Last Night

Have you ever had a night that was just awful, and then you woke up the same thing? I don't know. Maybe I do more than I like to think but honestly, last night was just terrible.

It actually started earlier in the day. I was on my way to work to get some coffee when I got a call from Chris. I had called him earlier in the day to check on Kahluah, his oldest boxer. I had been watching her all weekend and I knew she wasn't feeling well. She was still eating and drinking but I also heard her whimper a few times and she had trouble getting up on the bed. I picked her up and cuddled with her Friday night, but Saturday night she stayed in the living room. You could tell she was in some kind of pain but she didn't act sick, really. At one point she was shaking and I called Chris who said she had done it before and that he would take her to the vet the next day. So Chris calls me back and tells me that Kahluah had just had a really bad seizure and that he was taking her to the vet at 1:30. I later found out he had to put her down. I wonder if I should have taken her to the after hours emergency animal hospital, or if I should have stayed with her longer Sunday so that she wasn't alone. I wonder if I should have loved on her more, not yelled at her when she tried to eat crumbs off the coffee table or if I should have been more concerned when I saw her shake. Was she having a seizure then? I really couldn't tell. I loved that dog. She was the oldest of the first dogs I ever got to pet sit and I will always miss her. It just won't be the same when I go over to watch Tanner and Buck because their big sister won't be there to come up behind me, patiently waiting for hugs. But I will always be grateful that no matter how angry it made Tanner to watch, I always remembered that she was there first and her treat was always given without waiting or making her sit too long. She got to go first when I was around, and I'll miss her trying to sneak on the couch when I'm watching TV.

After I left work I went by the Veterinarian office to pay the rest of the bill that we owed for Honey. I got there and it was just a very somber moment. I had asked her if we needed to cancel for our appointment that afternoon, the one that Honey was supposed to be at. I guess my mom had already called. I could see the computer screen and the vet tech said, so innocently, "Well your mom must have called because when a pet passes the screen turns red." Are you KIDDING me, lady?! So of course I had to have a breakdown in the middle of Conover Animal Hospital. I know she probably sees a ton of red screens every week, but I had never seen one before. It was like seeing her death represented physically and visually and I was not ready for that. I had already seen it happen, I didn't need it verified.

I was at work for the majority the rest of the night and that was okay... three Mormon's came in and I got to hear some really interesting defense for their church. I think I judged them a little too quickly last night because I immediately thought it was stupid but upon further contemplation I realized that I don't actually hate it. I just don't like it. I also feel bad because for 75% of the time I was listening I was actually mesmerized by the cheek bone structure of Elder Fronk. Can Mormons be gay? Or metro? Or Abercrombie models? I hope he can at least be ONE of those things when he is done because he will be damn good at any of them. Pretty thing.

I got home late and I was very sad. I was sitting at the laptop in the kitchen, just finishing dinner and everyone was kind of quite. Mom was sitting across from me and all of a sudden Sasha came running and jumped on the sofa, ears back and tail down. Dale comes storming in from the back with something in his hand and is yelling at Sasha. He then proceeds to shove SHIT in her MOUTH and starts telling her that she'll learn not to go to the bathroom in the house. I lost it. I literally lost it. I did not yell, I did not scream. All I did was start crying. Uncontrollably. I got a tissue and washed Sasha's face off and just held her because she was so upset. Or maybe I was upset and she was upset because I was upset. My mom was livid. Her and Dale start yelling at each other. I couldn't stop crying. Mom kept trying to talk to me and calm me down but I couldn't stop crying. I then realize that not only am I upset about Sasha but I now miss my pug because as I look around the room, my pug is not here. I then lose it even more. An hour later I am able to dry my eyes and try to go to bed. But I don't. I go in my living room where Pea is and I then remember that Kahluah is gone. I ask my mom how old Pea is and she says ten. I lose it AGAIN. Kahluah was only nine. I cry until almost midnight, just me and my Sweet Pea. During all of this I see a picture of Honey that only makes me sadder.

In the middle of all of this I get into a sort-of-fight with Lukas and Ethan but I cannot make myself care because I am SO incredibly sad that all that matters is missing my dog. And tonight things are just as sad. I'm not crying but there is an urn sitting four feet away that has my precious pug in it. I cannot bring myself to look at it. Maybe it's because I haven't lost someone in awhile that meant so much to me, but I had forgotten what this sadness is like.

This is morbid to event type but I had also never seen a living thing die. Watching life leave her was so easy, so peaceful and yet, so hard. I have not stopped thinking about death since. I am now terrified to even talk about but I can't stop thinking about it. I have always been afraid of death but now ever more. And how I'm going to die. Am I going to get cancer? Am I going to suffer? What can I do? I'm sure this will fade... at least I hope.

For tonight, I just miss my dog.