Scared.

I'm super scared at the moment, and I'm not even afraid to admit it.

When I took my job, I did it for several reasons. It was a great opportunity for my career, it will look awesome on my resume, I get to be an executive, I get a fancy office, people do what I say...okay, I'm kidding mostly. But in complete serious, there were three main reasons why I took it. The first was obvious: I needed a paycheck. The second was less obvious but equally as important: I love knowing that I'm making a difference. The third reason, well, is probably a poor reason but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't true: I couldn't wait to say I was an executive director at the age of 21. I wanted badly to sit back and know that after all I had been through, gone through, and worked for, I had managed to graduate college (a year early) and become an executive director within two months. It really sounds much too good to be true, right? Um, actually it's way to good to be true, someone come save me!

But as they say, I'm such a trooper. I'm making it work as absolutely best I can. The problem is, I'm so lost. I can handle about 50% of the work just fine, but the other 50% has me feeling like a dog chasing its tail. I'm trying really hard not to panic, but panicking is something I do really, really well. Am I allowed to complain for a quick second?

I wasn't trained for my job. That's my complaint. I was an administrative assistant for a few weeks, trained to be an Interim ED for 1.5 weeks, and then, I got the job. Not one hour of training has been given to me to do this job. And I've never done this job before. And I can tell that members of my board are a little less than pleased with some of the things I've done or not done. AND I don't blame them.

I mean, I should be selling tickets to the JK band's show in September. I've sold two. I don't know what to do, though. I've just never done this.

Le sigh.

So now, I'm meeting with the committee who hired me in about four hours for my evaluation. Most of my work has been good and I've even raised $3,500 in my short 30 day stint as ED, but I'm lacking in some areas something fierce. So I've decided to turn the tables and after my evaluation, I'm planning to let them know I've also been doing my own evaluation, in the most professional of ways. They need to know what my concerns are and what my hesitations are. They need to know what I've observed and why I'm freaking the hell out.

In the middle of writing this blog post, Ethan called. I cannot tell you how good it felt to talk to him about me. I know that sounds crazy, but for the past month I've made sure to only ask him how he is and let him tell me all about deployment. I always spend time being extra perky, trying to help him keep up his spirits and telling him a million times how much I love him. And I love doing that. I really do love hearing about his days and how he is, but this time I needed my husband to help me. And even though he's 3,000 miles away, he didn't disappoint me.

I don't think I can do this.
It's not a matter of you being able to do it, it's a matter of whether they'll let you do this.
But I'm so lost. I really can't do this job.
Yes, you can.

Is it crazy to me that just those four sentences out of our entire 12 minute conversation mean so, so much? A year ago, I would have been so angry with him for not listening to me. I just said I can't do this. Stop arguing with me! But now, I just trust him. I believe him. I know I can do this, it isn't a matter of my ability. But as they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

I can do my best to lead this organization, but I can't make it survive without it's own desire to do so.

Meeting in t-minus 2.5 hours. Let's do it.