Most people would tell me that writing you a letter would be futile; what good will it actually do? But I know more about you than most may seem and I know that you understand the art of writing. I remember when I was a little kid, you would write and write and write, and then mostly throw it away. I believe I inherited your ability to write and so, you more than anyone else, will understand why you’re receiving this letter instead of a phone call.
And besides, how can you get into an argument with a piece of paper? I don’t want what I say to be used in a fight; rather, I want it to evoke thought. At most, it will probably anger you and give you another reason to be mad. Unfortunately, I am all too used to that and therefore, having nothing to fear or dread. The only thing I will have to worry about is wondering, in the future, “what if?”
In order to prevent that, I’m writing this to you, sending it and will remain satisfied that I did my best. I will never have to think about what might have happened had I told you what was in my heart and on my mind.
For years I have struggled with decisions that you have made. And by years, I mean almost a decade. You have, from the outside looking in, watched me grow from a little girl to a young woman. And by watching me grow, I sincerely mean that you have observed me age. I wish, whole heartedly, that I could say that you have been a large part of my life, or that I owe so much of who I am to you, but would either of us be able to honestly say that? I write this not to hurt your feelings or to make you mad, but rather to give you insight as to why our relationship is not ideal.
I cannot remember, in the past eight years, a time where you were 100% invested in my life to the point that I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you’d be there if I needed you; even if it were just a phone call in the middle of the day to say, “I love you.” I promise you that I have spent many nights and many days recounting the past few years and, alas, I cannot make myself remember something that did not occur. Now, I’m not trying to say that you weren’t there at all. I remember weekends; Sundays and phone conversations as well as holidays and birthdays. But dad, those are just segments of life that were organized by other people. By lawyers, calendars and deliveries. When was the last time that you called me and asked me to lunch? Wanted me to come over for dinner?
If you find yourself disagreeing, or find yourself saying that you have done the best you can, I would beg you to ask yourself a few questions. What’s my major? What is my minor? How long have Ethan and I been together? Or perhaps even simpler, what is my favorite color, my favorite book? You might laugh or think that it’s trivial, but can you answer most of these? I wouldn’t think so – but I hope with all that I have inside me that you could prove me wrong.
Perhaps one of the biggest turning points for me was this past December. After I came over on Christmas Eve, you didn’t try to talk to me for months. Not once did I get a phone call or a text message. Please, don’t try and say that “Well, you didn’t try to talk to me either.” You are my father. You are responsible for making sure that, as your daughter, I am aware that you are there for me, love me and care about us. You have not owned up to that responsibility.
There are times that I think back to when I was very young – you were my entire world. I sometimes watch how you interact with Makala and it literally brightens up my entire day because it takes me back to a time when I was she. You were flawless in my eyes. When I was her age, I thought that you were perfect.
I could say many things right now that would be hurtful but that does not mean that it would be right. I will only say that, in your heart, you are aware of the years of mistakes and wrong turns that you made and perhaps still continue to make. You are aware of the images I have in my head of the horrific fighting, sometimes rather violent, and the vulgar language, angry public scenes and the flares of tantrums that left me crying myself to sleep night after night. Did you know, that for a very long time, I was afraid of you? You might have realized but it never changed much if you did.
Some of my most vivid memories of you contain scenes that I pray my own children never see from their father. Your temper is so bad sometimes that I often wonder if you truly realize how mean you can really be.
What you probably don’t know, though, is that I have long since forgiven you.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
I hope that you find comfort in knowing that, for everything that has happened in the past, I do forgive you. For everything that you will do in the future, I will again forgive you.
But unfortunately, it has been hard for me to forget the past, especially when I am given constant reminders in the present of things that have never changed.
Father’s Day this year was one of the most defining moments for me… I came over, gave you a card and planned to just spend the afternoon with you. Unfortunately, you had no interest in spending the day with your daughters. You slept. You said you didn’t feel well, and I hate that for you, but instead of trying to make the best of it – you slept. And of course you found a way to call me out. After Candace and Makala both played a game on Candace’s phone, of course I was the one to be called down for being “annoying.” Why am I even surprised by that?
Instead of spending a day with my dad, I spent the day with my sisters. But that time to me is precious, too, so I can’t say that I minded. Makala seemed more than glad that I was there. It was a welcome change to what I had experienced with you.
I wish I could tell you how much it hurts me when I see my friends with their fathers. I was at a friend’s house not long ago and I was getting some advice on what to do about something wrong with my car and they asked me a question about my oil getting changed and I said, “I just checked it a week ago, it’s okay for now.” They laughed and made a joke about me checking my own oil. “You mean your dad doesn’t check up on you?”
I laughed it off. I said that I know how to do it myself. I DO know how to check it myself, and I do it all the time. But inside it makes me so sad… no, my dad doesn’t check up on me.
And then there was a few weeks ago when we ran into you at BoJangles… we tried to make small conversation but you were more interested in reading your paper than talking to me, your daughter. The daughter you hardly ever see. You always talk about how I never come over, but, the only times you have ever come to see me have been a few Saturdays with Makala. When was the last time you said to yourself, “You know what? I haven’t seen Olivia in awhile and I miss her. I think I’m going to call her and meet her – just to catch up.”
Some days I think about times I’ve tried to talk to you about Ethan. I’ve mentioned marrying him but you always seem to think that’s a bad idea; why would I want to marry him? Maybe you just still see me as the eight year old in a softball uniform, or if you go even farther back, the first grader who was going to marry Michael Gillespie. I must tell you that I have stumbled upon one of the most amazing young men that I believe I could have ever found. I say that I stumbled, but what I really mean is that God placed a great man in my life.
I’m in a relationship that is long-term now, going on four years. I’m with a man who was supposed to replace you as the leading man in my life, but he has instead become the leading man that I have always needed. Eventually, I’ll be engaged; soon after that, I’ll be married. I am eager to get to have the family that I always wanted growing up, but this time, I’ll be the wife and I know that Ethan won’t be going anywhere. Eventually I’ve have kids and I’ll watch them grow; I’ll be apart of their growth, God willing.
I have thought about my wedding since I was a little girl. I’m a traditionalist when it comes to weddings… I’ll have something borrowed, something new, and something old, something blue… I’ll be wearing white because I made a promise to God that I’d remain pure until my wedding day and faithfully, I have. A father usually walks his daughter down the aisle, as a symbol of giving her away. But would you really be giving me away, or simply walking? As a liberal, I have a problem with the idea of someone “giving” me away as it is… I am no one’s property. I do not need to be “handed” off to a man, as I am fully capable of handing myself over. And even then, I am not giving myself to anyone. I am sharing myself.
In my head, I walk myself down the aisle. It scares me sometimes because who wants to walk down the aisle alone? At times I’ve toyed with the idea of having someone on my grandmother’s side walk me down as sort of a tribute to the Wilkinson’s since so many of them have passed recently, but mostly, I just think about walking alone. It also scares me because I’m afraid you’ll get mad and refuse to come to the wedding all-together.
That would hurt me just as bad as you not making much effort over the past few years. I want you there to see me start my new life, a new life that hopefully you will be apart of more than what has happened now. I pray that I can give you a grandson and that he will have a grandfather to look up to, that he will see you as the flawless man of my own childhood. In my heart I don’t believe you would ever not come, but I do believe you would get angry instead of trying to understand.
