To the road ahead.

For the sake of honesty, here's a side of my life I've tried hard to sweep under the rug. It might not be pretty, but it's life.

When I first found out that Ethan was deploying, I was in so much denial. I can remember exactly where I was standing when I found out that things weren't going to work out with RTOC in Charlotte. I was in Hobby Lobby, just putting down a sign that said, "Go ARMY" after telling someone that it would look cool in my house. Oh, the irony. I didn't really cry when I found out, but the days that followed were mind numbing. I wanted to figure out a way to get him out of the deployment and I was furious that he didn't really want to follow along with my plan. He wanted to go. Emotionally, I took that as a sign that he didn't want to be home with me. That he didn't care if something bad happened. That he didn't care it was ruining my (overly dramatic at times) life.

Of course, being a combat engineer is his job and why wouldn't he want to do it? The opportunity to travel, experience a world that doesn't exist here and figure out (maybe) a little of what life is really all about... why wouldn't he want to go? Well because I won't be there... duh.

But as plans were being made to prepare for deployment, it started settling in that his time to head off to war was coming. I busied myself with getting married, being in school and balancing a hectic lifestyle while being a wife. Maybe, I thought, if life gets too hectic, he'll have to stay. But alas, time hasn't really stopped. My busy schedule has not stalled the impending departure and I'm figuring out that ready or not - my husband is leaving all too soon.

In the middle of this, a very large rift has occurred between me and my best friend. I won't get into the details because he reads this, and so do his friends apparently. But I couldn't for the life of me understand why I was taking it so hard. It didn't seem normal. Here I was, this "strong" woman, crying over someone who literally wasn't giving a second thought to our apparent separation as friends. Why couldn't I do that? It hit me as to why though, during a huge argument I had with Ethan. E couldn't understand why I had let it get to me so much and he was beginning to grow frustrated with my sadness. I blurted it out before I even realized what I had said: You're leaving, Ethan! Do you realize that before you're even gone, by biggest support bailed? Damn. I didn't mean it. Did I? Yes, I did. I thought that my best friend was truly going to help get me through the deployment... be a support system, etc. But the facts were hitting me like a ton of bricks. There was no support for my marriage, we hadn't been talking like "friends" in weeks, and things weren't going to change just because my husband was leaving the country. I had thought of him as my family. I didn't think you could "grow apart" from family. With cool words and a distance in conversation I never thought would come, I had to just finally let it go. I cried in E's arms and let so much emotion out. I realized it wasn't just about Lukas. Yes, it hurt, but it was about so much more.

I'm truly terrified. I'm not saying that it's okay to think worst case scenario, but let's face it: being a soldier comes with risk. There is a chance that my husband might not come home. For the next year, I will wake up every day praying to God that Ethan is safe and out of harms way, shielded from an enemy who also wakes up daily with the task of destroying our troops. And I'm so, so scared. Yes, I have faith in God. Yes, I trust his training. Yes, I know that I could walk outside in five minutes and get by a bus. But none of that takes away the fear I have. So when I realized I was losing my best friend, it was really about my fear of losing period. I've lost so much in life. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot, too... but I know loss and right now, I am not in a good place to be losing anything.

At one point, Lukas told me that I was just a very negative person and he didn't need my negativity because it brought him down. I knew in my heart that I had been very depressed for a long time, but the words felt heavy and the reality was unsettling. My fear and my anxiety really were taking over, and it's already cost me someone that I truly didn't want to lose. For so many reasons, I don't want to take anti-depressants. Lately, I've been making some lifestyle changes that I pray work to help me feel better. But I'm just now starting a very long journey to getting back to myself.

I can't deny that I'm still very shaken. I'm a nervous wreck, sometimes. I can't watch the news without my stomach turning in knots and I've already started to realize that it's going to be a very, very tough year ahead. But such is life, with turns and curves that you never expect. Mountains that we later realize were simply hills and we run into plains that we didn't seem to notice were inclined. Time continues - it gets us through the good and sails us through the bad.



