Late Night Musing

Today is just one of those "blah" days. I should be super excited because my workload decreased overnight, my husband is off at work and I've got the couch to just me and the dogs, watching TV and winding down before bed. But, I am not excited at all. I'm jittery, like if I were to have had too much caffeine but I'm not super awake. I'm definitely sleepy. I'm nervous. Each day that passes is another day closer to deployment. Another day closer to the danger and the fear and the worry and the stress. Another day closer to the leaving and the goodbyes and the see you soon's. I go through phases of excitement for his experience, not worrying at all and then back to being scared to death. The other day, we were at the movies and we were watching 21 Jump Street - very funny movie - and we're holding hands and I just start to cry a LOT. Your mind just starts racing with "what if this is one of the last movies we watch before he leaves?" and God forbid it ever be the last one period... it just happens. It's something I haven't found that many people understand or know how to relate to. It bothers me a lot... being off a post is hard because the support of a military system isn't really there. Even people who have friends that serve don't really get it. And yeah, there ARE times I just feel kind of sorry for myself and my marriage and I don't even care right now.

So much has happened in the past few months, especially weeks... I'm so disappointed and hurt in some places, and in other's I'm doing so well. I have never wanted to fast forward through a year and half so badly. It's nights like tonight when it's getting late and I can't just call E (even though he's just at work) that I realize what I'm up against in the next few months. I wish I could freeze time and just hang in my moments with him.

My now ex-best friend has completely blocked me out of every aspect of his life, making amending any situation hopeless. I have to admit, I went out with a wine-induced bang. I didn't have much to lose though. I wish I were less apathetic about it. I miss who he was about a year ago but he's just really not the same anymore... it made me sad to see him turn out so oddly, sort of being who he was senior year of high school. We both changed but I tried so hard to make things just be normal. He cost me so many other friendships along the way and it just makes me so mad to think about. Ugh. I guess when you're at the stage of life he's in, nothing matters. You have no clue what life is really like, your biggest concern is your grades and it's just easy to throw people to the side that gave a damn about you. I grew up so much faster and the real world welcomed me gracefully leaving him behind in this awkward childhood/adulthood/notknowingwherelifeisgoinghood. I could have used a movie night this past week. I miss his family a lot, which is weird. Maybe not since I'm like an emotional time bomb right now and will probably remain this way until Ethan leaves and returns.

The weirdest thing is that I don't even cry much anymore about anything, other than my little episode in the movie theater. I used to cry all the time and now I sort of just feel numb. A few months ago, I would have been crying every night about E leaving. I would have sobbed on the way to Boone trying to fix a friendship. I would have bawled my eyes out at the stress of trying to graduate. Now? Eh. It's all just a big freaking pile of whatever. No tears, no sessions of sulking... just a constant state of numb. It's weird. I don't think this is what depression is like because I still laugh and enjoy life. But it's like I have this fog around me that's thin enough where I still enjoy things and still feel pain, but it's thick enough that nothing is too extreme. It's just this grey state of blah.

And I miss my Mamaw Jean SO bad tonight. Her name did bring a tear to my eye...

A new diet and other random things.

Even though Ethan and I had a really good time on vacation, we managed to have a few serious discussions along the way that really have made an impact on the way we're handling our marriage. The biggest issue we both have is the way we maintain our health and our eating habits. We can't keep using excuses, but I do feel like it's a little harder for us both right now to get on a good schedule that works with our lifestyle. Between our living situation, having an oven that is currently out of commission, being on opposite work schedules and my being gone a lot, it's hard for us to balance a fast-paced lifestyle with healthy, good-for-you food. Unfortunately, our bodies don't seem to be buying our "reasons" for not treating them well, and as our months of marriage continue to increase, our waistline also seems to expand a bit. It's no secret that I have been a yo-yo dieter for about seven years now. I can lose weight quickly, and I can gain it back faster. I love to work out, but I hate starting the process. I know how to cook healthy foods, but I enjoy the ease of running to the nearest fast-food place for a savory something that fits with my on-the-go life. But all of that just has to stop. Ethan wants to lose about twenty pounds before he leaves for Afghanistan, and I consider it a personal responsibility as his wife to help him do that. If losing twenty pounds can help at all be safe over there, then losing twenty pounds is what he'll do. I, on the other hand, have way more than twenty pounds to lose. But it can be done! One of my resolutions for 2012 was to lose weight and eat better so I guess now is as good of a time as any to start that right up.

