This blog post is about...

Lukas Jackson Young.

It has his name in it AND his picture, right down there.

Relationship Socialist

Yesterday I was driving to school listening to Ace & TJ, hoping to be some what awake before class started. It was only 7:30ish and I didn't have high hopes, but I tuned in just to see what was going on. Shortly after I started listening, a man called in and began to talk about how both he and his wife had started a diet and exercise program together. He never mentions how overweight or unhealthy they were, but it seemed to imply that they were both pretty out of shape. Apparently, the wife stopped the exercising and dieting but the husband kept it up. He didn't pressure his wife to keep going, he didn't yell at her or become angry, he just kept doing it for himself. He remarked that he felt better, could play with his kids more and was happier over all. Unfortunately, the wife was bitter and began accusing the husband of working out for the wrong reasons; he was going to leave her, there was another woman, etc. The man said that he only wanted his wife happy so he didn't care if she worked out with him, he just wanted to be able to continue his new way of living in peace. But then, as he thought about it more, he said that he wasn't even sure his working out was worth it because it was causing so many problems in the relationship. And then TJ hit the nail on the head... now, I don't listen to ACE&TJ for my desire of philosophical conversation, but the man made a remarkable point: this man's wife was a relationship socialist. What, did he define, is a relationship socialist? It's someone who is in a relationship with another person (romantic, friendship, familial, etc.) and they have to constantly bring the other person down in order to build themselves up. They can't let another person be happy or make the most out of their life because they're too unhappy themselves. So, instead of bettering their own life, they tear down the other person and thus; they are a relationship socialist. Now, I've heard of this kind of person before but it really shocked me to hear it put like this. It's an epidemic, I believe, that's sweeping across relationships everywhere. I can almost attribute the demise of every bad relationship I've been a apart of to a relationship socialist. It's something to think about, no? I wonder if these Relationship Socialists realize who they are and what they're doing, because if they don't figure it out, they're destined to meet someone far worse than themselves and they'll end up learning the hard way what it's like to be on the opposite end of that spectrum.

Cosmopolitan.

I found this on Tumblr but there was really no proper citation. It isn't mine, though... but I think it's fascinating and accurately awesome.

Stuck Like Glue

When Ethan was at OSUT, there were days that I got really down. I wouldn't say that I was ever really depressed, and I was probably a bit more dramatic on the outside than I was on the inside, but there were nights that I simply had nothing else to do but cry. I had people telling me that I shouldn't be settling down so young and that I should be living the single life instead of falling (ha! as if I hadn't already) for a military man. People told me I was weak, and at times, I'd question my choices. And then he'd call or I would get a letter and everything was okay. While he was gone, this song came out and I fell in love. It seemed like a rather upbeat version of what our song would sound like if we had one. I'll never forget that I got a card from E on my birthday while he was gone, and I was so sad he wasn't here. I got in my car and this song came on and it just brightened my day. And then, when we picked him up the first time, we got in the car and again, this song was playing... today, we fought for the first time in awhile and we said things we didn't mean. I finally called him back and two minutes in, he made me laugh. It's so hard to stay mad at someone who you love so much. He really does make my heart beat.



Absolutely no one that knows me better;
No one that can make me feel so good.
How did we stay so long together?
When everybody, everybody said we never would.
And just when I, I start to think they're right
That love has died...

There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again.
There you go making me feel like a kid...
Won't you do it and do it one time?
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know, I'm never letting this go...

I'm stuck on you
Woah Woah
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue
Woah Woah
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue

Some days I don't feel like trying
Some days you know I wanna just give up
When it doesn't matter who's right, fight about it all night
Had enough
You give me that look
"I'm sorry baby let's make up"
You do that thing that makes me laugh
And just like that...

There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won't you do it and do it one time
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know I'm never letting this go...

I'm stuck on you
Woah Woah
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue
Woah Woah
Stuck like glue
You and me baby were stuck like glue

....

