another night and thank you for October.
Amen!
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