Don't.

I'm not one to sit proudly with my "12B Wife" t-shirt on, humming Taps and TiVoing Army Wives before volunteering to head up the FRG; however, don't you fucking sit there and tell me that you "know exactly what I'm going through." Let me elaborate. I get that I'm not the first - nor will I be the last - person whose spouse deploys. There are children, for God's sake, who have experienced the deployment of their parents and they manage just fine. But don't for one second undermine the fact that this NEW to me. I've never dealt with it before and it isn't something you can quite easily relate to. Please don't tell me for a one more solitary time that, "oh, I get it believe me." Uh, no. No you in fact do NOT get it. The most dangerous thing your ex husband did was sell drugs at a store he owned using a loan with your house as collateral. The farthest away he ever "traveled" was to another woman's bed. The most potential he had for being killed while working was a fucking mattress falling on his head and I highly doubt that at times you would have found it to be an inconvenience at most.

Don't you fucking dare. You really have no idea. I'm not thirty but I'm not thirteen.

I'm truly done. 

Reading

I am so, so glad I started reading again. Since I began a few days ago, I reach for the Kindle every chance I get. I've made started a list of things to be read over the summer and while E is gone and I don't think I've watched television but for maybe an hour the entire week.

I had forgotten what it was like to fall in love with a character and be so completely immersed in their world that I forget about my own. I forgot what it was like to fantasize about far away places and people I don't know, or rather, don't really exist except for the brief time they come alive in my imagination.

The only thing I'm trying to get used to is figuring out how "big" a book really is. Seeing that I'm 85% done isn't quite as satisfying as holding a hard back in my hands and visualizing progress. According to Steven I can simply google the book, find out the page number and then do some insane proportional math, but that's a bit too much for me. I guess I'll stick to guessing.

I love this feeling of having been reading. It's so refreshing.

I don't feel quite so alone at the moment, the pages are filled with the best kinds of friends and lovers.


<3

Clarity & Confusion

Today I had a moment that felt as though time had stopped completely. Briefly, I was able to seperate myself from everything I knew and get a glimpse at my life from the outside in. I don't what came over me. Maybe it's the fact that I read Shades of Grey in about 23 hours and became so enthralled that I began narrarating my life in first person like a novel on accident, or maybe it was just a coincidence. Nevertheless, I stopped and for just a minute; I think I had a rather clear picture of what was really going on.

I've longed for this month to end so I could see my husband, but now that it's almost here, I realize how quickly those ten days will fly. I have truely started to grasp what missing feels like. I thought I knew. I thought him going away for days was missing him, that not seeing family for weeks or months was missing.... no, this is what missing feels like, Olivia. Get used to it.

I've anticipated graduation, worried about quitting Zander's, scared myself to death about starting a new job and now it's here and it isn't scary. Whoever said to enjoy college because the real world was going to be a rude wake-up call? Liars. The real world is easier, less confusing and far more empowering. That is, if you take control and make it yours. I love it and it's such a welcome distraction. I've never loved my days before.

I wanted my bestfriend (old bestfriend?) back. Or to talk to me. And finally, he did. And now I just see how much time passed and how I feel like a stranger and how making things right seems so trivial now because it's like seeing someone who I used to know. I'm not gonna lie... I had this tiny hope that he'd show up to graduation and help me forget what was going on in my world. He would have done that, the person I used to know. The one I don't know, didn't. Wake up, Olivia. Life has moved far, far past you. Try and catch up. You've lost it already.

I thought things were finally normal in my own home with my own mom, but it's just asking too much. At risk of sounding like a 13 year old throwing a tantrum, she really doesn't get me. I say this in a way that a college-educated (finally!) person should say it; we truly see life from two different perspectives. We make different choices, pick different battles and we can't quite seem to agree. I longed for the day she was right... for the day that I "understood". Alas, that day hasn't come and I'm exhausted. It's okay to not understand. Everyone is different and you know that it doesn't make you a bad person. You know you are far from staying in the past and quite possibly, you are the only focused on the future.

Woah, clarity. Where did you come from? I don't like you. But I needed you.

With clarity; however, comes even more confusion.

Tattoo

I want a tattoo. I've been saying it for so long and I never get it and now I think I'm ready. About a year and a half ago, I was *this* close to getting one. I picked out a beautiful "E" that I wanted on the top of my right foot, but I got talked out of it. I'm not sure if I'm glad about it because a year and a half later, I still like the idea of it. But I'm glad he DID talk me out of it because now I still have more options. I've gone back and forth between getting an "E" or an "L", and there are a few phrases/lyrics I love, too. And I keep trying to figure out where it's going to go... my wrist, foot, behind my ear, or top right corner of my chest/shoulder thing.

I don't know how big or how small but I know I want it soon. I also need someone there who isn't going to lecture me. Good luck to me on that. I'd ask my sister but she has a way of making me feel like an idiot with no words needed. I guess I can go by myself. It might be therapeutic. But I also need someone who will be honset. Like, I should have been honest with someone who got a tattoo while I was there but said nothing. Now is not the time for Karma.

