Awards & All Nighters

Well, E left very early this morning for AT. He's actually helping with load out until Friday with his unit before heading to Ft. Pickett for almost a month. His 3 a.m. wake-up call came way too soon, and apparently I was less than thrilled to help him finish packing. While I don't exactly remember all of what happened, E has since told me that when asked what I was going to do while he got his stuff together I would, "guard the bed." What an awesome wife I am. I think it was supet sweet that he let me sleep while he got his stuff ready, and I'm glad I was only half-awake to tell him goodbye. If I would have been fully conscious, I would have been a crying mess.

After I finally made my way out of bed, I worked before going to L-R's awards ceremony. This was the first time I had been invited to the ceremony and was too excited to know I was getting an award. My mom came and suffering through the rather long and monotonous ceremony, but I walked away with two recognitions that made my day. The first was a Jefferson Cup award for outstanding contribution to The Rhynean, and the second was the Journalism Award. It's no secret that journalism isn't my favorite part of my degree, but I can't hide that it makes me super happy to be recognized for it. 

Tonight I'm slowly marking things off of my final "to-do" list and it's making me quite sad. I'm just not used to this feeling of finality yet... I think it'll take me awhile to truly absorb what it all means. One of the things I'm doing is putting together my portfolio, or rather putting the finishing touches on it. It's so crazy to see what I've done over the course of my major and where I ended up with my work. 

Here's to another all nighter...

Almost There...

For the last week I've learned just what the chaos that is senior year really boils down to once you reach the end. I don't know why I thought it would be easier, but I was so wrong. I've pulled all-nighters, typed papers until my words run together and relied on prayer to get my through the long days of exam preparation. To add to that crazy, I pulled double duty on house sitting. It probably wasn't the best idea, but we made some extra cash that really helped us out. I spent the week watching Toast:

And Buck & Tanner, who gave Mariska Roo a very warm welcome

The weekend held much more excitement, as we had a Yellow Ribbon event to attend. This event is designed to help the families of deploying soldiers learn more about the process and what can be done on the homefront while the soldier prepares and eventually heads out.

On Friday we left out early so we could stop by Ft. Bragg before heading to the Yellow Ribbon event in Laurinburg. We've been trying to schedule a time to get my registration done for DEERS since we got married, and of course we waited until the weekend before AT to get it done. When we left the office, I walked away as an official dependent of E and with a brand new military identification card in my wallet. I have to say, I feel pretty awesome having it. It might seem dumb, but it's a small reminder that I'm (sort of) a part of something so much bigger than I could imagine.

We left the DEERS office and booked it to a Holiday Inn where the Yellow Ribbon event was held. We arrived at 4:45, and we didn't get our hotel room for another three hours. Of course, it wouldn't be the Army if something actually happened on time. Hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait...

We spent the night in a nice hotel room and Saturday was spent being briefed on everything I'm allowed to know about the deployment. We also learned about benefits for E (and me!) when he comes homes. We waked away with a TON of information that I'll be sifting through for the next few days, or perhaps after graduation.

And today, Sunday, is our catch-up day. The first part of it was spent with family, seeing his mom's side and my dad's side. Now it's our first day in a week that we're back in our room; I would be happy, but it's a bittersweet time. As I sit and write this, E is packing for AT. Usually AT wouldn't bother me but this time it's different. I know that the uniforms, equipment and Army mentality won't be unpacked when he comes home at the end of May. It'll be a short, 10 day reunion before he's off again. And then, it's just a two-hour long ceremony and a final kiss goodbye standing between deployment and us. The bed that's covered with ACUs will soon be empty, leaving room for two but only one occupant and a dog.

I'm trying to stay rather strong because I don't want to make harder on E, either. But damn, it's hard. It's hard because you don't want to be that girl. But sometimes I am, and it's tough to try and hide it. E leaves for AT tomorrow morning at 4 a.m. and I just wish I knew how to stop time. I would if I could, but I know it just isn't possible. Oh, the days coming are going to be long, long days.

No blog post would be complete with cute pictures of Roo.

 

Two Years Later

I was going back and reading through my blog, and two years ago to this day I wrote this prayer:

"God,I cannot deal with this alone. I need Your help. I need you to take Ethan under your wing and walk with him as he embarks on this journey. Lord,take me and guide me down the path that You, not I, have chosen. I pray that you watch over us and let us know that Your wishes are being carried out. Lord, please protect Ethan and every man or woman entering the military and those who already have made a commitment to their country. Bring peace and comfort to their families and friends, and Lord, thank you for never failing to change my plans. Amen."


My God is a good God. How awesome is it that this was written for something different, and yet applies completely to this very day? 


Amen. 

Perfect Day

It's a sleepy Saturday morning. I'm already dressed, ready to go and E is still snuggled in bed with Mariska snoring at his feet. It's a beautiful day. We're heading out to the hardware store and a few furniture places to get an idea of what we want in our home (house, apartment, whatever it may be) so that I can get things rolling after deployment. It's a day with plans but few real plans. Breakfast, shopping, driving, talking, spending time. It's perfect, really. It makes me forget all the bad things in life like war, fights, and even the petty things like turning the TV up too loud when it's time for bed. It makes me bask in the wonder of this thing called marriage that I thought I understood but quickly realized it was nothing like I thought. God has a way of making perfect days everyday but I never really stop to think about them... and then I do. Then I stop and realize that today is perfect.  I am alive. I have the entire day to do anything. It's a blessing.

I am not deserving.
I will waste it anyway.
I will not completely understand how to appreciate it.
I will take it for granted.




