Goodbye, August

Woah!

Where did August go? Today is the last day of the month and it's so, so exciting for me. A full month has passed since I've seen E which means an entire month of this deployment is officially over! I'm so blessed to say that it truly feels like just a month has passed. I won't go as far as to say that it passed by quickly, but it certainly didn't drag. I've heard that the first and last month are the hardest, so I'm hopeful that the rest of this deployment passes by in the same way. While I'm always thankful for the days and months God gives me to live, I certainly can't wait for the next eight to pass by.

August wasn't just about getting the first month of deployment down. While I almost always talk or write about how deployment affects my life, I realize that there are other things I've got to focus on and experience on my own. In that aspect, August really challenged me and I can say that there have been just as many ups as there have been downs. 

My job has been such a blessing. Financially, it's made us as comfortable as we've ever been. When it comes to actually enjoying the work, well, I'm getting there. There have been some tough days that I felt like it was so beyond me to actually be an executive director, but there have been other days that leave me with a feeling that I really am making a difference. The days that I'm enjoying work are slowly starting to outnumber the days I wish I were back to making coffee, so I'm taking that as a sign that God is using this job as a vessel for me to reach into the community and do His work. 

I've also actually made the first steps to become healthier and I've lost three little pounds. No, three pounds aren't a lot but they really have motivated me to keep going. I've cut out fast foods, sweet tea and I've started to drink lots of water and cook healthier. I already feel myself changing which really makes it easier to wake up every day and keep going.

I've started to do a good "deep cleaning" of the apartment before fall gets here and I'm getting rid of a bunch of clothes that I don't really need or wear anymore. It really does feel nice to organize, label and purge things, even if it's just a small amount of "stuff" to go through.

August also brought a different kind of heartache that I experienced after Ethan deployed. I've mentioned it before, and truly feel like I've said all I can say but the fact is that I still miss who I thought was a good friend. I'm not sure if it's normal, but I do this every time. Every time I have a friend "leave," it takes me weeks and weeks to get over it; honestly even after time, I never really do. The weekends are the absolute worst because I get on Facebook and Twitter and see where people are connecting with their friends or out with their significant others and it just hits me: I'm alone with my dog watching TV. But I look at this as a blessing, too. For some people, the week days drag and the weekends fly so I'd rather be miserable for two days instead of five at a time. I still hold out hope that I'll get a simple text or call or email but the more time that goes by the easier it is to understand that I've been forgotten.

Because Fall is my favorite season, I think it will be a tough one to get through without E. I love going to the mountains for day trips, haunted trails, pumpkin patches, chilly mornings, turning leaves and all the other fun things about Autumn. This year, I know it will be much different. There are so many things that are different about this fall from those in the past. Traditions that I loved won't commence, activities that I enjoy with my husband or in a group won't be the same solo. I'm sure there will be moments when I'll feel like I'm missing something and that the life is unkindly moving past me while I watch from the sidelines, but I pray I remember that I must get past this season to see the spring when I'll see my E again. Apple festivals, haunted trails, Shatley Springs, late night walks in the park, Oktoberfest, birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Black Friday... these things are things I loved in the past; these are things I looked forward to and got comfortable with because they just happened. But this year, they are all sad reminders of things that have passed or things that will come and go or things that I just can't have anymore; I can't have a romantic walk in the part without my love, of course.

But just as August has come and gone, fall will come and go. It might seem impossible at times, but it won't be. With God all things are possible and I will surely get through even my most favorite time of year.

September, please be kind.

Praying With My Husband

An unexpected call from my husband usually brings tears to my eyes in such a good way. Tonight, and it's rare that I hear from him at night because it's really his early early morning, it was a bit different.

He had just gotten back from somewhere, where he had been for some amount of time doing something. It was 3am his time so I was nervous when I answered the phone, subconsciously wondering what was making him call so early. He literally had just gotten back and wanted to call before going to bed because he said he promised me he would and didn't want me worrying for however many days it may be before he called again. I teared up a little bit realizing how much he still thought about me even during times when he's at his most exhausted.

And then it finally happened. We had unpleasant exchanging of words. We didn't fight, but it wasn't really pleasant talks. I asked him something and he got defensive. Then I got defensive. I stopped myself but it was too late - we had just had a disagreement or whatever you want to call it and I so desperately wanted to avoid that while he was gone. I didn't want to ever, ever be a reason why he was stressed out or upset and in that moment I felt like I had truly failed him.

I tried to bounce back but I knew he was tired. And I also knew I was emotionally drained. He had been out for hours and hours doing something and while it obviously isn't the same thing, I had been home for hours and hours, worrying and praying and trying to make myself stay sane.

I asked him what he needed again and told him I was sending him a pillow and a blanket because I wanted him to be comfortable. He said he wasn't uncomfortable and I then just said, "I don't know what to do to help you." He said I didn't need to do anything.

But the truth is, I do need to do something. I need to protect my husband. I need to provide comfort for him. I need to make this better.

