Lukas Makes Me Think

The other day I got a tweet that referenced one of my very favorite verses from the bible. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. It wasn't exactly a pleasant reference, or one that I agree with at all. But it did make me think about why I loved it so much when there are those who so obviously disagree with what has become part of my unofficial mantra of life.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have two completely different loves of this passage; one secular and one sacred. I love Christ and I'm becoming a much stronger Christian. I am learning more about what it means to know Him and this passage defines the epitome of what Jesus wanted us to learn; what is love and what we should be more like. We should be more like love, which to me is a synonym of Christ.

But the secular side that is ever present in my life is also in love with this passage. I've had some hard days this month and I am eager to see April come to wash over me a sense of newness, growth and energy. And yet, even the hardest of days can't seem so bad when I think about what love is. This passage does not talk about a lover, who can be both unkind and envious, boastful and proud. It does not talk about sex or affection which can be self-seeking. This passage does not mention heartbreak which can induce anger or the delighting of evil. This passage simply references LOVE. How beautiful is it that we can understand what love really is, without having to worry about what those who abuse the power of it can accomplish? The act of loving or being loved may be difficult and the concept of love itself my become overwhelming, making us incapable of defining it on our own. But love by this simple definition sheds light on what some might thing is a mean, snarling and dangerous emotion. Love is not a bad thing; those who misuse it and fail to appreciate it are where there is fault.

It may be argued that the bible was created under false pretenses, that it was simply a book of words used to make people feel better about why they are here. To those I must say, so what? If that is what you say, does it make the words written any less important? I don't think so. For me the bible is much more than words on paper, but I can appreciate the text in ways that differentiate between spiritual, secular and just plain thought provoking.



Sometimes Lukas will read my blog and think that it was either about him or inspired by him and I always laugh and say that if it WERE about him or if it had anything to DO with him I would simply say so. My dear best friend, cease to wonder. This blog post IS inspired by your own words but is not in any way directed towards you. You should quite honestly be flattered that the words you say hit me hard enough to cause contemplation that leads to written word. Kudos. :)

Last Night

Have you ever had a night that was just awful, and then you woke up the same thing? I don't know. Maybe I do more than I like to think but honestly, last night was just terrible.

It actually started earlier in the day. I was on my way to work to get some coffee when I got a call from Chris. I had called him earlier in the day to check on Kahluah, his oldest boxer. I had been watching her all weekend and I knew she wasn't feeling well. She was still eating and drinking but I also heard her whimper a few times and she had trouble getting up on the bed. I picked her up and cuddled with her Friday night, but Saturday night she stayed in the living room. You could tell she was in some kind of pain but she didn't act sick, really. At one point she was shaking and I called Chris who said she had done it before and that he would take her to the vet the next day. So Chris calls me back and tells me that Kahluah had just had a really bad seizure and that he was taking her to the vet at 1:30. I later found out he had to put her down. I wonder if I should have taken her to the after hours emergency animal hospital, or if I should have stayed with her longer Sunday so that she wasn't alone. I wonder if I should have loved on her more, not yelled at her when she tried to eat crumbs off the coffee table or if I should have been more concerned when I saw her shake. Was she having a seizure then? I really couldn't tell. I loved that dog. She was the oldest of the first dogs I ever got to pet sit and I will always miss her. It just won't be the same when I go over to watch Tanner and Buck because their big sister won't be there to come up behind me, patiently waiting for hugs. But I will always be grateful that no matter how angry it made Tanner to watch, I always remembered that she was there first and her treat was always given without waiting or making her sit too long. She got to go first when I was around, and I'll miss her trying to sneak on the couch when I'm watching TV.

After I left work I went by the Veterinarian office to pay the rest of the bill that we owed for Honey. I got there and it was just a very somber moment. I had asked her if we needed to cancel for our appointment that afternoon, the one that Honey was supposed to be at. I guess my mom had already called. I could see the computer screen and the vet tech said, so innocently, "Well your mom must have called because when a pet passes the screen turns red." Are you KIDDING me, lady?! So of course I had to have a breakdown in the middle of Conover Animal Hospital. I know she probably sees a ton of red screens every week, but I had never seen one before. It was like seeing her death represented physically and visually and I was not ready for that. I had already seen it happen, I didn't need it verified.

