If I Could Turn Back Time

Yesterday was October 6th. Over a year ago when Ethan and I were engaged we set that date to be the day we would be married in front of our family and friends. I have always dreamed of an October wedding and it crushed my soul to wake up yesterday in a bed that was far too big for one person. The weather was beautiful and it even rained last night; it's good luck for it to rain on your wedding day. It would be have been the perfect day, and for some lucky couples out there, I'm sure it was.

I was angry that I couldn't have my special day yesterday, and I almost let it ruin the fact that I was already married to the love of my life. If I could back in time and not tell a soul that I was married, I think I would. It isn't that I'm embarrassed of being married or that I think I made a mistake, but so many people judged us and gave us a hard time. I lost touch with my best friend and I can't help but think that it had something to do with the fact that I got married. If I could go back in time, I would have had him at my ceremony.

But to be 100% honest, the only two people that mattered during that ceremony were probably the two that ended up the least happy with the outcome. It would have been just as special had it have been me, E and a justice of the peace. That is really all I wanted to begin with. I let too much influence me into having this makeshift small elopement at home and it was so unnecessary... it cost more than money; it cost friendships, family and memories.

But it's in the past and I can't turn back time. I will still hold dear the memory of calling Ethan my husband for the first time, saying our vows and just being married. Because in the end, I wouldn't trade being married already for anything in the world. As much as things didn't change between us after we said, "I do," things did change. I loved him harder and a bit different. I saw him with just a slightly different attitude and as absolutely corny as this sounds, I felt so complete. I found the one whom my soul loves.

There are certain things that you don't understand until you experience it. For example, if you have never experience sleep paralysis, you will never ever understand how completely terrifying it is. And I never completely understood what it meant to find the one my soul loves until I was married to my husband. I found him.

So while I'm not 100% sure what the entry is supposed to be about, I felt like I was obligated to write a glimpse of what I was thinking yesterday. I went from angry to sad, happy to confused, mortified to embarrassed, depressed to at peace. It was a rough day and I'm glad that it's over.

I don't regret being married. Let me repeat, I do not regret being married. What I do regret is the way it happened. I wish I could have done it 100% privately, with no one finding out. If I could turn back time (please cue Cher in the background), I'd be keeping the world's sweetest secret and for a solid year and ten months, the only four people who would know I was a Mrs. would be me, my husband, the Army and a judge. I think that would have been entirely romantic. A marriage is, after all, a very private thing between two people. Who needed to know? No one.

But people know. And as much as I go back and forth between wanting a ceremony to renew our vows and not wanting one, deep down I am so freaking excited to have one. I cannot wait to write my own vows, stand before my family, husband and God and reaffirm my commitment to him. I can't wait to wear my dress, have beautiful pictures taken and celebrate not only our marriage, but our entire relationship that spans for seven years. I can't wait to celebrate the fact that we made it through a deployment, to celebrate my husband coming home.

I know it will be a beautiful day and that those that truly matter the most will still come, despite what my sister calls it being a "fake wedding." I just have to get through these next several months of being alone with my thoughts.

This deployment is surely taking its time... my favorite month is dragging; I wish it would just fly by.