And He gives it to me anyway.


Thank you God for giving me this day. This beautiful, perfect day. Thank You for giving me my husband to share it with. Before we were born, You saw this day and You knew that it would be good and You knew that we wouldn't completely understand it, but the day was given anyway and I am grateful.  Thank You for bringing my husband and I together as one person and allowing us to experience life, day-to-perfect-day, hand in hand, even if we may end up a world apart. Amen.

Happy Birthday, E

Twenty-one years ago yesterday, God brought the most amazing man into this world. I give him a hard time, we fight like we've been married for thirty years and we love like we've still got nothing to lose. We spend so much time together, but it's never enough. We've both taken such different roads in life, but somehow, they've aligned so perfectly to form this absolutely, amazing path that was meant for just the two of us to follow. He's the foundation of my sanity and the calm when I'm chaotic. He keeps me in line when I'm gettin' my diva on just a little too hard. He talks back. He reminds me that I am not as tough as I think I am, but stronger than I could imagine. He works hard for us and makes sacrifices that I'm not sure I'd be willing to make. He's handsome, strong, passionate and funny. He's a child of my God and he serves Him, leading our marriage and never going to sleep angry. He's shown me what a best friend is, reminding me that he is enough. He's a soldier. He's a learner. He's my husband.

Happy Birthday, E.

Goodbye, Zander's

I was in the eighth grade in 2005 when I started working at Zander's Coffeehouse. I can remember my first few days there like it was just a week ago. A 14 year old me walked in, unsure of what it meant to even have a job. I washed dishes on my first night and oddly, I didn't hate it. I had this excitement then that something wonderful was happening and that I should embrace it. At 14 years old, I had no idea what that job would turn into. When I started, minimum wage was $5.15 and for a long time, I didn't make a penny more. I worked just a few hours a week, blowing each paycheck as they came in. I had no concept of saving money or investing. I wish I could say I'd go back and change that, but I wouldn't. I had really cool stuff when I was 14.

When most kids would work odd jobs throughout high school, I never found the right time to leave my own. I stayed loyal to that place for seven years, and it broke my heart on Monday, April 2 2012, to close up one last night. As I swept the floors, tears starting running down my face as I stopped and looked around. The lights were off, the music had stopped and the doors had been locked. I had closed so slowly. It was around 10:00pm, awhile after I should have been on my way home but I couldn't bring myself to let it go. So many memories came flooding in as I realized it was over. My shift had already ended, I was just putting off the inevitable moment of leaving.

The walls were a different color now, the ownership changed and most of the employees different. But oddly, so many things were the same. The smell of the coffee, the tip jar I made when I was in high school, the dip in the uneven floors. 

If the walls of Zander's could talk, they would truly tell the story of my childhood. I went through all of my high school and college career within those walls; they saw my tears, friendships, relationships, meltdowns, triumphs and so much more. I was sitting in the chairs that still remain in the sitting area when I found out I would have a little sister in 2006. I went on my first date with Ethan in 2005, and it started with a cup of coffee before heading over to the State Cinema. In 2007, I had my first dating experience with someone way too old for me, but of course, I met him through Zander's. And I met so, so many people that I grew to care about, even looked forward to seeing.

I learned so much about life in that place, and it broke my heart to leave. But it was so, so overdue. Working somehwere when you're 14 isn't hard, but it's hard for others to see you as anything but that 14 year old, even when  you're almost out of college. It was time for me to leave and I put it off for as long as I possible could. As I turned the key one last time, I locked the door to part of my childhood. It was almost ceremonious. It was a rite of passage that many take years prior to their college days; quitting your first job is like breaking up with your first boyfriend. I guess I'mr really no good at normal. I married my first real boyfriend... I stayed at my first job for seven years.

Goodbye, Zanders. There will be so much of you that I will miss. The customers, the familiarity, the child you watched grow.

Thanks for everything.

The 180 Degree Turn I Did Not Make

Yesterday, I drove by Lukas' house on the way to see family for Easter. In my head, I planned out this entire 180 degree turn in the middle of Davis Road. I so badly wanted to knock on the door and fix things. Not with this naivety that things would go back to being exactly how they were, but with this desire to make things not as bad as they were when things sort of just flat-out ended. I cannot think of one other person on this Earth that I have had a falling out with like that, where at least sometime later down the road things were patched up, or even reversed.

E's cousin asked me where he was, since it was a holiday and he usually came with me to that specific house. I told her we weren't really talking anymore and tried to drop it. And then she cornered me, wanting me know exactly why. I tried to tell her but it sounded silly. There really isn't a decent reason. Maybe time has made me forget exactly how deep the words cut, but I look back and just sigh.

E and I talk about having kids often. I pray that their friendships are cherished and that they do not make the same mistakes we have made. I pray that they will hug often, love without ceasing and always pinky-promise and keep it (unless they need to tell their momma, in which case pinky-promises ALWAYS have an un-spoken stipulation to tell mom). I so badly want them to feel connected to other people and know what it means to trust. I want them to make up secret hand shakes and beg me to spend the night at their friend's house (who has way cooler toys than we do, duh.)

I want them to grow up and convince me to let them stay at the movies alone while I creep five rows behind them without ever being discovered in my disguise. And when they are older, I want them to understand the meaning of the words best friend. Sometimes many people will deserve that title, and some times only one. I want them to cherish it and I want them to remember how to pinky-promise even when they're "grown up" because they will always be valid.

But most importantly, I never want them to be afraid to make a 180 degree turn in the road and fix things. It's totally okay to do that. I didn't. I should have.