Monday, December 3, 2012

So About Last Night

I really need to refrain from blogging when I'm at the peak of an emotional meltdown.

Last night was pretty terrible, I can't lie. Something just washed over me as I was trying to put together Ethan's care package for Christmas. Today is the deadline for shipping to an APO in order for it to arrive by Christmas, so I was rushing last night to put together his box. It's not the worst box I've ever done, but it's not wonderful either. I couldn't get it together. Nothing was fitting inside there correctly, the box doesn't look as pretty as I would have liked and I still can't figure out if I did enough. I don't really think I did, but what can I do at this point but move on?

Putting this box together was sort of like Veteran's day. I had no clue how emotional it would make me or why, if there even has to be a reason, that it got to me so much. I think maybe knowing that he won't be home for the holidays is something I've accepted but didn't quite realize what it meant. Being around his family, watching other couples celebrate together... it just adds up to a very depressing season.

I had heard from other wives that the middle of the deployment is always the worst part. I thought they were crazy! How in the world could the middle point be tougher than those first, terrifying nights? Well, I've completely figured out just how horrible the middle part can be.

For the most part, it's exciting to see the number decrease in terms of how many days are left until he's back in the US, but there are moments when I think about how long it's been since I've seen him and then realize how many more days will pass before he comes home and I'm just overwhelmed. It can make something as simple as wrapping a Christmas present torture, or something as normal as carrying on a conversation via text message excruciatingly painful. It sometimes makes absolutely no sense, and maybe that's okay. I haven't figured it out yet.

I'm still lucky to have people around me who put up with me when I'm going through rough days... I do my very best to be there and support other people, so sometimes I set my expectations really high when it's my turn to need someone, and rarely have I been disappointed in the past few months.

As a side note, I learned not to listen to Mariah Carey's greatest hits when I'm sad because 1) they will make cry harder and 2) they will not help lift me into a better mood.

But on a positive note...

Yesterday marked the end of nine weeks worth of dieting and working out and I'm really, really, REALLY excited about it. I've still got 235923453 a whole lot of pounds to lose and a shit ton of work ahead of me, but I've lost about 25 pounds, give or take a few ounces, and it feels really, really good. This week I'm getting re-trained on all the machines at my gym because it's been about three years since someone showed me how to work everything and I'm going to start working with weights at least twice a week. I still love my elliptical but I need to start toning up as well...

Once I get down another size in jeans, I'll post a progress picture... I'm thinking I probably have about twenty pounds to go but that's completely doable... Most likely by mid January I should be there.

So here's to an intense week of working out and trying to keep my head above water... it'll be a battle but I'm ready.

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