I’m terrified you’d try to keep Makala from coming. She’s such a blessing… when I found out about Jennifer being pregnant, I remember excitement but no anticipation could have prepared me for what I was in store for; a beautiful little lady who lights up my world by calling me “Ollie”. I can’t wait to see her in a cute little dress, throwing flowers everywhere. She’s looking forward to it; I’ve already promised her the job is hers. If for some reason you wouldn’t let her come, I simply wouldn’t have a flower girl. There would be no replacement for my little sister. I’m afraid that you’ll forget that it’s my day, that you’ll forget the years of hurt and sadness and feel entitled to walking me when in reality, you have not wanted to walk me anywhere else these past few years.
I wonder if you’ll read this and get mad at me, if you’ll reach out to me and try to make things better before then, or before it’s too late. I wonder if you’ll continue to ignore me or if you’ll be sad that this is how things have wound up.
I’ve spent a lot of time in church this past year; a lot of time praying for you and for my relationship with you. I’ve asked God to take away all the anger and hurt that’s been left over and most of it is gone… but there are still times when weeks pass and you haven’t called that I remember you aren’t really worried about me anymore. That part is the saddest to me.
I hope you don’t take this letter and see it as an attack against you; I am the most calm and resolved that I have been in years. I’m not the angry teenager that resents you for the past anymore, I’m not the bitter child who’s dad wasn’t at the cheerleading competition and I did not turn into the adult who carried a grudge into her twenties. I’m simply writing what’s on my heart. I wonder what we could accomplish if you did the same, instead of throwing this away, staying the same.
More than anything else that this letter describes, you should know that if I did not love you, it wouldn’t have been written. Why would I waste my time typing a four-page letter to someone who I don’t love, care about even? Well the answer is simple: I wouldn’t have done it.
I cried on the way home after Father’s day. I even mentioned to Jennifer that I was really upset by what happened. And she suggested I talk to you. So I will take her advice and put it all out on the line, because you deserve my honesty and time as much as I deserve yours.
The optimist in me hopes that this could be a new beginning. The realist in me fears you’ll pick it apart, finding the parts you don’t like and blowing up in rage. The temperamental side of me is ready for an argument while the passive side hopes maybe it will be lost in the mail. The nervous side wants to know your thoughts. But perhaps most important, the daughter part of me, the part that should mean the most to you, just wants you to tell me that it’ll be okay.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Glorious
Someone sang this at my aunt's funeral. They were so good... everyone was singing with him. It was southern Southern Baptist church... usually shouts of "Amen" and similar expressions are quite uncomfortable for me to witness, coming from a Lutheran background. But somehow, it was comforting and moving.
So Hard To Say Goodbye
The receiving Thursday night was so interesting. It was the first time that Ethan got to meet that side of my family and I was excited for him. I've spent almost four years having his large, tightly knit family flaunted in front of my face so I was more than ready to show him mine. Not show mine OFF, because I won't lie, it isn't much, but I wanted him to see that this is where I came from; this was the village that raised me as a little kid.
To say that my family is a little "back woods" is an understatement. I'm pretty sure Ethan entered into a bit of a culture shock. This is sort of how the conversation went...
Ethan: "You're related to ALL of these people?"
Me: "Well, not ALL of them. Lois' family is here, too... but we've always sort of thought of them as family."
Ethan: "When you said, "think Deliverance", I thought you were joking..."
Me: "No, no... I was being nice."
We made our way through the line, and most everyone was sitting down. I was most excited to introduce him to Dan, but before we got up there I pointed everyone out. They're all my cousins. Ethan was so funny...
Ethan: "Wait, why do you keep calling them your cousins?"
Me: "Because that's what they are?"
Ethan: "They're old enough to be your grandparents!"
Me: "Well, they're my 2nd and 3rd cousins. I don't have any first cousins."
Ethan: "Wow."
He's so used to having all these young cousins, these teenagers and little ones running around.
We got up to Dan, and I introduced them. He tried to stand up but I just told him he was fine. I hugged him and he whispered, "If he ever gives you any trouble, you just call me, ok?"... it's the little things like that that melt my heart; that make me dislike my dad even more.
We left the recieving before Junior showed up. Junior is Dan's oldest son, he's also a criminal. He hadn't seen Dan in probably 20 years. They said it was awkward and that he was drunk. Cool.
I didn't think I'd go to the funeral the next day, but I did.
I don't do well at funerals. Even if I have no idea who the person was, I always cry. In this case, I didn't know her well. I remember her, but I didn't truly know her.
The service was exactly what she would have wanted. The preacher spent 20937450923845 minutes talking about how horrible Hell was, how good Heaven is and how everyone needs to be saved. The importance of accepting Christ. The importance of knowing that the only way to the Kingdom is through Him. For me, it was a bit much for a funeral...I expected them to honor her more, to speak more of her. And then I quickly realized that this was not your typical woman. She would never have deemed herself worthy of honor or praise; she owed everything in this life to God and she would have been disappointed with a service that gave any glory to anyone other than her Lord.
I didn't think I'd go to the burial, but we did.
It was so beautiful. There were few words, but everyone sung her favorite Hymn, Amazing Grace. She would have liked that.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you never quite said "hello" to. The preacher said something during the funeral that never left me... he talked about how she held the family together, how she did so much and never expected anything in return. He asked what the family intended to do... disappoint her? Let things fall apart? Or would everyone step up, reconnect and take pride in her legacy? How appropriate.
Here's to making her proud; to not letting her life-long service be in vain.
To say that my family is a little "back woods" is an understatement. I'm pretty sure Ethan entered into a bit of a culture shock. This is sort of how the conversation went...
Ethan: "You're related to ALL of these people?"
Me: "Well, not ALL of them. Lois' family is here, too... but we've always sort of thought of them as family."
Ethan: "When you said, "think Deliverance", I thought you were joking..."
Me: "No, no... I was being nice."
We made our way through the line, and most everyone was sitting down. I was most excited to introduce him to Dan, but before we got up there I pointed everyone out. They're all my cousins. Ethan was so funny...
Ethan: "Wait, why do you keep calling them your cousins?"
Me: "Because that's what they are?"
Ethan: "They're old enough to be your grandparents!"
Me: "Well, they're my 2nd and 3rd cousins. I don't have any first cousins."
Ethan: "Wow."
He's so used to having all these young cousins, these teenagers and little ones running around.
We got up to Dan, and I introduced them. He tried to stand up but I just told him he was fine. I hugged him and he whispered, "If he ever gives you any trouble, you just call me, ok?"... it's the little things like that that melt my heart; that make me dislike my dad even more.
We left the recieving before Junior showed up. Junior is Dan's oldest son, he's also a criminal. He hadn't seen Dan in probably 20 years. They said it was awkward and that he was drunk. Cool.
I didn't think I'd go to the funeral the next day, but I did.
I don't do well at funerals. Even if I have no idea who the person was, I always cry. In this case, I didn't know her well. I remember her, but I didn't truly know her.
The service was exactly what she would have wanted. The preacher spent 20937450923845 minutes talking about how horrible Hell was, how good Heaven is and how everyone needs to be saved. The importance of accepting Christ. The importance of knowing that the only way to the Kingdom is through Him. For me, it was a bit much for a funeral...I expected them to honor her more, to speak more of her. And then I quickly realized that this was not your typical woman. She would never have deemed herself worthy of honor or praise; she owed everything in this life to God and she would have been disappointed with a service that gave any glory to anyone other than her Lord.
I didn't think I'd go to the burial, but we did.