Here's to the road ahead.

Who Saved Who?

I'm mainly writing this as an update because I didn't want to go too much longer without posting. I hate when I have weeks between posts... it makes me feel like I'm an awful blogger.

Probably the biggest thing that's happened in the past few days is the newest addition to my little family, Mariska.

A few days ago, I was on Facebook and happened to see a post by a friend, Tim Elliot, who was advocating for the adoption of several animals from the Gaston County Animal Control. Scheduled for euthanization the next day, these puppies only had a few hours left before their fate would be decided. The main dogs that caught my eye were a litter of labs. Reminded me of my Sasha, I called for hours trying to get through to see if they had been "pardoned", but never got ahold of anyone. Wanting only to rescue the dogs and then find a home for them later, I convinced E to drive me to Gastonia to check on them.

Once we got there, the conditions were so much worse than I imagined. We found out when we got there that the labs were still there, but were likely to be picked up the next day by a rescue group. We then asked for a list of all dogs on the Euthanization list for the next day. She didn't want to give it to us and then asked us what kind of dog we were looking for. Not seeming to understand that we were trying to save a puppy from death row, we went back and forth until she finally relinquished the list. We were escorted back to the dogs and were appalled at how they were kept. The lighting was so dim, the noises were terrible and the dogs had used the bathroom all over the place with no one cleaning it up. Some dogs had food, but others seemed hungry.

Ethan spotted a pair of puppies in a corner of one of the kennels... they weren't begging for attention and didn't seem to understand the position they were in. Perhaps, though, they did and wanted it to come sooner. It seemed they were living in a Hell on earth. We learned that of the two puppies, the male had been selected to be adopted but the girl was still up for grabs. She had a cherry eye, fleas and scratches; obviously malnourished, this boxer/pit bull was an unlikely candidate for adoption, considering she only had two hours left before he final fate was decided.

We agonized over what to do. We had come to rescue a puppy but this one seemed rather high maintenance. Could we afford the $90 adoption fee and then the surgery to fix her eye? We went back to talk to the lady at the front desk and inquired about having them let us get her spayed on our own at our personal veterinarian office. She left us for a few minutes and then waved us to a back room. She told us that the puppy we were interested in was an owner surrender, who had until five that day to come back and get her. The owner cited her reason for leaving the puppies as not being able to take them when she moved away. We were told we could foster the dog until 5 that day, under the condition that if the owner came back we would have to give the dog back, but if the owner didn't show, she was ours to keep free of charge. With 45 minutes until 5, we left the shelter with the dog.

But we weren't going to keep her. Noooo. This was a rescue. The plan was to keep her, take her to the vet, get the surgery done and find someone to take her who was willing to help reimburse us for the cost of her medical bills, if affordable. HA! In the office of the animal control, before we left, Ethan started bribing me by letting me name her Mariska... after the one and only Mariska Hargitay of course:



On the way home, we had to stop and buy dawn dish soap because she had fleas, and Ethan picked out this cute little pink collar with a bell on it. We got her home and within a few minutes it was pretty obvious she wasn't going anywhere. The first night we had her, E made her a little 'crib' and put it beside our bed. This contraption lasted all of about ten minutes before she was snuggled up between the two of us. This habit has remained for all five nights that she's been "home" and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

Mariska had her first vet appointment today and we learned she was only about 12 weeks old and was relatively healthy considering what she had been through. She's got some worms that are easily treatable, needs to gain some weight and has a bit of a vitamin deficiency. All things that are quick fixes. Her eye will wait until about May to be fixed so she only has to go through a single round of surgery time... she'll get spayed during the same visit. Since her eye is just a cosmetic issue and doesn't bother her at all, we'll just embrace her little red eye as a part of her cute little personality until we can get her patched up.



