What are you trying to show me?

I believe in the power of dreaming.

There are few things that we do that serve absolutely no purpose, so I can't bring myself to believe that when we fall asleep, we dream for absolutely no reason. As long as people have been able to articulate what happens inside our minds once we fall asleep, there have been theories as to what causes our brain to flood itself with imagery and emotion so vivid that at times it seems we're living a second life throughout the night. And yet, there has been no concrete revelation to tell us exactly what purpose a dream serves.

Maybe it's the romantic in me that at times convinces myself that it's our way of living out fantasies that we can't quite make happen when we're awake. The spiritual side of me believes that it's our own soul's way of revealing our true character; spilling our deepest secrets so that we can figure them out for ourselves. The religious part of me is convinced that a dream is God's way of most intimately connecting with us, as if when we're asleep, we're more likely to listen to what He has to say.

It's been about three months since Lindsey and I stopped talking, and most definitely not by my choice.Three months since I got the call in the middle of the night that William was leaving her. Three months since I rushed to her apartment to find her in tears, describing how he had spoken to her earlier in the day. Three months since he confessed to hating me.Three months since her husband gave her the ultimatum to chose between their marriage and my friendship. Three months since I lost.

Several days ago I had the most odd dream. I dreamed that Lindsey had talked me into marrying her for a reason. It wasn't because we were secret lesbians who had fallen in love, no, it was a means to an end. I remember dreading it in my dream and I watched her run around very excitedly in a way that only Lindsey can do. When she sets her mind to something, she goes full force and doesn't think about the consequences until much later. I never found out why we were getting married, because I woke up before we actually did it. I remember having this feeling of panic and dread because I couldn't bring myself to tell her no.

Last night, I had another dream but this one was much different. I dreamed that I had ran into her park. It was night time and there were lots of people around when I walked up to her and told her that I wanted my ring back. When Lindsey got married, she got a wedding band that looked very similar to mine. For whatever reason, we traded. She gave mine back very rudely, and I began yelling at her, "Why are you doing this to me? What did I do?" and she told me that it wasn't about me and that it wasn't her fault. Then, she starting making out with her husband right in front of me, and I walked off. I cried as I tried to find my car, but I couldn't remember where I parked it.

I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. It's one thing for me to obsess over something, because that's just what I've always done. But it's an entirely different thing for something to ruin my sleep and infiltrate my dreams. I stayed away for hours thinking about what I could have done differently, in real life or in my dream time and I couldn't figure it out. I did what I could. I was the kind of friend that I would want to have myself and in the end, it just didn't work. I became so bitter as I played our conversations over and over in my head and then found myself in prayer. I want God to take away the anger I have towards her and her husband.

Lord, what are you trying to show me? At first I wanted to save my friendship but now, I just want to forget about the whole thing. The more I think about it and try to make myself understand, the more bitter I become. Lord, I just ask that you shed light on what this is supposed to be teaching me. Give me peace that I did what I could and that sometimes, it's just not in my control. Lord, I can't change others but You can change my heart.

Let your light shine through me, and let me learn to let go.