It was so beautiful. There were few words, but everyone sung her favorite Hymn, Amazing Grace. She would have liked that.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you never quite said "hello" to. The preacher said something during the funeral that never left me... he talked about how she held the family together, how she did so much and never expected anything in return. He asked what the family intended to do... disappoint her? Let things fall apart? Or would everyone step up, reconnect and take pride in her legacy? How appropriate.
Here's to making her proud; to not letting her life-long service be in vain.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Dan.
Several days ago I got a phone call from my mom that my Aunt Lois had fallen and that things weren't looking good for her. To be honest, she's my Great Aunt. But I rarely use the term "great" when it comes to my aunts and uncles because my dad is is an only child and my mom's brother died when he was 16.
I'll be honest again by saying that I didn't really know her that well. My grandmother (maternally) was one of six, and they all lived locally. Lois was her brother's wife. He died before I was born but she was such an important part of our family that she never remarried, kept the Wilkinson name and lived really close to most of the family.
I remember the last time I really spent time with her was several Thanksgivings ago when my mom and I, and Dale, went to her house. Ever since my grandmother died, the Wilkinsons just don't get together. Mom and I were sort of left out of a lot, and there's a famous Wilkinson Grudge that everyone talks about all the time... it refers to the fact that at any given time, someone is holding a grudge against someone and they haven't spoken for, on average, five to ten years. My grandmother was like the damn Grand Marshall of the Grudge Parade. Honest to God.
Anyway.
After that, I remember that she sent me a cross necklace when I graduated from high school. That about sums up her entire life. She lived to die, she lived to meet Jesus. Everything she did, she did for the sake of Christ. I've been told that the only fight that anyone can remember her getting into was with my great grandmother, when they were talking about my mom getting baptized. My great grandmother was a Methodist, Lois a Southern Baptist. Lois insisted my mom be baptized by submersion because that was the only "real" way to be baptized. Even her arguments were for the sake of God.
So mom and I talked about whether or not we were going to go see her and to be frank about it, I just didn't want to. I knew it was bad, I knew she wasn't going to make it and, selfishly, the process of death reminds me so much of my grandmother that I didn't think I could take it.
After being at Baptist for awhile on life support, they made the decision to take her off because she had a living will. She didn't want to live like that. Unfortunately, and I say this respectfully, she survived after being taken off of the life support. Instead of coming out of a coma and healing, she was in so much pain that when they tried to stop the morphine, they said you could see the veins in her head throbbing from the pain. Still in a coma, they got her comfortable and prepared to move her to Hospice on Robinson Road.
We got the call Monday night that if anyone wanted to come see her, we needed to go immediately. Again, I wasn't going to go. Mom had finally made the decision to go to support her family. I was proud of her. She didn't want to go for the same reasons I didn't want to go, but she said that this time, it was her cousin's mother dying and that they were there for her, so it was her responsibility to do the same. I think my grandmother would be proud of that.
She called me on the way there and I could tell she was crying but I still didn't want to go.I stayed at work. I got another phone call about 8:30 and this time, she sounded a little different. Everyone was asking for me.
The family that was there is, in essence, the most closely knit part of the Wilkinson family that's left. They haven't made much contact with us over the years but were by far the most important to me growing up. When my grandmother was alive, and her sister (my Aunt Jo), the family was together ALL the time. But once they both passed, we all went our separate ways. I contemplated going. I contemplated not going. I talk a lot about the fact that I don't have a big family because even though I do have many second and third cousins a few great aunts and uncles, we just aren't close anymore. I doubted that they remembered me at all. Intrigued that people were asking for me, I called Kate and told her I had to leave.
I got there and I was immediately overcome with emotion. Walking through the halls I felt the presence of death but I also felt the presence of God. Surely I shouldn't have been so naive as to think that in a building devoted entirely to the comfort of those about to pass away that there wouldn't be an immensely strong presence of the love and peace of Christ, but I always amaze myself at my own doubt and I welcomed the familiar feeling of spirituality and comfort. Thoughts of my grandmother flashed through my head as I passed beds filled with older women, but I reminded myself that I was not here to throw a pity party, I was here to see family. Thinking that thought alone was awkward and would take getting used to.
Mom met me in the hallway and it was here that I found out my cousin Dan was here. I could have froze. Dan is probably in his sixties and, for the last ten years, has cut off most communication with the family. Dan is Aunt Lois' son, so I shouldn't have assumed he wouldn't come, but he didn't even show up for my grandmother's funeral and they were really, really close.
Dan was always my absolute favorite. I called him my Uncle but he's really my second cousin. When I was little, I would get so excited for him to come over. It was no secret that he adored me as little girl. He was always over at our house and I have vague snapshots in my head of him holding me and walking me around. My favorite picture from my childhood is of him holding me, letting me drink out of his cup. I was a baby in the picture, but I remember him doing that when I was older, too.
We met my cousins Myra and her daughter Megan first. It had been awhile and we made small talk. Usually you say, "Hey! How are you?" when you first meet someone that you haven't seen in awhile, but I already knew how she was. I just tried to smile.
We walked to the dining room and everyone sort of stopped talking. "Is THAT Claudette's daughter?She looks just like a Wilkinson!"Oh gosh. They did, indeed, remember me. I hugged my cousins, met people who knew me but that I didn't recognize and laughed every time they called my mom Claudette. That's her middle name, the name she went by as a kid. Only the Wilkinsons call her that. It felt familiar and familial.
Last, but not least, I saw Dan. His face lit up and he came to embrace me. He just looked at me and asked me how I was, we talked. He looked much older than I remembered, but the same. His hug felt right and I felt like, for the firs time in a long time, as I stood in a room full of people, that I was standing in a room full of family.
We stayed talking for awhile but then we went to leave. We left the dining room because by this time, most everyone had migrated to Lois' room. We went to the door and sadly, it was open. I saw her for the last time. I didn't recognize her.
I thought to myself as I watched a group of young girls, similarly dressed, that it was nice to have a choir singing to her. I then realized it was almost 10 at night. This was no choir. This was her legacy. Her grandchildren, children, nieces and friends were filling her room with Hymns, prayerful song. Even in her final hours, she was surrounded by what she most held dear. She would have been proud to see that her family, the once she raised, kept their faith and kept by her side. She truly was a woman of God and it was so apparent.
I went through this night and I hadn't cried.
Dan came out of the room and we were telling him goodbye. I went to hug him but this time, he didn't let go. He just held me tight. A few moments later he said, "I love you so much." I thought this was a good time to break away. I didn't want to look him the eye, but he didn't let go. He just pulled back and stared right at me. "I'm so proud of you," he said. I lost it. I saw him with tears in his eyes and I lost it.
I got in my car and I was just overwhelmed. I thought back to how I had just seen my dad the day before, how in a year I've maybe seen him ten times. It had been ten years since I had seen Dan. And yet, in an hour, he made me believe that he loved me. He made me believe that he was proud of me and that was more than I ever could have asked for. I realized in that moment that having him say he was proud of me was one of the most amazing gifts.
We got a call about an hour after we left that she died. I tried to be sadder, but how can I be so sad? Without a doubt, she with Jesus. How much more comfort should we really need? My heart aches for my family that was so close to her. I dread the receiving, I dread the funeral but I look forward to family.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Life Keeps Happening
When I was little, one of my favorite shows was Saved By The Bell. I say when I was little because that's when I actually got to watch it. Truth be told, if I could watch it everyday I would. I remember that it used to come on TBS (I believe that was channel 37 then) at 7:00am every morning and I'd rush to get ready for school so I could watch an episode before going to the bus stop. I was slightly obsessed with Zach. What girl wasn't?
