March Madness

When I say the word March, not much really comes to mind except "March Madness". I don't really like basketball and I couldn't tell you who's in the sweet sixteen right now, but that's really all I think about. The holidays that I think of are St.Patrick's Day (which I find ridiculous) and Shrove Tuesday/Ashe Wednesday which are both rather somber Christian holidays. The beginning of Spring is in March as well as a time change, but really those things seem to come and go with little celebration. March, to me, has always been a rather mundane month.

Please acknowledge the word "been" in the aforementioned sentence because March of 2011 has been anything but mundane. March started off on the worst possible note that I could have ever imagined. I specifically remember my life on March 1st. I was feeling the worst that I had felt in a very long time. It honestly felt like there wasn't a "bright side" to my life and if I had never been at a point of despair and discouragement before, I certainly became acquainted with both experiences that day. There were so many emotions that I could not rationalize on that day that I can so miraculously recall in hindsight. Before writing this, I went and read the blog I had posted on that very day (actually both of them) and while I was reading them, I could have cried. I remember the turmoil I felt, the anxiety and the fear. I remember feeling very alone and very afraid; it was the worst day I had had in a very long time.

I came into work that day very upset. It was Tuesday which is my very least favorite day of the week and I simply didn't want to work. For months now I've been working 36 hours a week and on that day, I was exhausted. I came in with an attitude and intended to leave with one; I knew I wasn't going to have a good night. I remember that we weren't very busy. My emotions had been building for days and a tweet from my best friend triggered my breaking point. I don't remember exactly what it said, but it infuriated me. I remember feeling like (and I don't exactly know why) that our friendship was on the brink of ending; that it was winding down. I called E and I cried for an hour. I cried about how I was being taken advantage of at work, about how my dad didn't really love me anymore (lame, I know), about how I felt completely left out of my best friend's life. I cried about how much I was going to miss E when he was gone and I cried about how I was missing so much at LR. I was full of self pity and regret and anger and fear. And I hung up with him and I cried for another hour. I didn't know what else to do with myself.

The next day I remember Ethan calling me, letting me cry and vent, and telling me to pray. As I wrote previously, it was a vital moment in my life. I prayed that night and while things didn't get better immediately, I felt a sense of peace. Lukas and I continued to fight/not speak/that weird thing we do for days when we're fighting by not speaking. We made up kind of eventually. I got this ballin' penguin that I really love and a card that I love even more. E and I went bowling with him, and it was the most awkward night ever. We were not ourselves; things seemed different and I cried again that night. I don't handle change well. Luckily, I think that was just the awkward "we just fought but heyyyy!"stage and it passed. Literally a week a later E & I celebrated L's birthday and it was lovely. In the middle of all of this, however, I was forced to realize E would really be deploying soon and it just hit me hard. It was a really rough week.

But through all of this, I've begun to grow closer to God. I suppose God knows what He's doing (I mean, He is omnipotent) because it is so easy to run to Him when things are going wrong. So it only makes sense to mold me while I'm at my weakest, and at my weakest I have been. I do not believe that "everything happens for a reason" but I do believe that God uses everything that happens for His reason. I have prayed a lot more than I ever have and I've never felt quite so content before. I have been able to be a witness to many people this month, many more than I have in my lifetime. I have made realizations about myself and those that I surround myself with and I've made decisions about how I want each person to be in my life. I've grown closer to Ethan in three weeks than we had grown in months; how lucky am I to know the love of my life at twenty?

Today was an awesome day for me. After finding out some shady things that deal with work this weekend, I decided that it was time for me to take charge of what happens with 'me'. I am overworked and I have missed out on far too much and it isn't happening anymore. While this summer is still debatable, this fall my schedule will be:

Monday: 1:30-9:30
Tuesday: off
Wednesday: 1:30 - 9:30
Thursday: off
Friday: 1:30 - 9:30
Saturday: off
Sunday: off

...Wait, does that say I'm off FOUR out of SEVEN days?! Yes, yes it does. My computer almost auto-corrected all of that because it isn't used to my hours NOT equaling 36 hours over six days a week. My life is about to become mine again.

I have discovered so much this month; I have found out that I have beautiful friends that I love like family, I have a relationship with Jesus that is growing and interesting, I have THE most amazing boyfriend in the entire world and I have my life ahead of me to live. March has been wonderful, so far.