So I told him to go get some sleep. But before that, I asked him if we could pray. And I did. I prayed for him and for his unit and in those thirty short seconds, the distance wasn't so far. The  miles weren't as stretched out and even though he wasn't in a good mood, I knew I was doing something that he could feel. I was giving him something that wasn't just what he needed, but was what we needed. I pray for him daily, and I know he prays too, but praying together is something I treasure in our marriage. It's something that brings us closer than anything we could ever do physically, and it's something that this deployment can't take away from us. Hearing him say, "amen" is something that I treasure. It's more important than, "I love you" or "I miss you." It's a reminder that our marriage is a cord of three strands. And a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

So while this seven minute phone call won't go down in history as the most pleasant, it will go down as one of the best. Not because he was happy, not because we were snippy, not because he was tired or irritated or sleepy, not because I was scared or nervous or feeling helpless...

...it will be remembered because we prayed. 

Door Knocks and Bent Metal

Last night, I had the scare of my life. Maybe it was the fact I had just watched a few episodes of Army Wives, or maybe I was just trying to process some of the details Ethan mentioned during his phone call that morning about his first mission... either way, I was especially on edge. I was eating dinner and watching TV and then, it happened. There was a steady knock at my door. My eyes flashed at the clock and I tried to process what time it was here, what time it was in Afghanistan and how late casualty notifcation took place. Wasn't it 7pm? Or did they notify until 9pm? Would they know I'm here, since I forgot to change my address? Had they notified someone else? How did it happen? Did it happen? My heart sunk and I opened the door to find my neighbor. He asked a question, I answered and I walked back in and I absolutely lost it. My sister had no clue why I was so upset, and how could I say it outloud? How easy is it to say that even though I'm strong most of the time, that a knock on my door brings me to my knees? How could she possibly understand that that sound, the sound of a fist on a door, has the potentional to destroy my whole world?

I couldn't possibly explain it, so I didn't. And I don't know if it was the massage I had that afternoon, the exhaustion of stress or God just giving me peace for the night but I slept well. This morning I woke up and forgot that I let someone borrow my car. I started my walk to work and realized that I didn't have to run a race. How often do I really get to enjoy a liesurely walk in the cool morning air? Wouldn't it be awesome if I used this time to talk to God, and to pray for my husband? So I did. I started off quite formally in my head but by the time I turned the corner to my office, I probably looked like a crazy person. I was rambing outloud, using my hands, gesturing to what appeared to be nothing. I laughed, I almost cried. It was awesome. And then I asked God to just remind us that He was in control. I asked God to remind me that during my day, I was serving Him and that Ethan was serving Him. I asked Him to show Himself to me in anyway He could so that I would always be reminded.

I took a few steps, looked up, and I saw this:

Seriously? Now I know it was there before I started praying. I know that this twisted piece of metal might have been passed by for weeks on my countless walks to work. But this morning, I saw it. Call me crazy, but it was no coinsidence.

I laughed and I realized how good God is. I then told Him that if He wanted to send me a phone call from E, that that would be good too.

I got to work and within minutes my phone was ringing. Can I just take a minute to say how awesome it feels to know that my husband and I have such a solid rock as our foundation for marriage? I've said this before and I was met with resistance and a bit of backlash but I still mean every word: I don't know how marriages thrive without Christ as their center and focus. How could any marriage truly be good without the one true Good thing about life? I could go on and on and on.

Ethan made me laugh today. He was funny and he sounded happier and he sounded like himself. We talked about life today and life when he comes home. It truly warmed my soul to feel so connected to someone by a simple, thirty minute phone conversation. I can feel his presence through these calls, through his prayers and through my own walks with God. I can feel our marriage becoming stronger, our relationship with Christ growing and our love for each other holding on in a way that only true love can.

I'm not saying this distance is easy. At the least, seeing him off in Texas was the very worst day of my life so far. But there is a but. But it isn't SO bad.

Here's to Christ reminding us of our walk, of our faith and of our love for each other.

I hate the weekends.

I wish I could say I was strong tonight but I feel so, so weak. I have no friends, my husband is gone and I've never let it get to me like it has tonight. This is the first time I've felt like I lost control of the entire situation and I've never been so alone. I am so scared because this the first time since E's been gone that I've had to actually be afraid. I know I can't post specifics because of OPSEC but I know what's he doing right now and I know he can't call and I know it isn't safe and I can't be sure what's going to happen. I'm just scared. I want this to be over so badly because he's all I have in this entire world and to be without it is something I can't handle.

I hate the weekends so much.

Josiah

The moment someone asks you how your husband is doing, and you realize that for them, everytime a soldier goes overseas, they relive their own loved one's deployment all over again.

Her brother was killed in action two years ago.

Josiah, your sacrifice hasn't been forgotten. From those who you knew you the best to those who never met you at all, there is a debt that can never be repaid to you that allows us to continue on. Thank you seems inadequate.

Scared.

I'm super scared at the moment, and I'm not even afraid to admit it.