I was at work for the majority the rest of the night and that was okay... three Mormon's came in and I got to hear some really interesting defense for their church. I think I judged them a little too quickly last night because I immediately thought it was stupid but upon further contemplation I realized that I don't actually hate it. I just don't like it. I also feel bad because for 75% of the time I was listening I was actually mesmerized by the cheek bone structure of Elder Fronk. Can Mormons be gay? Or metro? Or Abercrombie models? I hope he can at least be ONE of those things when he is done because he will be damn good at any of them. Pretty thing.

I got home late and I was very sad. I was sitting at the laptop in the kitchen, just finishing dinner and everyone was kind of quite. Mom was sitting across from me and all of a sudden Sasha came running and jumped on the sofa, ears back and tail down. Dale comes storming in from the back with something in his hand and is yelling at Sasha. He then proceeds to shove SHIT in her MOUTH and starts telling her that she'll learn not to go to the bathroom in the house. I lost it. I literally lost it. I did not yell, I did not scream. All I did was start crying. Uncontrollably. I got a tissue and washed Sasha's face off and just held her because she was so upset. Or maybe I was upset and she was upset because I was upset. My mom was livid. Her and Dale start yelling at each other. I couldn't stop crying. Mom kept trying to talk to me and calm me down but I couldn't stop crying. I then realize that not only am I upset about Sasha but I now miss my pug because as I look around the room, my pug is not here. I then lose it even more. An hour later I am able to dry my eyes and try to go to bed. But I don't. I go in my living room where Pea is and I then remember that Kahluah is gone. I ask my mom how old Pea is and she says ten. I lose it AGAIN. Kahluah was only nine. I cry until almost midnight, just me and my Sweet Pea. During all of this I see a picture of Honey that only makes me sadder.

In the middle of all of this I get into a sort-of-fight with Lukas and Ethan but I cannot make myself care because I am SO incredibly sad that all that matters is missing my dog. And tonight things are just as sad. I'm not crying but there is an urn sitting four feet away that has my precious pug in it. I cannot bring myself to look at it. Maybe it's because I haven't lost someone in awhile that meant so much to me, but I had forgotten what this sadness is like.

This is morbid to event type but I had also never seen a living thing die. Watching life leave her was so easy, so peaceful and yet, so hard. I have not stopped thinking about death since. I am now terrified to even talk about but I can't stop thinking about it. I have always been afraid of death but now ever more. And how I'm going to die. Am I going to get cancer? Am I going to suffer? What can I do? I'm sure this will fade... at least I hope.

For tonight, I just miss my dog.

To My Precious Pug

To My Sweet and Loyal Companion,

How do you write a letter to say goodbye to someone who means more to you than many words can describe? Some might say that it's silly to become so upset over the passing of a pet, and the same may say it's crazy to write a letter to a pet posthumously but I say that where you are now, you can read. And if you cannot read, you can at the very least feel love with every keystroke that I make.

I remember the night you were brought home; you made me the happiest little girl in the entire world. We all sat on the floor, toe-to-to encircling you, watching you run around playfully and joyously. We thought about names. I said, "She looks like a bear. Winnie the Pooh likes honey. She's even the COLOR of honey." And Honey Pooh became your name; Honey for short.

After that night, our hearts were marked. There was no turning back and you were ours. You were so energetic. You would run around the whole house... especially after a bath. You did not like being wet and as soon as you could, you would shake as hard as you could and you would run everywhere trying to get the water away from you. It was always so funny.

I can remember giving you too much turkey one Thanksgiving and you slept for SO LONG. We were worried but at the same time, it was hysterical. Your snores filled the whole house and I will forever miss the noise that you made, which was loud but comforting somehow.

When my grandmother came home from the hospital, you made your purpose in life known (as if we had any doubt previously, it was now solidified): you were a happiness maker. She stepped in the house after a noticeably long absence and you gave her a homecoming worthy of tears, smiles and praise. You ran EVERYWHERE... all around the house, all around the room. She smiled SO big. That's one of the most vivid memories I have of her happiness, and it was all because of you.

