The best definition of introvert that I could find online says, "a person who tends to shrink from social contacts and to become preoccupied with their own thoughts." Other definitions used words like "self-centered" and I didn't appreciate it one bit.
So this past Friday, my best friend invited me to come see him. I immediately said I didn't think so, because I probably had to work the next day and then, sighed inwardly. It rolled off my tongue so easily that I got confused and actually looked at my calendar once I hung up to see if I had a meeting or something scheduled that I subconsciously knew I had to attend. Nope. It simply wasn't true. I'm so used to trying to get out of social situations for whatever reason that avoiding them is just second nature. Before I had time to change my mind, I messaged him and simply said, "Okay. I'll come."
And I went.
If I had been thinking clearly, I would have slashed my own tires for fear that this trip to Boone would be like the previous, catastrophic trip that resulted in almost an entire year of ridiculousness. If I had been a little more guarded, I would have been terrified that something would go wrong and I'd end up looking like an idiot. Luckily I don't even own a full-length mirror, because if I did, I'd have convinced myself that I didn't even look decent enough to go.
But thankfully, I wasn't thinking clearly at all. I was, for the first time in awhile, excited to see someone. I am probably fifty percent sappier and more sentimental in words than I am in real life, but it's no exaggeration when I say that I really love my best friend. And I simply wanted to see him.
I have started to realize that being an introvert explains 99% of the parts of me I don't quite like; and yes, I don't like being an introvert. The parts of my best friend that I love the most are the parts that I envy - the personality that charms everyone he meets, the ability to adapt into any social situation he's given and his unique way to completely make you feel something that you can't always put your finger on. Over the years, I have built up a million walls around myself and he's managed to find a window and crawl through every single one with ease. There is something both refreshing and terrifying about someone knowing you better than you know yourself.
Lukas, I love you. Thanks for not giving up on me when I have long since given up on myself. Even though an entire bottle of wine can't make me chatty, I appreciate you sticking with me and letting me at least try. Because I really do try. The past few months without E here have made me appreciate so many things, and you are one of my favorite things. When it seemed like things were too crazy to fix, you simply did. When I just decided that it was best to let it go, you reminded me that things were never really gone. I will probably screw up a million more times before I'm dead, but until I'm in the ground, I'm going to keep trying to be the best friend that I can be. I will probably fail more times than I get it right, but at least my effort is yours.
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