When Zach was in a bind, or when things were happening too fast and he needed to collect himself, he would call time. The room would freeze and if it was as if time was standing still, waiting for him to figure out his plan and what he would say next. He'd say the magic words and the world would once again commence spinning. I wish I could do this some days. Alas, life keeps happening despite my plea for it to just wait a minute for me to catch up, to get ahead.
I'm internally conflicted right now. Usually, I'm either really happy or really sad... in a non-bipolar kind of way. It's just that I am acutely aware of my self and how I feel, so I generally express it very willingly. But right now I am caught in this odd middle ground that I do NOT like at all.
There's one side of me that is truly ecstatic. My hours were finally set in stone at work today (I think) and I'm not going to have to adjust my budget. And speaking of my budget, it has been SO successful so far! Granted, it's only been two weeks but I've stuck to it like it's Gospel and it's paid off for sure. I've only spent about $86 outside of my budget, and $33 of that was for a doctor bill that I had to pay. Other than that I've needed some extra gas, a light bulb for my car and I've gone out once with my mom and E. It's actually really nice being on such a tight budget. Before, I always knew when I had bills coming up but I never really predicted anything too far in advance. And it's a really good thing that I have... after August, I'll really have to start making sure I'm saving everything I've set aside to save because there are several weeks where my paycheck won't cover all my bills like it usually does now. August 12-October 14 will be the tightest I've ever really had to keep my money but it'll be worth it when I pay my car off FIVE months early :D I'm super stoked because after this Friday I'll have all the money I feel like I need for New Orleans, not counting extra spending money and money for things like clothes before I leave. That makes me really happy because I know how important this trip is for Ethan, and for me, really. Another good thing that's happening is that because I have less funds for doing things like going out to eat or going to the movies or driving to Lincolnton during the week, I've spent more time doing things for myself. I've been to the gym more and eating better and I'm already noticing a difference in how my clothes fit. I haven't lost much weight but I can tell I'm about to start seeing a bigger difference on the scale. Another reason that I can go to the gym more is because I'm only doing my internship on Tuesday now AND I'm FINALLY working some mornings at Zander's!!! I'm also getting a day OFF on Friday which will be lovely. As a matter of fact, this whole weekend will be lovely! Thursday I'm working a morning shift (love!)and then I'm going to workout and go to a new class at the gym. Ethan is also off Thursday so we're going to our first small group meeting and then he's staying with me at my house-sitting job. Friday is officially "Do Nothing" day for us in terms of things we "have" to do, with the exception of me feeding dogs at another house that afternoon. We'll probably sleep in a little and then I'm going to try and talk E into take me to the mall at 10 for Sephora's grand opening. The first 50 people get a gift card, and there's a $100 gift card lurking around out there. Perhaps I won't get it, but who knows? After that, we plan on doing a whole lot of nothing besides staying by the pool and grilling out later... it'll be a very chill day and I'm excited to just relax for awhile. On Saturday, I'm off work so I'll probably squeeze in an early workout but I'm house-sitting a total of four houses that day. I'll spend most of my day driving from house to house, praying I don't forget anyone.
Honestly, after typing all about the things that have made me happy, the things that have made me kinda sad don't seem SO bad. Well, yes they do...my car is mechanically fine but cosmetically not so good. In fact, after my wreck, the damage is over $3,000 which means my car will be totaled if I claim it on my insurance. Unfortunately, I owe too much on my car for me to be profitable form getting a check, so I'll have to live with all the damage. Unfortunately again, I can't pass inspection until I get my windshield repaired and headlight replaced. Unfortunately again, my tags ran out in May. Money is really not there for me to get all of that done, but God will provide. I'm also struggling with a few people who are in my life that I'm not sure what to do with. God has them here for a reason and I know in time that reason will be revealed, but for now, it's surely a struggle not to say "goodbye!" and mean it.
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6
When Zach was in a bind, or when things were happening too fast and he needed to collect himself, he would call time. The room would freeze and if it was as if time was standing still, waiting for him to figure out his plan and what he would say next. He'd say the magic words and the world would once again commence spinning. I wish I could do this some days. Alas, life keeps happening despite my plea for it to just wait a minute for me to catch up, to get ahead.
I'm internally conflicted right now. Usually, I'm either really happy or really sad... in a non-bipolar kind of way. It's just that I am acutely aware of my self and how I feel, so I generally express it very willingly. But right now I am caught in this odd middle ground that I do NOT like at all.
There's one side of me that is truly ecstatic. My hours were finally set in stone at work today (I think) and I'm not going to have to adjust my budget. And speaking of my budget, it has been SO successful so far! Granted, it's only been two weeks but I've stuck to it like it's Gospel and it's paid off for sure. I've only spent about $86 outside of my budget, and $33 of that was for a doctor bill that I had to pay. Other than that I've needed some extra gas, a light bulb for my car and I've gone out once with my mom and E. It's actually really nice being on such a tight budget. Before, I always knew when I had bills coming up but I never really predicted anything too far in advance. And it's a really good thing that I have... after August, I'll really have to start making sure I'm saving everything I've set aside to save because there are several weeks where my paycheck won't cover all my bills like it usually does now. August 12-October 14 will be the tightest I've ever really had to keep my money but it'll be worth it when I pay my car off FIVE months early :D I'm super stoked because after this Friday I'll have all the money I feel like I need for New Orleans, not counting extra spending money and money for things like clothes before I leave. That makes me really happy because I know how important this trip is for Ethan, and for me, really. Another good thing that's happening is that because I have less funds for doing things like going out to eat or going to the movies or driving to Lincolnton during the week, I've spent more time doing things for myself. I've been to the gym more and eating better and I'm already noticing a difference in how my clothes fit. I haven't lost much weight but I can tell I'm about to start seeing a bigger difference on the scale. Another reason that I can go to the gym more is because I'm only doing my internship on Tuesday now AND I'm FINALLY working some mornings at Zander's!!! I'm also getting a day OFF on Friday which will be lovely. As a matter of fact, this whole weekend will be lovely! Thursday I'm working a morning shift (love!)and then I'm going to workout and go to a new class at the gym. Ethan is also off Thursday so we're going to our first small group meeting and then he's staying with me at my house-sitting job. Friday is officially "Do Nothing" day for us in terms of things we "have" to do, with the exception of me feeding dogs at another house that afternoon. We'll probably sleep in a little and then I'm going to try and talk E into take me to the mall at 10 for Sephora's grand opening. The first 50 people get a gift card, and there's a $100 gift card lurking around out there. Perhaps I won't get it, but who knows? After that, we plan on doing a whole lot of nothing besides staying by the pool and grilling out later... it'll be a very chill day and I'm excited to just relax for awhile. On Saturday, I'm off work so I'll probably squeeze in an early workout but I'm house-sitting a total of four houses that day. I'll spend most of my day driving from house to house, praying I don't forget anyone.
Honestly, after typing all about the things that have made me happy, the things that have made me kinda sad don't seem SO bad. Well, yes they do...my car is mechanically fine but cosmetically not so good. In fact, after my wreck, the damage is over $3,000 which means my car will be totaled if I claim it on my insurance. Unfortunately, I owe too much on my car for me to be profitable form getting a check, so I'll have to live with all the damage. Unfortunately again, I can't pass inspection until I get my windshield repaired and headlight replaced. Unfortunately again, my tags ran out in May. Money is really not there for me to get all of that done, but God will provide. I'm also struggling with a few people who are in my life that I'm not sure what to do with. God has them here for a reason and I know in time that reason will be revealed, but for now, it's surely a struggle not to say "goodbye!" and mean it.