As you got older, you stayed sweet. When we got new puppies you never complained. You were still our sweet, faithful Honey. And you were protective. You may have been small and your bark may have been more cute than scary, but to the best of your little ability, you made sure that your family was okay. When Pea or Sasha was playing too rough for your liking, you would always start barking like crazy... you hated when Sasha would jump on me. I will always miss your possessive bark and passionate waddle to the "danger".

You loved popcorn, your belly being rubbed and laying in the sun. You never wanted to be alone. Your best friend was a boxer that in her youth terrorized you, but in her adult years became your day-time companion. You were never told to "get down" when you jumped up to get some table scraps because who could yell at such a cute face? In your younger years, you knew sign language and all it took was a "daddy's home!" to get you rocketing towards the door. You were faithful to my mom until the very end. You stayed by her side when she was by herself and never complained when you forced to find a new napping spot when she would move rooms.

Two days ago I saw you at your most fragile and most vulnerable... you were not feeling well and it was not going to improve. You laid on the table, and we were by your side the whole time. You didn't fight it; you were ready to go. In 14 years you never left our side. You chased away those you thought meant harm, you cuddled when we just needed love and you knew that sometimes just being there was enough. And we did the same, we did not leave you. You felt our loving touch until you were no longer here and I hope so desperately that you felt 14 years of love in those final kisses and fur strokes.

I miss you but I will not say I "loved" you, because my love for you will never stop. You were beautiful, kind, sweet, humble and funny. You were the best dog in the whole world and I will never love a more loyal, friendly, kind and happy dog as you. 'Thank You' doesn't seem to be enough but for you I am so, so thankful. You gave much more than anyone could have ever expected.

<3 Olivia

P.S. I'm so sorry I left you outside that one time. I hope you felt how bad I felt for you, and that you forgave me. But I know you did... because that's what a faithful dog does <3 I'll miss you my sweet, four-legged best friend.

March Madness

When I say the word March, not much really comes to mind except "March Madness". I don't really like basketball and I couldn't tell you who's in the sweet sixteen right now, but that's really all I think about. The holidays that I think of are St.Patrick's Day (which I find ridiculous) and Shrove Tuesday/Ashe Wednesday which are both rather somber Christian holidays. The beginning of Spring is in March as well as a time change, but really those things seem to come and go with little celebration. March, to me, has always been a rather mundane month.

Please acknowledge the word "been" in the aforementioned sentence because March of 2011 has been anything but mundane. March started off on the worst possible note that I could have ever imagined. I specifically remember my life on March 1st. I was feeling the worst that I had felt in a very long time. It honestly felt like there wasn't a "bright side" to my life and if I had never been at a point of despair and discouragement before, I certainly became acquainted with both experiences that day. There were so many emotions that I could not rationalize on that day that I can so miraculously recall in hindsight. Before writing this, I went and read the blog I had posted on that very day (actually both of them) and while I was reading them, I could have cried. I remember the turmoil I felt, the anxiety and the fear. I remember feeling very alone and very afraid; it was the worst day I had had in a very long time.

I came into work that day very upset. It was Tuesday which is my very least favorite day of the week and I simply didn't want to work. For months now I've been working 36 hours a week and on that day, I was exhausted. I came in with an attitude and intended to leave with one; I knew I wasn't going to have a good night. I remember that we weren't very busy. My emotions had been building for days and a tweet from my best friend triggered my breaking point. I don't remember exactly what it said, but it infuriated me. I remember feeling like (and I don't exactly know why) that our friendship was on the brink of ending; that it was winding down. I called E and I cried for an hour. I cried about how I was being taken advantage of at work, about how my dad didn't really love me anymore (lame, I know), about how I felt completely left out of my best friend's life. I cried about how much I was going to miss E when he was gone and I cried about how I was missing so much at LR. I was full of self pity and regret and anger and fear. And I hung up with him and I cried for another hour. I didn't know what else to do with myself.

The next day I remember Ethan calling me, letting me cry and vent, and telling me to pray. As I wrote previously, it was a vital moment in my life. I prayed that night and while things didn't get better immediately, I felt a sense of peace. Lukas and I continued to fight/not speak/that weird thing we do for days when we're fighting by not speaking. We made up kind of eventually. I got this ballin' penguin that I really love and a card that I love even more. E and I went bowling with him, and it was the most awkward night ever. We were not ourselves; things seemed different and I cried again that night. I don't handle change well. Luckily, I think that was just the awkward "we just fought but heyyyy!"stage and it passed. Literally a week a later E & I celebrated L's birthday and it was lovely. In the middle of all of this, however, I was forced to realize E would really be deploying soon and it just hit me hard. It was a really rough week.