I've been following another blogger as she journeys on a mission to get healthy, not diet. Her name is Sandy Keys and you can find her blog here: It's Time To Get Healthy! She's figuring out how to integrate a more holistic approach to eating and living by weaning off of processed foods. How cool is that? E and I also want to try to eat less processed foods and focus on a more well-rounded diet that we can maintain for years to come.

For me personally, I'm very excited about bringing some big changes to my diet that will result in not only weight loss, but my feeling better. For a couple of years, I've noticed that not only am I extremely out of shape, but my immune system isn't as strong as it should be at 21 years old. I get very tired all the time and I could probably sleep for days and never feel like I've rested enough.

We've already made some small changes to our new diet, but it will be a slow process that won't be well under way until E has left for deployment. We're starting now, but we hope that by the time he comes home, I will have established a very healthy routine that he can fall into. For now, we're using up what we've got and being more selective when grocery shopping for new things.

Another exciting part of my new diet is introducing red meat back into my life. For five years I managed to stay away from it's deliciousness, but depriving myself of it is pretty much over now. While many people actually give up red meat when they go on a diet, I'm doing the opposite because I do realize that there are some benefits to eating it. I won't eat it every day, every week or maybe ever two weeks, but I will slowly start eating more of it. I think I have an iron deficiency, but I can't be sure. I haven't gone to the doctor or anything, but I can't imagine I'm good in that department because I don't eat any iron-rich foods on even a monthly basis.

I'm also starting to take a multi-vitamin and I'm contemplating trying out acupuncture. I'm trying to convince the hubs to do that and Zumba with me... we'll see how it goes! I think I'm also going to start vlogging soon. I've been saying for awhile that I want to do that but I really mean it this time. I love watching YouTube videos so we'll see if mine can compete with the masses :)

Until next time...

Gatlinburg 2012

This past week was such an amazing time! E and I took the past four days during my spring break to get away for awhile, for the first time since we've been married. It was so overdue and and much needed. We ventured to Gatlinburg, TN and stayed at the Bearskin Lodge and spent the entire time doing whatever we wanted. We made few plans, took lots of naps and got to know each other even better than we already did. Pictures speak louder than all the words to describe our trip... so here are our favorites from our trip!

We started off our trip at the hotel...


...where we ended up sitting by the fire, talking until late at night:


We went to the Ripley's Aquarium where we saw sharks, crabs and of course... PENGUINS!


We played in the store




And I stuffed a penguin to take home and put right next to Herbert, the very first member of my penguin collection :)


We ate at lots of different restaurants, like Johnny Rockets


Bubba Gump Shirmp Co.


And our new favorite place that we can only afford to go once in a blue moon, The Melting Pot.


E experienced his first fondue meal and I relived childhood memories that I still hold dear... except this time with a glass of wine.


We also visited Dick's Last Resort... we love a good laugh and the food isn't terrible.






We played mini golf, rode go-carts and spent hours just walking the streets, watching people and enjoying each other's time








We stumbled upon Tennessee's first legal moonshine distillery, Ole Smokey Moonshine, where we sat outside and watched a fantastic bluegrass band not once but three or four times during our stay.




Neither of us had ever had Baskin Robin's before, so we both had our first, second and third experience of their 31 flavor delicousness


E convinced me to ride the Ober Gatlinburg Aerial Tramway that took us on a 2.1 mile ride up a mountain, and then managed to get me on the Gatlinburg Sky Lift, which brought us to the top of Crockett Mountain, 1,800 feet closer to Heaven.