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6
Thursday, June 9, 2011
OH MY GOSH.
Okay.
In writing my last blog post I just got this random thought in my head. I don't know. Because it sort of kind of but not really relates to what I was talking about but when Tiffany and I were in Kindergarten, we were like, 6 year old whores in the making. I don't know what was wrong with us. We never thought boys were gross and we would constantly, in our free time, talk about boys and how much we loved them and hot they were. Yes, at 6 years old we would talk about how hot other 6 year olds were. I miss those time so much. I miss having her as a friend but I love having all these memories.
ANYWAY.
Tiffany was like, obsessed beyond belief with this kid named Denny and I, without a shadow of a doubt, was going to marry and have the children of Michael. For real. Like, this was not your average crush. I was literally obsessed. And it was actually kind of cool because growing up, we were all sort always in the same class and we were just all bestfriends and he knew I wanted to marry him and eventually it was just a fact. In my 4th grade year book, his bestfriend wrote, "good luck with u and michaels relationship." BAHAHA. WTF? What relationship? See? I even had OTHER people convinced we were going to make it.
Anyway.
When we were in 5th grade we found out that he was moving to freaking New Hampshire. Who moves to NH?! What is even IN New Hampshire?! I was so sad. I think I cried myself to sleep for a month. I literally had a crush on him for SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE.
It was actually so funny because at my 8th grade graduation, a mom of one of the kids that I grew up with that was in our little circle back in the day came up to me and she said, "You know what? Seeing you up there just made me think of Michael because you were so in love with that kid. You ever talk to him?" Yeah, I go big or go home.
Fast forward into high school and I looked him up and added him on face book. Oh dear. Let me just say that he lost me at the words "fucked up liberals". Oh, Michael. You had such potential. He was actually quite rude to me because after apparently stalking my face book upon his friend confirmation, he was most displeased at my (then much more dramatic) political stance. Whatever, "Mike". Yes, they referred to him as "Mike" up north. What a douche. Also, he resembles Justin Bieber more closely than some lesbians do. I can't make this stuff up.
He really did just turn into a complete asshole. I stalked him for probably a good hour and it was like looking at someone I never met. Had he stayed in good old North Carolina, I probably would have grown to hate him. Although I do know who he is now, I'm glad I only really know the old Michael and not the new "Mike" who has had one too many sips of haterade. I suppose it's best sometimes to part ways before you're forced to mourn the loss of someone you love and then be introduced to the "new but not so improved" them. Life is so funny.
I miss being a little kid sometimes.
In writing my last blog post I just got this random thought in my head. I don't know. Because it sort of kind of but not really relates to what I was talking about but when Tiffany and I were in Kindergarten, we were like, 6 year old whores in the making. I don't know what was wrong with us. We never thought boys were gross and we would constantly, in our free time, talk about boys and how much we loved them and hot they were. Yes, at 6 years old we would talk about how hot other 6 year olds were. I miss those time so much. I miss having her as a friend but I love having all these memories.
ANYWAY.
Tiffany was like, obsessed beyond belief with this kid named Denny and I, without a shadow of a doubt, was going to marry and have the children of Michael. For real. Like, this was not your average crush. I was literally obsessed. And it was actually kind of cool because growing up, we were all sort always in the same class and we were just all bestfriends and he knew I wanted to marry him and eventually it was just a fact. In my 4th grade year book, his bestfriend wrote, "good luck with u and michaels relationship." BAHAHA. WTF? What relationship? See? I even had OTHER people convinced we were going to make it.
Anyway.
When we were in 5th grade we found out that he was moving to freaking New Hampshire. Who moves to NH?! What is even IN New Hampshire?! I was so sad. I think I cried myself to sleep for a month. I literally had a crush on him for SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE.
It was actually so funny because at my 8th grade graduation, a mom of one of the kids that I grew up with that was in our little circle back in the day came up to me and she said, "You know what? Seeing you up there just made me think of Michael because you were so in love with that kid. You ever talk to him?" Yeah, I go big or go home.
Fast forward into high school and I looked him up and added him on face book. Oh dear. Let me just say that he lost me at the words "fucked up liberals". Oh, Michael. You had such potential. He was actually quite rude to me because after apparently stalking my face book upon his friend confirmation, he was most displeased at my (then much more dramatic) political stance. Whatever, "Mike". Yes, they referred to him as "Mike" up north. What a douche. Also, he resembles Justin Bieber more closely than some lesbians do. I can't make this stuff up.
He really did just turn into a complete asshole. I stalked him for probably a good hour and it was like looking at someone I never met. Had he stayed in good old North Carolina, I probably would have grown to hate him. Although I do know who he is now, I'm glad I only really know the old Michael and not the new "Mike" who has had one too many sips of haterade. I suppose it's best sometimes to part ways before you're forced to mourn the loss of someone you love and then be introduced to the "new but not so improved" them. Life is so funny.
I miss being a little kid sometimes.
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
I have recently discovered that as hard as I try to organize my life, life is not meant to be organized. Yes, it's good to have financial stability and security with work. School organization is priority and the organization of my health should also be on the top of any list. But life in general just isn't meant to be organized. I have recently found that when I try to put my life in this little metaphorical box, tucking each and every aspect in neatly, piling the most important things on top and stuffing the random and seemingly unimportant things at the bottom, that I most unhappy. For awhile I can convince myself that I'm over the moon with joy and peace but in reality, I'm just as broken as I was when I started the whole process of "fixing" what I thought was not working.
June has only been around for nine days. I was, and still am, super excited about the coming of Summer because I can already see some positive changes happening in my life. I guess I just got so consumed with this idea of "new" that I forgot there would still be some "old" to deal with, and that some of the changes coming might not make me so happy.
Truth? I miss my best friend. I understand schedules get hectic, but I guess because I have always made it a priority to not let work stop me from doing things I just assume that others do the same. And that's not an insult or a dig at anyone. For the past two years, I've literally been at work more than I have been at home. Typically I work 6 days a week. Before summer I was getting up around 6 to be at school by 7:30 and then I was going straight to work before getting off late and either going to let dogs out or going home. My average time of getting home was anywhere from 9:45-11:00pm, and then it would start all over again. In between I would squeeze lunch dates, shopping trips, visits with family, homework, downtime, etc. I completely understand, and remember the nights of crying and bitching about, the fact that I was totally overdoing it. I don't hold anything against anyone. I simply and peacefully miss someone that I did not plan on missing until August. There are plenty of other issues I have, I won't lie. And that's my fault because I get upset and hold everything in until it all comes out at the wrong time. It's definitely a vice.
With every alleged "negative", I have to remember there are positives. I am doing so much more for me right now than I ever did before. My finances are (although momentarily jilted) finally straight, I'm getting healthier, seeing friends I never made time for and finally, finally, FINALLY recognizing completely how irrefutably important Ethan is in my life. My rock, my love, my reason. I've always heard to never put a man before your friends, because "men may come and go but friends are forever." And sometimes this is true, but not when the love of your life is ALSO a friend. Ethan has been there for me when I have literally stared at the phone and thought, "Who do I even call right now? ________ just happened, I'm sitting here crying and scared to death and I don't know what to do." And then I get this flood of anxiety because I realize that I can't call Lukas, because he's busy as he should be. I can't call Lindsey, she's busy being a mom. And then I get this other flood of reassurance because I can call E. If he's sleeping, working, talking, eating, relaxing or doing ANYTHING else, I can call him and I know without a doubt in my mind that I have nothing more than seconds in between all the right words and all the love in the world.