Spoiled rotten, I tell you. She came at a such a perfect time. I was actually coming down with bronchitis which turned into pneumonia when we got her, and she was the perfect little cuddle buddy. E was off work for the first five nights she was home, so I had him to take care of me and little Mariska to make sure I was warm and snuggled just right. After going through a really tough month with a lot of depression issues, this little girl truly took my mind off things. She brought me a lot of happiness where I was missing it. She brought my husband and a little closer together and put my heart in a better place. She saved me as much as I saved her, I think. She's going to be a very nice addition to our little family.

Call Me Judgmental.

Something has been on my mind for the past days I can't seem to shake it. Recently, I was talking to some friends and somehow we got on the topic of Christianity and marriage. I think we were discussing two mutual friends who were going through a divorce, and I commented that neither were Christians and that if they were, it might have had a stronger chance. I also made the comment that I didn't understand how marriages who didn't center around Christ worked... that the quality of that marriage is not the same as the quality of a Christian marriage. Holy backlash, Batman. That didn't go over well and I was quickly told that I was being judgmental. This bothered me greatly... I felt like I was stating a fact, not an opinion of my own. So for the past few days I've done research on marriage. Maybe, I thought, I was wrong. Perhaps I really was being judgmental and I needed a reality check. So I'll start from the beginning of what I found, and coincidentally (or is it?) it starts with The Beginning.

In Genesis 2:22-24, we find a passage that shows us how God designed the institution that is marriage:

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

I wanted to stop my search here. In the second chapter of Genesis, God tells us exactly what marriage is. It doesn't instruct us on how to maintain the marriage, but it tells us what marriage is. It is ordained by God. I wanted to use this as an argument because it points out that marriage is an institution of the the Church, not of the world. Unfortunately, the original point I was making was that Christian marriages are of higher quality than non-Christian marriages. I made no argument of who designed marriage, and my friend didn't either. So I kept searching.

I came across a widely misunderstood passage in Ephesians 5:22-33:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This isn't talking about what a marriage is, this is the very core of marriage. This is instruction on how a marriage is to be maintained.. to recap, God created marriage in Genesis and now, He's telling us how to make it successful. So many people have this hang up with the word "submissive" when it comes to wives. I don't want to get into the meaning behind submission and what it means to me and my marriage, but I'll say that it doesn't have anything to do with making sandwiches or saying things like 'yes sir'. What I will focus on however, is the balance between the instruction God gives wives vs. husbands.


In this passage, wives are given TWO commands: submit to your husbands as to the LORD and respect your husband. Husband's on the other hand, are given a lengthy instruction on how to treat their wives, loving them and giving themselves to her unconditionally, just as Christ gave himself for the world. In perspective, submission and respect doesn't seem so bad when you are in turn receiving a love like Christ's. So many progressive women say they would never submit to their husbad, but this isn't really true. Submission doesn't mean catering, spoiling or enslaving. Submission means valuing the needs of your husband above your own; respecting his place at the head of the household just as Chris sits at the head of the church. Likewise, as Christ loves and desires joy for His children, the husband will love and cherish his wife without condition. It's truly a beautiful thing.

In Romans, 8:28, we read:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

In Genesis we learn that God created marriage with a purpose. In Ephesians we learn what God wants out of that marriage. In Romans, we find the answer I was looking for. God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. When called into a marriage, which is God's purpose, God words for the good. God is good. For Christians, this is a very important concept to grasp. In your marriage which is glorified by God, he is working GOOD. Not because He HAS to, but because he wants to. Because we have invited Him and allowed Him into the marriage, willingly as a humble sinner who recognizes a need for the love of the Father.

For non-Christians who don't understand that key component to a marriage, something is missing. I don't believe that God abandones those who aren't saved, but it's the same concept one has when they're lost and then found. Without Christ there is a void that cannot be filled, once saved, there is clarity and peace, along with forgiveness. Just as the Trinity would not be complete without The Father, the Holy Spirit and the Son, a marriage is not complete without the key, third component: The Trinity.