Valentine's Day

You know, I really love today. This is the fifth Valentine's Day Ethan and I have had the pleasure of spending together. I wish I could tell everyone how much I really love him, but the truth is really simple. There aren't enough cute pictures, fluffy poems or sickeningly sweet face book status' or tweets out there that could put into words how much I really love E. We've been through so much together in such a short time that I cannot wait to see where the future will take us. Last night he went home after we had spent the day together and he was showing his mom and a friend of hers what I had gotten him for Valentine's Day. They laughed and made comments about how it was so easy for us to be young and dumb when it came to love and that as we got older, we'd learn. He sounded so sad over the phone, and in the most humble voice said, "I'm not stupid, you know. I just love her." I started to cry because it wasn't him standing on a roof top, giving me diamonds or serenading me in song; it was a genuine proclamation that he indeed loves me, and that is all I really need.

In reality, today is no different than any other day of the year. My love will be greater tomorrow than it was today, and even more the next. We will exchange "I love you" texts and "just because I wanted to say hi" phone calls like always, and this beautiful bracelet he gave me (early) for this holiday will mean just as much next week as it does right now. But today is a good day to write something such as this, as a very small way of letting everyone know that I'm such a lucky girl.

Always Be Kind

Attractiveness, my ass.

Sometimes I worry that what I post here will be held against me by those who read it. But is that really fair? I'm a firm believer in three things when it comes to blogs: 1)If it's on the internet, then it's for everyone to see. 2)If you don't want someone to read something don't say it, and 3)Nothing you say on a blog should be held against you. But still I feel as though I should watch what I say, just in case. Fortunately for you, unfortunately for me, I don't really own a filter. So here goes. I was just on Formspring and I saw someone who was asked this question: "whats your favorite quality and feature of some1 you like?" Their answer? Attractiveness. And it saddens me so much. Why is it that we've allowed ourselves as a society to place so much emphasis on looks? And don't give me that bullshit about how "attractiveness could be personality" because if that's the case, we'd say our favorite quality was a good personality. It just breaks my heart. And it's not just this one person... it's so many people. A person is judged on how thin they are, how clear their skin is, how nice their hair is or how big their tits are. Do they have abs? Do they have a million dollar smile? Seriously? That isn't fair. I know so many girls and guys who are overlooked because they don't fit this model description. And it really and truly breaks my heart. I struggle with my own body image because of people like this. I was picked on as a kid and eventually developed an eating disorder because of it. It's hard not being a size two when you are constantly reminded by others that attractiveness is the most important quality to have. And here I am, five years after I thought I was done hating myself, realizing that in our society, attractiveness is still what I'm being judged on. What about intelligence, independence and the ability to love yourself? I wonder if that even exists anymore...I hope my children grow up in a world that will embrace them despite their flaws, and I hope more than anything that when they are old and gray and reflect on their favorite attribute of themselves and others, it is anything but their appearance that they proclaim.

Flattery.

"So, I keep bringing up in my head naming a girl Olivia Grace Moore
Because I love your name, and I have never met anyone named Olivia who wasn't worth naming my child after."

...these words turned a day of stress, anger and resentment into a moment of humble appreciation and love.

A Valentine's Day Rant (And a 'Fuck You' just for fun)

For about the 3908908458th time this month, I overheard someone talking about how "stupid" and "overrated" Valentine's Day is. So far I've been given reasons like, "It's a complete waste of money", "If you really love someone, it shouldn't only be shown on one day a year" and "It's just a superficial holiday". Let me just start off by saying that I don't give a fuck where the origin of Valentine's Day came from, I don't care how "stupid" you think it is and I really and truly am getting SICK and TIRED of your whiny ass BULLSHIT. Yes, It's irritating me THAT BADLY. There are two types of people who hate this holiday: single people and people who aren't good at romantic shit. And you know what? It's totally fine to be in either category. I have plenty of friends who are single and plenty who don't find romance at all in flowers or cards... but here's thing: how fucking dare you belittle something that obviously brings happiness to so many others? I love Valentine's Day. For me, it's not about "only" celebrating my love for someone one day out of the year, because I do it all the time. Ethan does too. I feel loved everyday that I'm with him and that's why we're still together. But let's just be honest... I love a dozen roses, I love a sappy card, and I love going out in public with my boyfriend and showing everyone how freaking lucky I am to have such an amazing person. I'm really sorry if that offends you. I'm also really sorry if you don't have that yourself, but pitying yourself and crying about how alone you are on Valentine's Day will a) never get you in a relationship and b) will bite you in the ass when you DO have someone to spend Valentine's Day with one day and I constantly remind you of how "superficial" the holiday really is.