Right now I am so drained. I've had such a sad week full of bad news, heartbreak, heartache, toothaches, fear, anxiety, stress, obsessive-compulsive set backs, crying, frowning, struggling and the list could go on. I feel like I'm in a cage. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a cage and I can reach my hands through the bars just enough to graze the object or goal I'm striving for. Sometimes I can get a hold of it, feel it, taste it... other times I'm too tired to keep stretching and I just fall down.
But there are things I can do in a cage besides cry. I can pray, I can love and I can sing.
"The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing"
-Mya Angelou
June has only been around for nine days. I was, and still am, super excited about the coming of Summer because I can already see some positive changes happening in my life. I guess I just got so consumed with this idea of "new" that I forgot there would still be some "old" to deal with, and that some of the changes coming might not make me so happy.
Truth? I miss my best friend. I understand schedules get hectic, but I guess because I have always made it a priority to not let work stop me from doing things I just assume that others do the same. And that's not an insult or a dig at anyone. For the past two years, I've literally been at work more than I have been at home. Typically I work 6 days a week. Before summer I was getting up around 6 to be at school by 7:30 and then I was going straight to work before getting off late and either going to let dogs out or going home. My average time of getting home was anywhere from 9:45-11:00pm, and then it would start all over again. In between I would squeeze lunch dates, shopping trips, visits with family, homework, downtime, etc. I completely understand, and remember the nights of crying and bitching about, the fact that I was totally overdoing it. I don't hold anything against anyone. I simply and peacefully miss someone that I did not plan on missing until August. There are plenty of other issues I have, I won't lie. And that's my fault because I get upset and hold everything in until it all comes out at the wrong time. It's definitely a vice.
With every alleged "negative", I have to remember there are positives. I am doing so much more for me right now than I ever did before. My finances are (although momentarily jilted) finally straight, I'm getting healthier, seeing friends I never made time for and finally, finally, FINALLY recognizing completely how irrefutably important Ethan is in my life. My rock, my love, my reason. I've always heard to never put a man before your friends, because "men may come and go but friends are forever." And sometimes this is true, but not when the love of your life is ALSO a friend. Ethan has been there for me when I have literally stared at the phone and thought, "Who do I even call right now? ________ just happened, I'm sitting here crying and scared to death and I don't know what to do." And then I get this flood of anxiety because I realize that I can't call Lukas, because he's busy as he should be. I can't call Lindsey, she's busy being a mom. And then I get this other flood of reassurance because I can call E. If he's sleeping, working, talking, eating, relaxing or doing ANYTHING else, I can call him and I know without a doubt in my mind that I have nothing more than seconds in between all the right words and all the love in the world.
Right now I am so drained. I've had such a sad week full of bad news, heartbreak, heartache, toothaches, fear, anxiety, stress, obsessive-compulsive set backs, crying, frowning, struggling and the list could go on. I feel like I'm in a cage. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a cage and I can reach my hands through the bars just enough to graze the object or goal I'm striving for. Sometimes I can get a hold of it, feel it, taste it... other times I'm too tired to keep stretching and I just fall down.
But there are things I can do in a cage besides cry. I can pray, I can love and I can sing.
"The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing"
-Mya Angelou
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I think.
I think things would
Feel
Be
Appear
The same
If...
You
Weren't
Conforming to the person
That
He
Wants
You
To
Be.
You were beautiful the way you were.
Feel
Be
Appear
The same
If...
You
Weren't
Conforming to the person
That
He
Wants
You
To
Be.
You were beautiful the way you were.
Monday, June 6, 2011
What He Did, Does and Will Do.
As I was writing my last blog post, I couldn't help but make a realization that needed to be written down.
Last week I was sort of hit with an "Oh my gosh, how am I going to pay all these bills?!" kind of moment. It's not that I'm in so much debt that I fear I'll be put in jail next week, or that I'll be filing bankruptcy before I turn 21, but I am in more debt that I feel comfortable with and my payments each month are higher than I'd like them to be, although they are affordable. I think I was starting to panic because I knew my credit card payment was about to triple since my intro APR was going to end after this month.
Three days ago I tweeted this: "Trusting that God will provide today... So nervous about all the money I need to come up with."
I tweeted that right as I pulled up to the bank in Newton. I was trying to get a small loan to consolidate all my debt that would pay my car off and my credit cards off at a lower interest rate than what I'm paying now. It seemed like the only option I had to lessen my monthly payments, but, I didn't get it. I wasn't angry at God, but I didn't understand. I couldn't figure out what He wanted me to do. I knew I had gotten myself into debt but I realized that I wasn't capable of just pulling myself out of it alone. I just didn't know what to do. So I prayed about it.
Literally a day later, things started to fall into place. I secured a few more house-sitting jobs and I devised this idea that I would budget all the money I had coming in for the next few months.I literally stared at my computer screen for hours before realizing my blessings. Assuming I get no new housesitting dates for the rest of the year, relying on my current housesitting dates and Zander's income alone, I'll pay off one credit card by the beginning of October. With my refund check from school coming in October, I'll be able to pay off my car in cash, too. That's two bills that will be eliminated in a matter of months. When my car is paid off, I'll be able to get rid of collision which will bring my car insurance down and I also plan to get rid of my blackberry which will lower my cell phone payment. If I stick to this budget, I'll also have lots left over that will go straight to my credit card debt. If I get my typical amount of housesitting during the months of August - December, I should only have a little over 25% of my current balance left on my credit card, which can then be paid off in just a few short months due to my other debts being paid.
Another blessing that happened this weekend was concerning our NOLA trip. I was getting discouraged about paying for the trip because even though it's a cheaper vacation than going to the beach, we quickly realized that we were going to be paying a lot in lodging, gas and the basic necessities of food while we were there. We also wanted to make sure we had enough to go out to attractions that cost money, and to be able to purchase some stuff before we left like groceries and clothes. I had mentioned to Ethan that maybe we should just cancel but he didn't like that idea at all. After searching online for hotels, I quickely realized several things: 1.Hotels in our price range were sketchy 2.They weren't even going to let us have a hotel room because neither of us will be 21. Bummer. I saw a link for a bed and breakfast and I was super excited to learn that they were much cheaper and MUCH nicer than most hotels. Why don't people stay in B&Bs more often?! I found one that seemed relatively reasonable and Ethan and I almost booked it but decided to wait. Later on in the weekend I did some last minute searching and found a deal that seemed too good to be true. This B&B only charges $65 a nigh and that includes all taxes, fees and breakfasts each morning. This was SUCH a good deal compared to what we had planned on getting. The breakfasts aren't elaborate, but the fresh fruit and cereals provided will be more than enough for us. I got so excited, called and found out that the innkeeper had a room available, but she would not let us book a room because we weren't 21. This was the only Inn I had called that had this rule. I even asked if a parent could rent for us and she said no. Discouraged, I decided to give it one last shot. I sent the lady an e-mail asking her to reconsider, offering both of our parents to vouch for us and reassured her of our character and maturity. I even offered to get references. A few hours later I got an e-mail that said she would consider it more after talking to my mom, and this morning after they talked I got an e-mail that said she would agree to letting us stay. WOW. God really pulled through for us. Not only are we getting the room at an awesome price, but we are now able to stay an extra night. This isn't something we really wanted to do, because we didn't intend to turn this into a 5 day event, but after looking at all our options it seemed best to stay an extra night so that we were well rested for driving home. We also wanted to stop a few places along the way home, and being able to leave during the morning would let us do that and still make it home before dark.