So I guess in a way, I can be called judgmental. I'm judging the quality of a marriage as it relates to the presence or absence of God. With Him, and you're on your way to the ultimate in satisfaction, without Him, you'll always be lacking. I'll stand up against any statistic, any marriage that is without the love of Christ enveloped around it and any person who calls me judgmental or naive: as a Christian, the only things that are truly good are good because of God and his love for His children.

I'm not saying that non-Christian marriages won't work. Sometimes they will. Just like sometimes, Christian marriages fail. But this the analogy I leave you with.

Two people buy the same car. An American-made sedan that is designed to last for years.

The first person takes very good care of the car. He invests in the car by maintaining correct oil changes, taking it to reputable maintenance shops regularly, changing tires and always making sure it's washed, vacuumed and over-all clean and fully functioning. It runs for 20 years, with expected needs for repair due to the age and natural use it's experienced.

The second person takes adequate care of the car. It runs for twenty years, too, but he neglects to change the oil, tires are constantly going flat and it isn't taken to a car wash but maybe once or twice, before getting dirty all over again. Over the years, unneccesarry roughness and agreession have made he seats torn and the leather fade, the car is still running, just like the first, but the quality is much less. The gas milage not as good. There wasn't as much bang for the buck.

This applies to marriage. Yes, a marriage without Christ can make it... but is it the best quality? No. And that's why I said I don't understand how non-Christian marriages work. I can't imagine living anything other than the "good" life and God hasn't let me down yet. He keeps working for the good.

And His love will never fail.

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

Answer the "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind"
These questions have no right or wrong answers
Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Sometimes 5, sometimes 40... I'm usually not anywhere in between. One of my goals for the next few years is to truly feel my age.

Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying. At least you know!

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Because as human beings, we aren't as intelligent as we give ourselves credit for.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? At this point, probably. But that isn't the goal really. I've accomplished a lot but my goals are much larger than my reality at the moment.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? So selfishly, I'd like to end the wars in the Middle East. Not for peace, not for justice, just to keep my husband safe and at home.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Traveling. Playing. Laughing.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Settling. Momentarily.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would probably waste less time fighting for the attention and care from those I love, and spend more time focusing on those who value me. In a sense, I'd chase less dreams but absorb myself in happiness from obtainable sources.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? 100%

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right thing in a way that puts me in the lowest risk of doing things wrong.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? Take a minute to absorb what they're saying. Maybe what they're saying is true, and my judgement has been clouded. If I know they're wrong without a doubt, I defend my friend because they're my friend and I love them. If they're right, I may not acknowledge it right away, but I would certainly attempt to do further evaluating.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Don't stop belieeeeeving. Hold on to that feeeelinggggg.

Would you break the law to save a loved one? It depends on what the law was, who the loved one was, what the situation was.. but probably.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Not yet.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Put effort into my relationships. Ha!

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Everyone is different.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? I really want to travel and get my master's and live somewhere else... money is the main thing holding us back from that, but also ties to family and the military.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Relationships, Anger, Trust, Distrust.... the list could go on. I also hold grudges; I get that from my grandmother.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? I would just move to another state, so I wasn't too far from family. Maybe Louisiana... I loved Mandeville!

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No I don't do that lol

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful Simpleton.

Why are you, you? I don't know how to be anyone else.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Very much so!

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend who lives near me.

What are you most grateful for? God sending his Christ, My husband.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Wow! I don't know that I can answer that. The latter would be the easiest, though.

Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? I don't think so.

Has your greatest fear ever come true? No, thankfully.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? I can remember times of being upset but nothing specific... in retrospect, it didn't matter at all.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? Time spent with my grandmother... I miss her terribly.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Marrying my husband on a whim in December... it was beautiful.