I conquered (sort of) my fear of heights and wobbly things, and we saw breathtaking views that truly made me stop and just think about how awesome our God is.






We took a beautiful drive through the Smokey Mountains to get to and from Gatlinburg, and we stopped along the way to once again admire creation. We were in awe of the majestic grandeur of the mountains and kept commenting on how small the Blue Ridge seemed now.








We left Gatlinburg with so many good memories. During our stay, we made time to simply talk to each other and value quality over quantity. At first, we tried to do so much in one day- packing in attractions, dinner, walks and talks...and then we realized that we didn't want to spend our vacation rushing around and packing things in. We slept in late, took our time, crossed only a few things off of our "to-do" list and basked in the fact that we had only ourselves to answer to. No work, no internships, no classes... just four days of us being us.








When I got home, it hit me that I had just experienced by last spring break of college. In just a few short weeks, I'll be graduating from L-R, walking across the stage from my education and stepping into the real world. I thought about my peers and how many of them spent their own spring break...by comparison, mine was so mild. Calm, relaxing, and sober... and my GOD I couldn't have asked for a better week. How blessed am I that I got to spend such an awesome few days with my best friend, soul mate and husband?

Blah.

Today is just blah. I've procrastinated cleaning all day and Ethan is supposed to be home in an hour. I've slept, taken Mariska Roo for her first walk on a leash, watched movies, gone to see Mak G, and done everything else possible to keep myself busy. But now it's 8pm and I have not done anything REALLY productive. I still need to make reservations for tomorrow. Today is Lukas' birthday and it's the first day that I was truly reminded that we're not really best friends anymore. It sucked really bad and I'd like for E to get home and cheer me up. Also, I died my hair last night and didn't wear gloves so I look like i've been planting flowers all day. OR for 100 years. I need a drink.

Risky Roo Is NOT Impressed.

Today, Mariska Roo is not pleased with her momma. Her injury from last weekend wasn't healing as well as I would have liked so yesterday, we made a trip to Startown Veterinary Hospital to see our favorite Vet, Matt Pennell. I'm pretty sure Dr. Pennell is tired of seeing my face in there, but with four dogs who can't manage to stay out of the way of bees, stay inside their carriers OR refrain from having false pregnancies, the task of staying away has been a rather difficult one.

During our most recent visit, Dr. Pennell recommended that we drain her wound, and stitch her up. STITCH. HER. UP. My poor baby girl. Then, Dr. Pennell said that we would have to keep her from licking her leg. I look at Mariska and it's like she understood, too. This was the conversation in the office:

Dr.P: We're going to have to keep her from licking the area we're treating.
Me: Oh, no... THE CONE?!
Dr.P: The cone.
Me: But for how long?
Dr.P: Ten days.
Me: I've got to keep a four month old, wants-to-play-all-day-puppy in a cone? For TEN days?
Dr.P: Yes... good luck!

Riska Roo just looked at me and I could tell she was far from impressed.


So this morning, while I was at work, my mom took her to see Dr. Pennell so she could have the procedure done. They told me she was going to be out of it during the process, but not completely knocked out. Instead of injecting her with anything, they gave her something similar to the "laughing gas" the dentist uses. I'm actually relieved I didn't have to take her myself... it broke my heart knowing what they were going to have to do.

On another note, I'm in the middle of an AWESOME investigative story for The Rhynean. I've been told not to talk about it - so I won't - but it's been really fun. It isn't on the most interesting topic, or perhaps something that will interest everyone, but it's been a great experience in journalism that I haven't been able to get out of a text book or a lecture.

Oh! And I'm officially on spring break! How exciting! It's my last spring break of college and I must report that I'm not going to the beach to get wasted or act a damn fool. E and I are using my only break before his deployment to get away for a few consecutive days. This is the first vacation we've taken since we've been married and it is so long overdue. I was supposed to make our reservations already, and I think since we're two days from leaving I should probably get on that.