And while I'm at it, I am SO FUCKING SICK of feeling like Ethan isn't good enough for certain people. I love him more than anyone on this planet. He's my rock. He is there for me when I have no one else to turn to and he never judges me, condemns me or makes me feel like what I have to say isn't important. He makes me happy and I feel like that should be enough. When I talk about my future with him and you roll your eyes or act like you don't care, all I want to do is punch you. If you're my friend or if you feel like we're close, then you should be HAPPY for me. You should share in my excitement and not make me feel like what I have to say isn't newsworthy. But guess what?! If Ethan isn't good enough, then I am not good enough because he is a part of me. He's a major part of my life and at this point, I no longer have time for people who don't see us as package deal. FUCK YOU IF YOU DON'T APPROVE. I don't need approval and I no longer want it! I'm happy! And I'm about to show everyone who doesn't seem to think that's most important that they are no longer important.



-end rant.

I'm Ok

Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Every time my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday

It's not so easy to forget
All the lines you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And every day I'm afraid to come home
In fear of what I might see there

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK
I'm OK
[Christina Aguilera]

I wonder if you remember...

...because ten years hasn't been long enough to get rid of every memory you gave me.

Lean not.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version, ©2010)

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

It's so refreshing to know that we don't have all the answers and we cannot truly understand [insert whatever it is you're trying to understand here]. I get caught up so easily; I stress, I worry, I freak the heck out. Last night I was spending time with E & Lukas and I didn't even realize how thoroughly anxious I was until someone pointed out I was in a bad mood. I really wasn't; I was completely stressed. It happened the night before that when I was driving to Winston-Salem. I hate driving at night on the interstate and I hate turning left. I literally stressed myself to the point where I wanted to cry. And these are two examples, just two out of millions. And I always always forget that it is not my own understandings of the world I should be leaning on. Things don't make sense to me, things don't seem to be the way they should. And yet, instead of turning to Him, I turn to myself and I try to lean. Have you ever tried to lean on yourself? Trying it physically puts it into perspective. If you stand up and attempt to shift your body back onto your body, two things happen: 1. You look ridiculous and 2. You will fall down. And the same thing will happen to us emotionally and spiritually. You will fall down into the pits of despair, worry, stress and sadness unless you allow yourself to lean on Christ. But why is it so hard to remember this when things seem good? Why does it take stumbling around like an idiot to realize we actually need Him to lean on? It seems quite silly, but it happens all too often...

Cheers to leaning.

Thanks

I have had a horrible week and it's only Wednesday (which also happens to be my least favorite day of the week). I come to the coffee shop on campus and I'm apparently looking a hot mess. I order my coffee and I start to pay and Jamie says, "Your coffee is on me today, Olivia :)" And immediately my heart sort of melts and my problems don't seem quite as problematic because in the middle of a day that seemed to have little sign of looking up, someone who barely knows me steps in and reminds me of God's grace, love and unexpected intervention. Sure, to you it might just be a guy giving away a free cup of coffee. To me, though, it was the beginning of the rest of my day... and this time, my day is good.



Thanks, Jamie <3

The Happiness Project

I found out about The Happiness Project through a blog I follow, Sandy Keys Photography. I don't personally know her but I went to school with her kids and I think her photography is beautiful. Ethan and I will probably use her services this spring when we finally have pictures taken. It's been almost four years and if I can't have a ring yet, I'm getting a damn 8x10. Anyway.

The official blog of the 2011 Happiness Project can be found Here. Basically, every month you set goals for yourself with the ultimate product of the completion of your goal being happiness.

So, better late than never, I'll begin.

My Happiness Project Goals for February?

1. Develop a real budget for 2011 and make a payment schedule to get out of debt by the end of 2012.

2. Find a way to work going to the gym into my schedule

3. De-clutter my room, car and other things that SHOULD be in either my room and car.

There. Simple. Three things. All three things will in the end lead to happiness... let's go!

Flapdoodle

I've been holding in this blog post for awhile. I didn't know it was going to be a blog post, but now I definitely realize that this is a perfect outlet to just vent. I'll preface this entire entry by saying that this specific post is not an accurate representation of what my blog is meant to be. Sometimes, however, a girlfriend needs to bitch.