If not now, then when? When I have the money.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? The chase.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Yes! Once outside my work, super late at night with my best friend. That was refreshing! And most conversations I have with the hubbs :)

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because people are silly.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? I think so.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? I would quit the job I had now and I would seek employment that I really loved.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work that I enjoy doing.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yes, yes, and a million times yes.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? That has become a very normal thing in the past month.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? Family and friends, but mainly I'd spend it with my husband.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Not a chance!

What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Truly living is how you know you're really alive.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? When you can afford to.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Because society has attached a very negative connotation to failure.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? A lot of things I'd rather not say.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Just now when asked.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love my husband, my family and my friends. express this by trying to stay connecting, even though sometimes it doesn't always work.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Probably not.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I am making them for myself, starting today.

Finding My Place

It's already February and it feels like just yesterday I was celebrating the Christmas season. Now, the halls are free from decoration and the kind spirit that filled many has been replaced with the same void that occupies their minds for the majority of the year. I thought that this semester would go by slowly, with homework and exams testing me and pushing me to my breaking point and making me forget that I had a deployment looming ahead. Ha, so foolish. If anything this has been one of the most fast-paced semesters I've had in my college career. It's probably my own fault for only scheduling classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but also, school just doesn't phase me anymore. It isn't my priority. My mind is somewhere else. All of my assignments have been a breeze and I know that the papers I have ahead aren't that big of a deal. I'll get them done like always, no need to stress. I graduate in 94 days.. that's three months. The total amount of days I have left in class, since I only go on Tuesday and Thursday, is 22. That's almost a joke. Twenty Two more days of class and my undergraduate career is over. Are you kidding me? I don't even care to be honest. Ethan leaves 6 days before my graduation so I'm thinking of not even walking. I don't really have to and I would save on buying a gown. My sister didn't get to walk at her graduation, so it wouldn't really be fair to have my parents there when they couldn't be there for her. And no one else is going to really care to come. The only one I know is ridiculously proud with a desire to be there, well, he'll be training for Afghanistan. Why bother?

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do when E leaves. We had a long talk the other day about how he's more concerned with leaving me at home than he is going. He even mentioned that he isn't afraid of dying, he's afraid of what his death would do to me. That's a very sobering conversation to have with your husband; I imagine it's hard to have with anyone. It left me so scared and so small... how brave of him to put me before his own fear? It brought me closer to the reality that I've already been facing. I'm utterly terrified of losing him. While he's gone, he's afraid that I'll slip into this depression and not take care of myself... I need to make sure he knows I'll be fine. More than that, I need to make sure that I'll actually be fine.

It's weird when I think about where my life is now.... I don't think I would have imagined this in a million years if someone would have asked me what it would resemble a year ago. My two best girlfriends have kids now and that's just mind blowing. They've got this little family that I'm ridiculously jealous of... their own home, children and a husband (or pretty much husband) that isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

The dynamic between my best friend and I isn't the same... it's much less involved. Talking everyday is gone, and while texts used to come frequently I'm lucky if I'm answered within a few hours. I can't complain though, because everyone is moving on with their lives and it's so exciting for them. I'm happy for them, because they each deserve it. It doesn't make us any less close, it just makes it different. I just wish I could find my own place. I wish I could be just as busy as they are, so that I don't feel quite as left out of the loop. I can't party on the weekends (not that I really want to most of the time) and I can't set up my life as easily. I have so much free time now a days. I'm pretty much by myself a few weekends out of the month, and each night. That kind of seclusion takes a toll on a person, really.

I'm really praying that I'll get a job soon after I graduate so that I can leave Zander's. I've put in seven years, so it's just my time to go. I'm hoping I can meet some people and find a good, solid group of friends to add to the one I already have. I might get more involved in church, volunteer... something. I just hope I can get busy and occupied and have lots of stuff to actually do while he's away.

When he comes home, well, there are fears about his assimilation back into life as a civilian, but that seems so far away. For now, I'm just going to work on us. And on me. There's a place for everything and everything has a place... I just have to figure out where mine is.

When You Get Comfortable...