This afternoon will be spent cleaning, packing, and grocery-store running. Tomorrow will be spent going to church, starting a new series on Netflix - I'm thinking Weeds - and waiting for the hubs to come home.

<3

Here's a rare occurrence at my house... all four fur-babies cuddled on the same couch :) Brings a smile to my soul!

Hey, Lukas. And maybe you, too.

You always told me that if I ever wanted to have a blog post directed at you, to just say it to your face and not hide anything about it "subliminally." Since we aren't really on speaking terms anymore, I thought it would be appropriate to do just what you have said. When you read this: get rid of my sarcastic voice in your head because I KNOW that's what you're reverting to. I know you well. Replace it with a light, conversational tone that is both excited and serious, passionate and concerned.

For the past week, I have gotten rid of so much negativity, you not included. I say not, because I don't feel like you just "get rid of" your friends. Unfortunately, we haven't talked in that time so I don't hold it against you to not know what I'm talking about... we're both so busy these days. Earlier today I overheard two girls talking about their "spring break" - a break in which they're going to skip their own classes to attend so that they can "party like adults." I believe they even used the term, "licensed to skank" which I referenced in my tweet that you thought was towards you I guess. It was this tweet that made me realize you had taken it awfully personally:

"Cannot wait to spend my #springbreak acting like a skank and drinking until I forget my name. #whatareyougonnadoaboutit"

So I thought I would answer your question... um, nothing. I'm not going to do anything about it except what I do about every OTHER thing that bothers me - blog. Considering you are in a relationship, I would hope that you would refrain from "acting like a skank"... I don't think anyone would really appreciate that. But, I am not privy to how you maintain said relationship so I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you're just saying that to get a reaction, etc. Also, if you want to "drink until you forget your name" that is most certainly your prerogative. I would probably suggest you stop yourself at some point because hangovers are just no fun, but I can't blame you for wanting to have a good time. You work hard, you deserve it and you'll be of legal age to obtain the booze. The girls I mentioned, however, aren't. Maybe it's my watching WAY too many episodes of SVU, or just my paying attention to the local news, but I also know that while spring break can be fun it can be awfully dangerous. So be careful, ok?

You didn't mention anything about the third part of my tweet, which was taking responsibility in raising CHD stock. CHD is the symbol for Church & DeWight Company, and they own Trojan Condoms. If, by the off chance you DO decide to act like a skank, I retract my statement and suggest that you DO take that responsibility. Take some BFE advice because it's better safe than sorry!

As for tonight, you received some news that is going to change the course of your life drastically from what it was prior to today. And I am SO excited for you. I can remember when I was dead set on being an education major and actually wanted to teach. Then I remember the complete breakdown I had where I changed to communication. Now granted, our situations are different, but the adventure is not. You may find a solution to the problem and stay on track...or you may, too, have to do a 180. Either way, you are extremely smart and have the potential to follow any dream you've got. I am so proud of how far you have come... I mean, do you remember senior year?! It's like a completely different person wakes up every day and goes to class.

Religiously, I often felt too embarrassed to "witness" to you or to talk about Jesus and God. Mainly, I was afraid that you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore if I tried talking to you about it. Now though, it seems I haven't much to lose so I figure this is as good of time as any to tell you that God has this amazing plan for you. Thousands of years ago, Christ died so that you may have eternal life. And before your death, it is your responsibility - not to succeed for yourself - but to act as a vessel that lets Him work through you. Whether that means saving lives as a nurse, delivering weather reports or anything else... the course of action you take on Earth is designed by a higher power that is using you in AMAZING WAYS. No matter what you decide, you will be impacting and helping and truly making a difference. I encourage you to pray about it. Even if you don't know what you believe, someone is listening.

That being said, I can tell that this isn't like a little argument that is going to blow over. It's been going on for months now and it's finally time to put to rest. It may be best for you to unfollow me on Twitter so you don't think I'm talking about you or "at" you. I'll take care of FB... I don't have time to do that these days and I don't have anything at all against you or the life you live. I don't want to confuse you. If anything, I'm so excited for and proud of you. I drove by Texas Roadhouse the other day and I thought it was so crazyyyy how much has changed in a couple years. Life is so funny :)

I miss hanging out with you and playing you in WWF. If you ever want to chill when you're back home, you have my number :)

Until next time...