I don't know why I am so astonished everytime I see things in life be taken care of by God. He plainly tells us that He will provide what we need. And when we finally surrender ourselves to Him and allow Him to take over our plans instead of insisting that we do it ourselves, so many things happen that show His love, mercy and grace.
There are still many things that I don't have resolved yet. I need to get my car fixed ($500), I need to get it road-legal ($100), I need to get a new license ($32) and I need to get two fillings in my mouth ($500). Yes, that all adds up to be quite a bit, but I know I'll make it all work. Having faith is the hardest,easiest and most important part of any plan that could ever be devised. I have to have faith that my God will provide again... and He will, just as He always does.
Matthew 6:31-32
31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
Last week I was sort of hit with an "Oh my gosh, how am I going to pay all these bills?!" kind of moment. It's not that I'm in so much debt that I fear I'll be put in jail next week, or that I'll be filing bankruptcy before I turn 21, but I am in more debt that I feel comfortable with and my payments each month are higher than I'd like them to be, although they are affordable. I think I was starting to panic because I knew my credit card payment was about to triple since my intro APR was going to end after this month.
Three days ago I tweeted this: "Trusting that God will provide today... So nervous about all the money I need to come up with."
I tweeted that right as I pulled up to the bank in Newton. I was trying to get a small loan to consolidate all my debt that would pay my car off and my credit cards off at a lower interest rate than what I'm paying now. It seemed like the only option I had to lessen my monthly payments, but, I didn't get it. I wasn't angry at God, but I didn't understand. I couldn't figure out what He wanted me to do. I knew I had gotten myself into debt but I realized that I wasn't capable of just pulling myself out of it alone. I just didn't know what to do. So I prayed about it.
Literally a day later, things started to fall into place. I secured a few more house-sitting jobs and I devised this idea that I would budget all the money I had coming in for the next few months.I literally stared at my computer screen for hours before realizing my blessings. Assuming I get no new housesitting dates for the rest of the year, relying on my current housesitting dates and Zander's income alone, I'll pay off one credit card by the beginning of October. With my refund check from school coming in October, I'll be able to pay off my car in cash, too. That's two bills that will be eliminated in a matter of months. When my car is paid off, I'll be able to get rid of collision which will bring my car insurance down and I also plan to get rid of my blackberry which will lower my cell phone payment. If I stick to this budget, I'll also have lots left over that will go straight to my credit card debt. If I get my typical amount of housesitting during the months of August - December, I should only have a little over 25% of my current balance left on my credit card, which can then be paid off in just a few short months due to my other debts being paid.
Another blessing that happened this weekend was concerning our NOLA trip. I was getting discouraged about paying for the trip because even though it's a cheaper vacation than going to the beach, we quickly realized that we were going to be paying a lot in lodging, gas and the basic necessities of food while we were there. We also wanted to make sure we had enough to go out to attractions that cost money, and to be able to purchase some stuff before we left like groceries and clothes. I had mentioned to Ethan that maybe we should just cancel but he didn't like that idea at all. After searching online for hotels, I quickely realized several things: 1.Hotels in our price range were sketchy 2.They weren't even going to let us have a hotel room because neither of us will be 21. Bummer. I saw a link for a bed and breakfast and I was super excited to learn that they were much cheaper and MUCH nicer than most hotels. Why don't people stay in B&Bs more often?! I found one that seemed relatively reasonable and Ethan and I almost booked it but decided to wait. Later on in the weekend I did some last minute searching and found a deal that seemed too good to be true. This B&B only charges $65 a nigh and that includes all taxes, fees and breakfasts each morning. This was SUCH a good deal compared to what we had planned on getting. The breakfasts aren't elaborate, but the fresh fruit and cereals provided will be more than enough for us. I got so excited, called and found out that the innkeeper had a room available, but she would not let us book a room because we weren't 21. This was the only Inn I had called that had this rule. I even asked if a parent could rent for us and she said no. Discouraged, I decided to give it one last shot. I sent the lady an e-mail asking her to reconsider, offering both of our parents to vouch for us and reassured her of our character and maturity. I even offered to get references. A few hours later I got an e-mail that said she would consider it more after talking to my mom, and this morning after they talked I got an e-mail that said she would agree to letting us stay. WOW. God really pulled through for us. Not only are we getting the room at an awesome price, but we are now able to stay an extra night. This isn't something we really wanted to do, because we didn't intend to turn this into a 5 day event, but after looking at all our options it seemed best to stay an extra night so that we were well rested for driving home. We also wanted to stop a few places along the way home, and being able to leave during the morning would let us do that and still make it home before dark.
I don't know why I am so astonished everytime I see things in life be taken care of by God. He plainly tells us that He will provide what we need. And when we finally surrender ourselves to Him and allow Him to take over our plans instead of insisting that we do it ourselves, so many things happen that show His love, mercy and grace.
There are still many things that I don't have resolved yet. I need to get my car fixed ($500), I need to get it road-legal ($100), I need to get a new license ($32) and I need to get two fillings in my mouth ($500). Yes, that all adds up to be quite a bit, but I know I'll make it all work. Having faith is the hardest,easiest and most important part of any plan that could ever be devised. I have to have faith that my God will provide again... and He will, just as He always does.
Matthew 6:31-32
31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
Feelings of Accomplisment
I love feeling as if I've really accomplished something. Yesterday started off so slow. Ethan and I overslept and while we could have made it to late service at church, we opted to just take our time getting ready and spend the rest of the day together before he had to go to work. We had a nice lunch, I made a deposit at the bank and by the time I got back home I was ready to take a nap. I don't know why I get these bursts of creativity/drive to do something RIGHT before I'm ready to pass out, but sometimes I do. I spent hours in front of my computer screen last night looking at bank statements, credit card statements, calendars and an excel sheet that contained my budget. I decided that my previous budget wasn't good enough, so I created an even more detailed budget that would last me through December of this year. I wanted to keep going but knew I had better stop while I was ahead. In a few months if I seem to stay on target with this one, I'll start on one for next year. I think the hardest part for me will be finding things to do with Ethan or friends that doesn't cost any money, or that costs very little money. I'm really bad about going out to dinner, going to the movies or doing something that costs $10-20 bucks a weekend, and then by the end of the month I realize that I've spent so much on things that aren't really necessary. Thankfully I am starting this new budget during the summer so lots of our entertainment can come from a pool or a park. Redbox is another good way to watch movies on the cheap... and I always forget about my favorite form of entertainment: reading. I plan on reading a few good books this summer.
I'm also starting a new diet along with this new budget. I didn't really plan to start both within the same week, but it just sort of happened. To begin with, I actually really love working out. It's one of the best ways to relieve stress and I genuinely feel SO much better when I'm doing it. My serotonin levels must skyrocket when I'm a phase of working out because I'm just so happy. My depression seems to disappear. And My skin is healthier... well, it's really no secret that eating right and working out is good for you, but I just always forget howgood it is. I went to the gym this morning and did a short workout and I was so pumped to just be back in the gym. I think I'm going to start taking a few classes there because I find myself losing motivation if I'm just moving from machine to machine.
I am SO excited to go to NOLA this summer, too. I think part of the reason why I'm budgeting so tightly is so we don't have to worry about money while we're there. And I want to look a little better before we go, too. I'd really like to drop two sizes before we leave. I can do it. Hopefully.