Decisions, decisions.

No words, ya'll.

Y'all, I don't even know what to say right now.

I'm so conflicted and I just wish I knew what I was actually feeling so I could describe it. There is a part of me that is so excited that I graduated from L-R with honors. I have a sense of pride that I have my degree and that I got it in three years but then there's a feeling of regret, too. I didn't make many friends at L-R, I didn't really do anything extra-curricularly. I don't know. I didn't really care about it at the time but now I do.

And I miss E but it isn't like a normal kind of missing. I get so frustrated because we can't talk much. I think I've heard his voice for a collective 30 minutes in the last few weeks... I can't text him when I need him. This morning I hydroplaned on the highway going into work and I was stuck on the side of the road and I just started bawling because I couldn't call my husband to come help me. I was totally fine, my car seems fine, after a few tries I was able to get it out but just the thought that I couldn't get to him broke my heart. I still haven't been able to tell him.

I'm off work now and it's like this gigantic reminder that I'm completely without anything to do. I have no school to study for, no husband to make a home with and no activitiy to keep me busy and since I'm rather introverted, I don't usually mind, but damn it's starting to get to me.

I know I have to do something while E is gone. I've started talking to one of the music instructors at my work, and I'm going to start taking piano classes soon. It's such a beautiful instrument. I could listen to someone play all day long. Part of why I love this job is that I'm surrounded by art all the time... I want to be a part of it. I know I'm getting a late start but it's better late than never. I have dreams of playing Tchaikovksy's October but I'll settle for Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star at this point.

I get a free gym membership at the YMCA while E is deployed so I guess I'll be using that. I finally have the time to work out and I'm glad because I miss it a lot. I miss being healtier and feeling good about myself... I guess I've let my stress drag me down but I can't let that happen anymore.

And can I just say that when your last words to your best friend of years are pretty much "fuck you" and you think you're done and then all of a sudden months later they decide to talk to you again that it can confuse the hell out of you. Because I swear to God that came out of no where. And it's a good thing I guess. But it's confusing as shit because it isn't like, "Oh! Things are peachy and back to normal," it's this "Oh, sorry that we pretty much had the equivalant of a textual WWE match, so what's new?" Seriously. I kind of love that that can happen, but I kind of want to go back six months in time and knock both of us out. AND OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED I CAN ASK WHERE TO GET MY IPHONE FIXED AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IT IS A GOOD DAY.

So now, it's finding things to do. Today I'll clean my room, balance our banking account, make a budget or something and take pictures of things I'm trying to sell and post it online. I guess I'll take it day by day... if this past weekend is any indication of what life will be like for the next year, it's going to be one unpredictable ride.

Commencement



Me and Mariska Roo pre-ceremony

 The day has come and gone and I am officially a graduate of Lenoir-Rhyne University as the recipient of a Bachelor of Arts degree in Public Relations & Multimedia Journalism, Cum Laude. It's been such an interesting four years, starting when I was just a senior in high school arriving to school an hour early, meeting Lukas in the parking lot, because we were paranoid we'd miss or not find our first class on the campus of L-R after being accepted to the High School Scholars Academy. I can remember the feeling of excitement then and while it faded away after time, I still cling to it a bit; the child-like fear, the adult-like setting and the inbetween stage of life I was beginning.


Four, short years later, I turned my tassel on the field of Moretz Stadium and closed yet another chapter in my life. It was a bittersweet day that held tears of sadness and smiles of joy. In the stands sat my parents, sisters, inlaws and a few friends; in my heart, my grandmother and my better half.



Sisters



I know that as I walked up to recieve my diploma, the nerves disappeared and the idea of, "this is it" kind of hit me. It was done and, this, too, had passed. It was a crazy, crazy feeling to know that it was all said and done and I had made it to the end of my undergraduate career. I stood beside family, taking picture after picture and I'd be lying to say I wasn't proud of myself. There were many nights I was unsure that this would ever happen, but it certainly did.

Lydia, Me, Taylor, Kyle

Jen, Dad & Makala

 



Gina, Me, Mom

When it was all said and done, I was given flowers and a card from E, and I'm not going to lie, it was the highlight of my night. More important than my degree, more loved than anyone else who could have come to my graduation and more missed than anyone who couldn't come was my husband. 



Flowers and a card from my husband :)

The day after graduation, it was slightly surreal. While I certainly look forward to the days of summer, it isn't the same anticipation that I normally have. When you're in school, the magic of summer is that it's fleeting. You only have a few months to live it up until you're back to the books for another semester. I'm not sure that my excitement for the summer season is quite the same, but this summer, I'm definitely looking forward to realaxing a bit more than usual, considering my workload just decreased by about 75% for the first time in years.

I also got a sweet, surprise text from someone that I honestly never thought I'd hear from again. I don't know what it means, really. Things certainly aren't as they were a year ago, but they must not be as bad as they were three months ago. I'm so, so thankful for that. The whole ordeal had truly crushed my spirit for awhile and left me slightly changed.