To My Future Kids,

Never get comfortable. I don't mean you shouldn't curl up in your favorite chair and read your favorite book, kind of comfortable or the kind of comfy you feel when you have found the most perfect spot on the bed with the covers bundled around you just right. I mean with life, don't get comfortable. When you're comfortable, you will be shocked by change. You will be wounded by actions you don't expect and you will fall into a sadness that would otherwise be replaced with wonder. Not being comfortable doesn't have to mean being uncomfortable, though. It means you are always aware that things could change. As soon as you feel as though something is solid, rock solid, it might change. Don't be alarmed by that, either. It's probably good. And if it's not good, make it good. There will times when people surprise you - and that's because you got comfortable. I don't mean that you shouldn't trust because if someone earns your trust you give it to them and you cherish it and don't you ever break it. But don't make that a reason to get too comfortable. Always know that things could change. Change. Change. Change. Life will happen, people will disappoint you. You will lose people along the way and you will be a better person because of the mark they left on your life and because of the marks you didn't let them leave on your life. Before that though, it will feel like a knife went through your heart but that goes away. The pain won't stay; the memories will never leave but each day, you'll get stronger and you'll come to your senses. It hurts. It sucks. It makes you regret but don't ever, ever regret. Do not settle for anything less than what you deserve...you deserve more than anyone could give you, but there's a difference in someone giving you their all and giving you what they think will satisfy you. You know what's best for you. If you make decisions and you find out that someone thinks it's the wrong one, that's okay. Trust yourself. If you find out that someone you thought supported you but never really did thinks you made mistakes, use that to fuel your fire. Prove them wrong. Make them realize that you are fierce. Never let someone walk into your life and become one of your top priorities if they only make you an option. It is when you let this happen that you'll get comfortable being an option, and when someone decides you're not an important option anymore, you'll find yourself not knowing where to turn. Don't let it get this far.

But if you do, you WILL be okay. Definitely okay. Because you're stronger than you think and you are not easily broken.

You are strong. You are important. You are valuable. You are unique. You are an amazing friend. You are not to be taken advantage of. You are solid. You are rich with things money can't buy. You are worthy. You are a child of God.

Trust me. It's in your genes.

Adjusting

So many things have completely consumed the first half of January for our family. To start with, there has been a tremendous change of schedule since the end of last year.

Ethan has been pushing to get a full time job here at home ever since he found out about his deployment and decided to leave UNCC for this semester. Many people gave him a hard time about not sticking with school but honestly, this was what was best for us. Having him home to spend these last few months with us before he leaves is priceless to me, and school can come later. I'm a huge advocate for school and education, but I also know that we have our priorities in order. Thankfully, he got a job at Ethan Allen but unfortunately, he's working third shift.

This has been a struggle for me because we're on complete opposite schedules. We get to spend a few hours together in the mornings but other than that, our contact is limited. Ethan goes in to work at 9:30 and works until 6:30 in the morning. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I work from 1:30 until 9:30, so I go to work when he sleeps and he's gone when I get home. on Tuesdays and Thursdays I see him when he wakes up for about an hour, but other than that, I have him for about 2 hours each morning before I go to class or my internship. It's a struggle because we're newly married and we want to be with each other so much and we can't. We fight more than we should because we're so stressed but there isn't much we can do to change it right now. It's also tough because this is a gigantic reminder of what is happening in May. Soon, we won't even have two hours a day together.

In a way, this is making it easier because we're sort of weening ourselves off of one another. But that isn't what a newly married couple should be doing. We are unable to enjoy each night together, each morning together or each afternoon. Occasionally we have an entire weekend to ourselves, but because of Ethan's job, we aren't able to even take a weekend off and go somewhere with just the two of us. It's discouraging but I'm hopeful that we're experiencing out "worst of times" right now, so when he gets home from his deployment, our "best of times" will kick in to full gear and we'll be moving full steam ahead with a somewhat normal marriage.