When I took my job, I did it for several reasons. It was a great opportunity for my career, it will look awesome on my resume, I get to be an executive, I get a fancy office, people do what I say...okay, I'm kidding mostly. But in complete serious, there were three main reasons why I took it. The first was obvious: I needed a paycheck. The second was less obvious but equally as important: I love knowing that I'm making a difference. The third reason, well, is probably a poor reason but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't true: I couldn't wait to say I was an executive director at the age of 21. I wanted badly to sit back and know that after all I had been through, gone through, and worked for, I had managed to graduate college (a year early) and become an executive director within two months. It really sounds much too good to be true, right? Um, actually it's way to good to be true, someone come save me!

But as they say, I'm such a trooper. I'm making it work as absolutely best I can. The problem is, I'm so lost. I can handle about 50% of the work just fine, but the other 50% has me feeling like a dog chasing its tail. I'm trying really hard not to panic, but panicking is something I do really, really well. Am I allowed to complain for a quick second?

I wasn't trained for my job. That's my complaint. I was an administrative assistant for a few weeks, trained to be an Interim ED for 1.5 weeks, and then, I got the job. Not one hour of training has been given to me to do this job. And I've never done this job before. And I can tell that members of my board are a little less than pleased with some of the things I've done or not done. AND I don't blame them.

I mean, I should be selling tickets to the JK band's show in September. I've sold two. I don't know what to do, though. I've just never done this.

Le sigh.

So now, I'm meeting with the committee who hired me in about four hours for my evaluation. Most of my work has been good and I've even raised $3,500 in my short 30 day stint as ED, but I'm lacking in some areas something fierce. So I've decided to turn the tables and after my evaluation, I'm planning to let them know I've also been doing my own evaluation, in the most professional of ways. They need to know what my concerns are and what my hesitations are. They need to know what I've observed and why I'm freaking the hell out.

In the middle of writing this blog post, Ethan called. I cannot tell you how good it felt to talk to him about me. I know that sounds crazy, but for the past month I've made sure to only ask him how he is and let him tell me all about deployment. I always spend time being extra perky, trying to help him keep up his spirits and telling him a million times how much I love him. And I love doing that. I really do love hearing about his days and how he is, but this time I needed my husband to help me. And even though he's 3,000 miles away, he didn't disappoint me.

I don't think I can do this.
It's not a matter of you being able to do it, it's a matter of whether they'll let you do this.
But I'm so lost. I really can't do this job.
Yes, you can.

Is it crazy to me that just those four sentences out of our entire 12 minute conversation mean so, so much? A year ago, I would have been so angry with him for not listening to me. I just said I can't do this. Stop arguing with me! But now, I just trust him. I believe him. I know I can do this, it isn't a matter of my ability. But as they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

I can do my best to lead this organization, but I can't make it survive without it's own desire to do so.

Meeting in t-minus 2.5 hours. Let's do it.

Wake-up!

This morning I had the best wake-up call in the entire world.

Technically, I actually woke up to a text with this picture from Lukas:

Can someone please tell me after all this time how he knew that my room, at that exact moment, looked just like this:

It did make me laugh. ANYWAY.

About 45 minutes later, when I finally decided I could sleep for an hour longer before I had to get ready for work, my phone rang. My heart skipped beats. The six numbers flashing on my screen that would look so foreign to anyone else sent a wave of excitement that only the anticipation of talking to Ethan can bring. I wish I could articulate how special those phone calls are.

I never really understood what it meant to take things for granted until now. I've always been able to just call my husband, no matter what the reason is. Now, I find myself making little notes on a sticky note so that I don't forget to mention something when he calls. Whenever that may be.

E didn't sound himself this time, which was disheartening. I mean, his voice was normal but he just sounded down. I'm not saying that he should sound perky to be where he is, but it would make me feel better to know he's in better spirits. It's not all about me, obviously, but I can't help but worry harder when I know he's unhappy. I'm praying that when he gets to his FOB, he'll be able to have a more steady schedule and feel better about what's going on. I sent his first care package this past Saturday, so hopefully it won't be too much longer before he gets it and maybe that will help some.

But even when he sounds a bit down, there's nothing better than hearing him say, "I love you." Realizing that we're already three weeks into this deployment helps a bit, too. I've always been so aggrivated when he talks about what he wants to do when he comes home as far as work and school goes, because there's no need to worry about it but I think it's really an outlet for him. It gives him something to focus on and something to really work to come home to.

Thirty minutes passed way too quickley, and before I knew it, he was off the phone. I think that the hours immediately following a phone call are the absolute hardest to get through. I know that no matter how many times I look at my phone, there's a slim chance it will ring for the next few days. My mind creates a hundered worst-case scenarios before then, and the news will not take a few days off to spare my feelings the harsh reality of the war.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade hearing his voice for anything in this world, and I mean anything, but that doesn't always make it easier. It's an all around sucky situation that I just can't wait to be done with.

So now I've had my phone call for the next few days and it's on to waiting with bated breath for the next one. I never tire of hearing, "hey bug," as soon as I pick up the phone, knowing that for at least half an hour the world will be right.

Three weeks down, and (give or take a few) 33 more to go...