Overall, I think graduation was a success. Could it have been better? Of course. I was .03 away from graduating Magna Cum Laude, my husband couldn't be there, a few other people who I had sort of hoped would show up didn't come and I never managed to finish my minor in Psychology because those 6 credits couldn't fit in my schedule. But you know what? I finished. And I'm happy with it and I thank God for it.

And besides, I have a new chapter in life to start writing... cheers to that.



Graduation isn't really a big deal

Graduation isn't really a big deal. I know the achievement of finishing college is a big deal, but the ceremony itself isn't. So why am I so emotional this week? My mom and dad will be there, my sisters will be there, some of Ethan's family will be there... and they are all important to me, don't get me wrong; however, I can't stop thinking about who won't be there. I got my hair trimmed today, bought a new dress, got my eye brows tamed for the first time in forever and all of this should have sparked excitement in me. But on my way home from shopping I just cried.

I cried last night, I cried two days ago and I feel like crying right now. Sometimes I cry because my grandmother won't be there,  most of the time I cry because my husband can't be there and then other times, I just cry. I literally start crying, unsure of why, and I just can't stop. I almost feel like I'm being punished somehow. This is what I get for not being a good enough granddaughter, a good enough wife, a good enough friend, and good enough person. There are so many things I did wrong that I can't undo.

I know this isn't really about graduation. It's just happening at the same time. A coincidiatal collision of events that's totally wrecking my emotional state. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't hugged my husband in two weeks (ha- like two weeks will be anything once deployment kicks in), or maybe it's my longing that this weekend will soon be over and I can go back to blending in with the world a little more easily.

Prayers for a Friend

This morning I learned that one of favorite friends' dad died last night. I had no idea he was so sick and I feel like I just sort of let him down in terms of being a decent friend. How could I have not known something like that? This kind of tragedy puts so many things in perspective. So many moments are taken for granted, expected and forgotten and I feel so helpless in retrieving them for him.

I could ramble all night but it won't replace the hole in his heart, the tears that will flow or the father that left this world too soon.

I usually pray selfish prayers, but tonight, I'm just praying for Steven. I'm praying that there is peace in his heart and that the comfort of Christ envelopes him. I pray that he lets himself mourn, cry and be sad for awhile, and then I pray that he remembers the healthier days of his dad, and that soon and very soon, he will reunite with him again. I pray that he feels love each day from each one of us who care about him and that even in the darkest of days, that he remembers the love of His savior will carry him to the next hour.

That's all anyone can really do; just keep praying.

iPhoto

I was going through my iPhoto tonight, just sorting through things and trying to label them. I came across so many pictures that came with so many memories... some that had been scanned from when I was a kid, some taken during high school, some two years ago, some months ago, others were fresh off my iPhone this afternoon. I started crying as I looked through them and I couldn't even figure out why. There were so many reasons I could have picked...

 

 

 

Each photograph holds a memory. Each of them hold something good, and each hold something sad. 

Tonight I just miss it all. 

Putting It Off

Well, I have two papers left to write. Two simple papers, double spaced, that will take no more than an hour - maybe two - to write. They're due Monday at lunch, and at that time, I will be done with all the work of my undergraduate degree. I can't bring myself to write them just yet. I could have had these done two weeks ago, but alas, they have remained unwritten.

I remember when I got the last Harry Potter book. I was SO excited for it to come out... I stood in line at midnight to get my copy, I went to Harry Potter themed parties, and I watched movie marathons to see my favorite Wizards in action. But then I got the book in my hands, and once I was home, I didn't want to read it. I didn't want it to be over, really. I was excited, yes, but I was also sad. And as I eventually read the last page, the last words, a chapter of my life ended.

I'll be the first to admit I didn't have the typical college career. I didn't join clubs, make tons of friends or hang out on the weekends drinking. I sort of kept my education at L-R as my focus, and I maintained all my friendships and extracurriculars away from the University. But that doesn't mean that I won't miss it. I liked the interaction with people craving to learn. I enjoyed the research for papers, the stress before the tests and the sudden release of anxiety after the final answered had been marked on an exam I was especially worried about.

Meticulously checking my grades, I took pride in maintaining only the highest levels of achievement and never shied away of fighting for my transcript's accuracy. And I'm going to miss it.

I don't want to write my papers right now... for the thrill of making sure I meet deadline soon won't be around. I've got all weekend. I'll get to it eventually.

Selfishly

Selfishly, oh so selfishly, sometimes I want to go back to this moment and kick and scream until I make enough noise and cause enough distraction to change his mind, bring him home and forget that joining the Army was even an option.

Only sometimes. Even proud Army wives have their moments.

Tonight

I just miss my husband. I'm looking at my puppy who doesn't understand and I'm looking at this empty bed and a fan that I don't need but can't sleep without because when I close my eyes, for just a few seconds, I'm in his arms and he's keeping me warm while he listens to the noise and falls asleep.

What a long, long year I have ahead.

I love you.