Sometimes, it doesn't even feel like we're married and that might sound harsh but I think Ethan would agree. Yes, we're living together now but as I mentioned, we aren't around each other much so the time we are together is spent playing catch-up and just rushing through conversation. We don't have time for date nights or watching movies together usually, so I think when he comes home and we have our own home we will find that married life is much more pleasurable and enjoyable.

I've been working on a few of my resolutions for 2012 and I have to say I'm impressed with myself! While I obviously haven't blogged much this new year, I've done many other things. Here's a reminder of what my resolutions were:

1. My first resolution is traditional, over done and rarely accomplished so I'll say it first and get it out of the way: eat better, get fit and lose weight. I know, I know... so many say they'll do it but I really, really want to. I've struggled for a long time and I'm so ready to make this happen.

2. Get to church weekly! ...okay at least more often than I've been going. This year, I grew much closer to God and solidified my salvation. I weaved in and out of church but I really want to start going more and reconnect with St.Paul Lutheran Church in Startown.

3. Heart Organizing More! I think anyone who does their selves a favor and visits Jen's blog over at iHeartOrganizing leaves with many a feelings that include, but are not limited to: inspiration, excitement, a little doubt and a slight bit of self loathing... Why couldn't WE be that awesome and imaginative?! All the same, the girl has it going ON and I can't wait to organize, de-clutter, and better manage my life as well as mine and my husband's time and finances.

4. Become a Chef! ...actually, I just want to be able to cook things from scratch occasionally, make things out of a box sometimes, and microwave our dinner on other nights, too. I'm not bad cook but I'm no Betty Crocker. Ethan comes from a family of women who know how to cook well and make marvelous things out of nothing at all. My grandmother loved to cook but when she was alive, I was too young to appreciate the wisdom she could have passed on to me. My mom isn't a lover of the kitchen, so I'm determined to change things up for us both. It's totally time to start trying cool recipes and maybe even make a few of my own!

5. Blog Blog Blog. I love my blog. But it is so weird. Sometimes I rant, other times I post long, meaningful posts, and there's everything else in between. For 2012, I want to create a wonderful space to write and recollect my first year of marriage, among my many other firsts (deployment, year after graduation, etc). I need to update the layout, get a catchy new title & devote more time to writing on a schedule. I also need to do much better about pictures and video, which leads me to my next goal for 2012.

6. Capture My Life! I need to first purchase an awesome camera, but even before that, I intend to document more things photographically as well as through video. I'd love to set a goal of vloging once a month, and also updating my blog with more pictures throughout the year. Not just virtually, though. I want to make photo books, and perhaps dabble a bit in scrapbooking. While it can get expensive, those memories are so worth every penny. You can't take it with you!

7. $ave lot$ of Money! We are by no means a wealthy young married couple, but we're also pretty lucky. I work, Ethan works, Ethan is in the National Guard and we have a lot less debt combined than most young college students accumulate. While we're going to be working to pay off our -mostly my- debt during 2012, I also plan to save lots of money and cut corners wherever I can. As a wife, I think part of my responsibility to my husband is to help provide for as much as I can without losing sight of the fact that my husband is the head of the marriage, just as Christ is the head of the church. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, because I understand that it is an equal partnership that requires just as much work from me as it does him. I am not submitting to his every desire or making him sandwiches when he demands, but I am working to please him just as he works to please me. Together, I pray, that we can become financially secure during 2012 and into 2013 when he comes home.

8. Get my read on. I love books. I love them, love them, LOVE them times infinity. Sad to say, I've maybe read one book since seventh grade. I know, crazy, right? But school has me reading lots of things for no fun and then you throw the internet in my face and all my free time for reading just seems to disappear. But I want to reclaim it and enjoy it and truly reconnect to my favorite past-time. I was given several books for Christmas that I can't wait to read and I look forward to getting new ones. I'm thinking about getting a kindle or a nook, so we'll see how this goes!