A Picture Perfect Start to March!

I feel like if I honestly had the time, I would write in this blog for hours today. So much is going on! It feels like my mind is being pulled into a million directions lately and I am so in love with that. For awhile I've been in this monotonous rut of doing the same things, day in and day out. Now, it feels like there might be a huge shake up in my every day life. I am so excited about it... I wish I could talk about it right now. But, I have to resist the urge and just play a waiting game. While I've already built up this huge opportunity in my head, I'm trying to remain calm. Things might not work out, things may stay the same, but I have got to trust that God is bringing me to a new beginning and that's enough to put me in such a good mood. March is starting off completely stellar, quite actually... and it's only the fourth! I don't think I've ever had such an eventful beginning to a new month before.

On Friday March 2nd, Ethan and I took of early in the morning for Greensboro, NC to attend the NC DECA Career Development Conference. About four years ago, I stood on the stage as the Blue Ridge Region Vice President. While at the time I didn't particularly appreciate or care for the role, looking back, it taught me so much. I was exposed to a completely different way of thinking and I truly appreciate the leadership position that I was elected into. It doesn't seem like it's already been four years, but it was time for me to give back just a little. We spent our morning judging the role play competitions and it was so much fun! Here's my handsome husband getting his judge on:



We got back from Greensboro super earlier than we planned, so around 3:30 that afternoon, we crawled in bed and literally slept the day away. I don't remember the last day I got to do that. No alarm clock, brand new black-out curtains and a cuddly puppy at my feet? Hello, best sleep ever! I think we woke up sometime in the middle of the night to eat "dinner" before falling back asleep.

Since we were SO geared up for adventure, Saturday did NOT disappoint. After returning home from seeing Tyler Perry's Good Deeds, we found little Mariska in quite the predicament. Although Ethan and I clearly stated that she shouldn't be put in the dog crate (because she always escapes and never chews anything up... what a good puppy, right?), someone DID put her in there. And when we returned, we found that she had tried to escape through the bars but didn't quite make it... she had gotten all of her body out but her leg was stuck. She managed to drag a rather large crate around the room, and injured her leg pretty badly:


Just looking at that picture makes me want to cry. Baby girl was such a trooper, though. We made our way to get robbed - mean, the Emergency Vet - and $130 later, Mariska Roo had pain medicine, antibiotics and a heart-breaking wimper. I don't think she liked the Vet very much...



But not to fear! She seems much better now. The whining has stopped and the swelling has gone down tremendously. We had to decline an xray at the ER because it was just too expensive... luckily nothing seems broken and she's on her way to a full recovery! She's not gaining weight very fast, so we started her on a new puppy diet that is sure to make her look a little more healthy in the next few weeks.

Today, though, has been my favorite day fo March so far. For two reasons. The first being that I finally organized my make-up! It went from this:


To this!!:


It's the little things in life that make me happy, really. But it's the big things, too. Like my big sister's baptism.


For years I have prayed for the salvation of my sister. I've had others pray for her, I've tried to witness myself, and I have hoped with all my might that she would come to know Jesus in a way that I knew would save her from an eternity that was less than desirable. Not embarrassed by her faith, but uncomfortable with attention, it was awhile before I found out she had been saved. But when I DID find out, nothing could have made me any more proud. And tonight, seeing her deliver her testimony in front of her church and watching her public display of rebirth... well, it left me speechless and in tears. I love her so much and I'm so proud of her. It warms my soul to know she made the best decision ever... accepting Christ as her savior!

I can only hope that the rest of March is as good as the beginning... and I have this awesome little feeling that it will be! I leave this night with one special image that Ethan captured earlier today... Mariska Roo taking a nap on my head, while I take a nap. How much cuter does it get?!