I guess I'm just ready to get happy. I'm ready to stop worrying about what I don't have or what I wish I had or what I could have if only [insert impossible thing here] would happen. I'm going to just start living with a bit more organization, a bit more structure and that will, in turn, mean I'll be leaving just a little bit more carefree.
:)
I'm also starting a new diet along with this new budget. I didn't really plan to start both within the same week, but it just sort of happened. To begin with, I actually really love working out. It's one of the best ways to relieve stress and I genuinely feel SO much better when I'm doing it. My serotonin levels must skyrocket when I'm a phase of working out because I'm just so happy. My depression seems to disappear. And My skin is healthier... well, it's really no secret that eating right and working out is good for you, but I just always forget howgood it is. I went to the gym this morning and did a short workout and I was so pumped to just be back in the gym. I think I'm going to start taking a few classes there because I find myself losing motivation if I'm just moving from machine to machine.
I am SO excited to go to NOLA this summer, too. I think part of the reason why I'm budgeting so tightly is so we don't have to worry about money while we're there. And I want to look a little better before we go, too. I'd really like to drop two sizes before we leave. I can do it. Hopefully.
I guess I'm just ready to get happy. I'm ready to stop worrying about what I don't have or what I wish I had or what I could have if only [insert impossible thing here] would happen. I'm going to just start living with a bit more organization, a bit more structure and that will, in turn, mean I'll be leaving just a little bit more carefree.
:)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
If I Were You
You have been given everything you want in life, little girl. One day, it will catch up with you and you will wish so badly that you had back the mom, dad, brother, grandparents... even cousins and second cousins that care about you and love you. One day, your parents will stop handing you money every time you put your hand out, they will stop paying your insurance and you will be forced to take care of it yourself. One day, you will realize that the reason I talked to you, which has caused you to be so angry, is because other people wanted to invade your privacy and not even talk to your face. One day you will realize that the people you are the meanest and rudest to care about you the most. You are so lucky. If I had the family you had, I would never want to leave their sight. I'd stay with my grandmother's until it was too late, and I'd go over sometimes when it was way too early just to say hello. I'd spend quality time with my brother who genuinely loved me because you don't find siblings like that everywhere. I know you are so angry right now at so many things. I don't really know why, because you're literally given everything you need. But you are and it makes me sad for you. Tonight, I wanted to scream at you. Ethan wanted to call you out on your attitude and how you're treating people, but I don't think any of that would ever work. I think it is going to take time. Time for you to truly realize what you've got, what you're letting go and what will one day be too late for you to appreciate.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Sad realizations.
I found out today that Dale was fired. It's honestly too much to type out concerning how this will affect my mom, and even me. But it's days like today that make me wish I had family. I have friends who say they consider me as family but honestly, I don't really believe them anymore. I try to stay in touch, to do things or ask how days are going and they're rarely reciprocated with genuine interest. I can only deceive myself for so long before I realize that the fantasy of having this huge extended family is nothing more than false reality. It's not that I actually blame them, I mean, they have their own life and their own family. I look at my friends and even though they might not always get along with the people they're related to, they have a plethora of options when it comes help from family. I don't know what it's like to call an aunt, an uncle, a cousin. I can't remember what it's like to call my grandmother. I don't know what it's like to have a dependable dad. Most days I'm okay with all of this because I feel that God has more than compensated for my lack of blood relatives... but there are days like today, that are few and far between, that I realize just how alone my mom and I really are. It makes me so sad. I literally have tears because as I think about it, it just doesn't seem fair. And yet I also have to remember that life wasn't meant to be fair, or easy... just worth it. I have faith that God will provide for us when it seems like no one else can or will... but it's so hard to stay encouraged when you feel like you're the only one offering yourself encouragement.
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Hey, June :)
Oh my gosh. I just laughed out loud. So, I was thinking of a blog title for this post and since it's going to be about the beginning of June and OTHER new beginnings I was going to say, "Hey, June!" And then I got the song "Hey Jude" stuck in my head but instead of Jude I was saying June. I don't know if that will be funny to anyone else...
It's actually appropriate, I mean, for right now, if you actually DID replace Jude with June it would be like:
So let it out and let it in, hey June, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey June, you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Okay kind of. Anyway.
I'm super stoked for this month. I don't know why. I think I do this with every month. But for starters, I'm pretty flipping excited that summer is here. As I write this I am also looking at my iCal and it's so empty but also really full. Of course I have my internship but Alan is starting at Zander's soon so I'll have my weekends off (YEAH!).
I've got several house-sitting jobs which will be great to help pay off my car and the houses that I'm actually going to be at are mostly my favorites. This weekend I'll be at Jenna's mom's house and then the next weekend has yet to be filled, but Ethan will be at drill so I think I'll try to spend time cleaning and maybe going to see Linds and Keaton, or maybe just staying home and relaxing. The 17th-20th cannot get here soon enough! My favorite family will be leaving for four days which means I get total access to their awesome pool, which will be perfect for spending a weekend with my favorite :) The 25th will be fun because E's mom reserved tickets for some concert in Charlotte that has lots of people I have never heard of but I'm sure I'll have fun :)
I'm also stoked because my my gym just released their June schedule and their is a MUCH bigger selection of classes to chose from this month which means I can actually get to a few that I've been eying. I've also set my first goal for losing weight for June which is such a good thing. I've not actually set a goal this time that I've tried working out and I do so much better with goal setting...
I'm making it a point to finish getting my teeth taken care of this month and to also go to the dr. about this odd thing on my chin that isn't like anything terrible but I just want it gone.
AND I feel like I'm rambling.
And this month actually started off kind of awful with this odd spider bite on my leg. I really hope it goes away soon :(
Okay. I'm done.
:o)
It's actually appropriate, I mean, for right now, if you actually DID replace Jude with June it would be like:
So let it out and let it in, hey June, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey June, you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Okay kind of. Anyway.
I'm super stoked for this month. I don't know why. I think I do this with every month. But for starters, I'm pretty flipping excited that summer is here. As I write this I am also looking at my iCal and it's so empty but also really full. Of course I have my internship but Alan is starting at Zander's soon so I'll have my weekends off (YEAH!).
I've got several house-sitting jobs which will be great to help pay off my car and the houses that I'm actually going to be at are mostly my favorites. This weekend I'll be at Jenna's mom's house and then the next weekend has yet to be filled, but Ethan will be at drill so I think I'll try to spend time cleaning and maybe going to see Linds and Keaton, or maybe just staying home and relaxing. The 17th-20th cannot get here soon enough! My favorite family will be leaving for four days which means I get total access to their awesome pool, which will be perfect for spending a weekend with my favorite :) The 25th will be fun because E's mom reserved tickets for some concert in Charlotte that has lots of people I have never heard of but I'm sure I'll have fun :)
I'm also stoked because my my gym just released their June schedule and their is a MUCH bigger selection of classes to chose from this month which means I can actually get to a few that I've been eying. I've also set my first goal for losing weight for June which is such a good thing. I've not actually set a goal this time that I've tried working out and I do so much better with goal setting...
I'm making it a point to finish getting my teeth taken care of this month and to also go to the dr. about this odd thing on my chin that isn't like anything terrible but I just want it gone.
AND I feel like I'm rambling.
And this month actually started off kind of awful with this odd spider bite on my leg. I really hope it goes away soon :(
Okay. I'm done.
:o)
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