9. Be An Awesome Army Wife. It still hasn't sunk in completely that I'm a wife, let alone the wife to an amazing soldier. While his deployment is something I'm dreading, I'm looking forward to taking advantage of my time at home to be better for him and Him. I'm looking forward to sending only the absolute best care packages, writing sweet letters, embracing short phone calls and counting down to r&r and homecoming. I'm already planning video updates, photo-shoots, and other nifty ideas to pass both my time and his. No one looks forward to a deployment, especially in the midst of such an awful conflict, but it is coming. And instead of being in denial, I will take it by the horns and make the most out of such a terrible situation. Look out, deployment, here we come!

10. Keep Making Goals. There are so many other things I want to list. In fact, number 10 was going to be, "be more crafty!" until I realized I could go on and on and on. So my tenth goal is to keep on keepin' on. Everytime I think of something I want to accomplish - like right now, I decided I want to learn to knit - I need to write it down here and remind myself that I have another goal! It's time to make things happen and get the ball rolling.

I've not been to the gym yet, but I just started school and my internship this week and that's sort of what I've been waiting for. Now I have a really solid schedule and can work in gym time without worrying about being late for anything else. I'm proud to say that we have started going back to church and we're going to visit a few different churches together in the next few weeks. I'll probably stay at my home church during his deployment, but we're hoping to find a permanent "home" together when gets back. I'm also excited about how organized we're becoming! It's a slow process but the whole house is finally gaining some order, and with the help of calendars, filing bins and storage boxes, it's becoming so much easier to live without the stress of misplaced things or confusion over time and events.

As for the cooking, let me just say you cannot say I haven't tried! I've done really well about making breakfast most mornings, or at least setting out the cereal. I've made dinner several times and I try to pack E's lunch before I leave in the afternoons for work or he leaves for work. That being said, it is INCREDIBLY overrated to make everything from scratch. I did, however, make some pretty darn good mozzarella sticks last night. But to make up for when I DON'T feel like cooking, I found this awesome local service that I'm going to give a try next week. It's called Market on Main and this is how they describe their service:

Our menu accommodates busy lifestyles for those who want to eat delicious food that is healthy. By ordering from our suggested Meal Plan (breakfast, lunch & dinner) will assure that you are consuming between 1200 or 1600 calories per day. If you are simply tired of cooking or going out to eat, then select your favorite meals as you wish! For your convenience, Lifestyle Market Meals has calculated the nutritional information for you – a great safe way to eat healthy & lose weight! Each day’s delicious menu is well under 30% fat, high in fiber, 3-5 ounces of lean protein, low glycemic carbohydrates and seasoned to perfection.

Basically, lunches/dinners are $3.50/each and breakfast is $1.50. They make all the meals you want on Sunday and they're delivered on Wednesday. You keep them in the fridge for the week and heat them up when you're ready for your meal! I'm going to look at this week's menu, order about 5 different meals and keep them on hand for the nights I work until 9:30. This way, E can eat before he goes without having to wake up too early and I can eat when I get home without having to stay up until 11:00 cooking and cleaning. I'm really hoping we like the taste of the meals. They'll deliver for free, so I'm even MORE excited about that.

As i'm adjusting to this new life of mine, I'm starting to figure out just how important certain things are and how unimportant other things are. Ever since I got married, my social life has pretty much dropped off the radar. I don't get texts as much, I don't see my friends as often and phone calls are rather obsolete. I don't know if people think because I'm married I don't want to be bothered or if maybe I'm not trying hard enough myself... but honestly, I'm more lonely now than I was a month ago! Especially during the afternoons when Ethan sleeps and I'm home, I just get slapped with this reality that even though I'm married, I'm by myself. It's tough! I'm valuing the friendships I do have way more, but I'm also learning to adjust to not seeing them. I guess it's just part of life, but it's a part I don't really care for.

I'm hoping that in the next week I'll get used to the new schedule I have, including my workload and that I'll have adjusted better to this new life of mine... one can hope at least.