What's It Like Not To Count?

I don't think I'm being sensational when I say I can't remember a time when I wasn't counting down to something huge and life-changing. As a teenager, I was always counting down the days until I could drive, graduate, buy a lottery ticket and eventually a beer. During college, I counted down the days until finals, summer vacations and eventually graduation. Perhaps the toughest parts of the count down game come from "real life." Marking off the days until Ethan would get home from basic training, counting down until the day I got married and moved out of my childhood home and now, what might be the hardest thing I've ever had to "wait" for, my husband to come home from Afghanistan.

And I have to wonder... what comes next? When Ethan is home, things will be so different for me. I have no idea how to live without waiting for something. When most people look at the calendar, they see a set of dates that help them organize their lives. When I see a calendar, I see an X being marked off slowly but surely, counting down until The Day. When I see a clock, I don't just see minute and hour hands, I see grief and fear ticking away. And I have no clue what's going to happen when that isn't the case anymore.

I sometimes imagine what it will be like when Ethan comes home and it's just us. Already married, the thought of another deployment is so far out of mind, and all the things we've been waiting for just surrounding us as if to proudly say, "look at what you did! It's here, it's here!" Just a home with our dog and and then whatever we want. And I know that sounds childish to say that I'm looking forward to just doing whatever the hell we want but it isn't at all. Lately, someone dictates when we can talk on the phone, when we can see each other, how long we can chat online, etc. etc. And you know what? I can't wait for the day that we look at each other and say, "What do you want to do today?" And neither of us will know. We'll sleep too late, eat breakfast at lunch, fill our tank of gas all the way to the brim and just drive until we forget where we are. And it will be perfect.

I have no idea what it's like not to count the days "until". And I am so excited to find out what it's like, that I can hardly stand it some days.

But for now, we're 131 days down, and over 150 to go...