I am not putting up with the flapdoodle anymore.
...okay. In an attempt to keep my blog classy, I went to an online thesaurus and tried to find a synonym for bullshit. Flapdoodle appeared. Much classier. Anyway.

For several months I've felt tension growing. I don't where it came from, or even why. It's happened with several relationships that I'm currently involved in and I just have to say one thing: I am sick of it. I haven't done anything wrong, ok? I'm a good person, a good student and a good friend. If you have a problem with something I've done or said, that's fine. We can fix it. Tell me what the issue is and we'll resolve it. But here's what isn't going to happen anymore: Olivia isn't going to continue to laugh at jokes that aren't funny, pretend her feelings aren't hurt when they are and keep her mouth shut when people who are supposed to be closest to her disappoint her the most. It is absolutely ridiculous. I wake up everyday and I am either ridiculed, made fun of or down right ignored because someone else either feels I deserve it or that I'll be okay because I can "handle" it and they need their "space".Here's the thing: I could handle it, but I refuse. I am not a freaking door mat. I am not the family member or friend that you can treat badly when you feel like it and then cry about not having the moment I try to walk away. I have been torn away from other friends, made sacrifices, watched myself get shoved to the side as soon as an old friend pops up. I have worried myself sick about people who could honestly not care any less about my own well being. I have wasted precious energy that I can never get back trying to talk sense into people who are simply not capable of processing logic. And it's ending. If you already know that I'm an emotional person, why would you not take that into consideration when speaking to me?

I find myself asking why other people are allowed to be honest and say hurtful things and I'm supposed to sit back and take it, but the minute I give it back I'm a bad person and you're upset? That isn't fair. If you can't take it yourself you shouldn't be serving it to other people. That's a lesson some people need to learn. Quickly.

I don't like who I become when I allow myself to be brought down by the words of other people. I'm bitchier and cattier and I find myself trying to say things that have the power to hurt others to the equivalent that they have hurt me and that just isn't fair. An eye for an eye makes the world blind. I don't want to evolve into the habits of others that I cannot stand. I don't want to feel badly for coming off so hateful when all I want to do is prove to others that they aren't the only people who can be rude and treat others badly. I want to set an example. I want to be more like Christ. I want let Him use me, my body, my mind and my mouth. How can I do that when I'm too busy trying to prove my own points? So this entry is my point. The only point that I feel really needs to be made right now.

If you find yourself reading this and rolling your eyes, here's a tip: delete this URL out of your browser and let me know that it symbolizes the deletion of our relationship.

If you find yourself not having anything better to do than make fun of myself and my beliefs, save your breath for someone else who cares because this entry is to let you know that I'm not up for verbal abuse anymore.

If you find yourself screaming at me for things that happened three years ago, save your breath for someone else who cares.

If you find yourself getting angry about what I'm writing, ask yourself why it's hitting so close to home.

If you're so vain that you think this post is about you, it just might be.

If you're worried that this is about you, ask yourself what you have to be worried about.

Look at your life, people. Look at your choices! Words hurt. Actions hurt. The absence of either has the potential to be catastrophic. Think before you speak. Reassess why you're speaking. Is it because you genuinely care about what you're saying? Or is it because you know what you're saying will have an impact on me, positively or negatively and you get a kick out of seeing what comes next?

-end rant.

For the Love of Blogs

I'm a certified creeper of blogs. I love them. I think it probably stems from my love of people. I know, I know... if you're fortunate enough to really know much about me, you probably don't think I love people. I have a really short attention span, an even shorter amount of patience and the public has a tendency to, as a whole, piss me off. But regardless of all that my statement remains true: I really love people. I love talking to them, bouncing ideas off of them, watching them, learning more about them and existing with them. So perhaps my love of blogs is mirror of my love for people. The sociology behind the creation of a blog is so interesting to me. Why do people do it? They do it to share and to explore, to voice and to be heard. There's a freedom in the writing that you can't find anywhere else. You're putting into words the thoughts of your head, the emotions of your heart and everything in between. And you're sharing it. Not only do I find that beautiful, but I also find it intriguing and mysterious. So in creating this blog (which is one of many that I've had throughout the years), I am creating a window into my mind and my soul. I invite you to look inside it... that's why it's here.

Take a good look.

...because this door mat is the only thing that's getting walked over from now on.