But through all of this, I've begun to grow closer to God. I suppose God knows what He's doing (I mean, He is omnipotent) because it is so easy to run to Him when things are going wrong. So it only makes sense to mold me while I'm at my weakest, and at my weakest I have been. I do not believe that "everything happens for a reason" but I do believe that God uses everything that happens for His reason. I have prayed a lot more than I ever have and I've never felt quite so content before. I have been able to be a witness to many people this month, many more than I have in my lifetime. I have made realizations about myself and those that I surround myself with and I've made decisions about how I want each person to be in my life. I've grown closer to Ethan in three weeks than we had grown in months; how lucky am I to know the love of my life at twenty?

Today was an awesome day for me. After finding out some shady things that deal with work this weekend, I decided that it was time for me to take charge of what happens with 'me'. I am overworked and I have missed out on far too much and it isn't happening anymore. While this summer is still debatable, this fall my schedule will be:

Monday: 1:30-9:30
Tuesday: off
Wednesday: 1:30 - 9:30
Thursday: off
Friday: 1:30 - 9:30
Saturday: off
Sunday: off

...Wait, does that say I'm off FOUR out of SEVEN days?! Yes, yes it does. My computer almost auto-corrected all of that because it isn't used to my hours NOT equaling 36 hours over six days a week. My life is about to become mine again.

I have discovered so much this month; I have found out that I have beautiful friends that I love like family, I have a relationship with Jesus that is growing and interesting, I have THE most amazing boyfriend in the entire world and I have my life ahead of me to live. March has been wonderful, so far.

I needed a reminder.

29Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. 30Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Let me hold your crown, babe.

I really really love this song.

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything


You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe

-Sara Bareilles

For once.

For once, I am at a loss for words.

...and tonight I read Job.

February was a really rough month. It was probably the loneliest month that I've spent in awhile because it was also the busiest. Everyone I know has been caught up with work and school, and I have been no exception. Even my weekends have been spent working or trying to make ends meet. Rarely have I found myself waking up and being able to do something that I want to do, and I'm okay with that. Life happens quickly and I'm learning to roll with the punches.

Today was a particularly tough day. I'm struggling with finding balance in my every day life, within every aspect of it. I thought I was covering things up pretty well until this afternoon one of my customers said, "Honey, why aren't you happy?" I told her I was just tired and she said, "I was in here last night and you weren't happy then, either. Are you sure you're okay?" What do you say to that? I told her again that I was fine and that I was just tired. But she saw right through me. I think everyone has to have rough times to appreciate the good times... right now, it's rough.

I was cleaning at work and it had been a long day. My phone rings and it's E. He's so perky and says, "Bug, just talk about what you need to talk about." I needed that so much. I needed a voice that had compassion and the reminder that he was there. I cried. I fought with myself. I rationalized. I read text messages out loud. I cussed about work. I felt like giving up. And then, something phenomenal happened. He was so calm and so assertive. He said, "I want you to read Job." I didn't know what to think. Ethan and I have always been walking on two different roads when it comes to our faith. When he's immersed in it, I'm abandoning it and when I'm showing interest he is not. Then he said, "I know you're going to want to know why I told you to read Job. [Insert synopsis of Job here]. And this has everything to do with you. Even when you're feeling down, like nothing is working and your faith is being tried, you must have perseverance."

I have never been able to cry tears of sadness and sorrow and within minutes tears of joy. Here it is. The next step in our relationship. This is Ethan being my rock. This is where the logic of me being his "help meet" actually starts to make sense. This is husband material. It isn't that we didn't love each other before now, but now, the foundation is clear and it is solid; our faith does not define who we are solely as individuals, but who we will be as a couple. This is a new kind of love.

Tonight, I'm still sad. I'm still scared, frustrated, angry, nervous, sick and disappointed. But tonight, I am reading Job.

Oh, and one more thing.

...I also hate it when you walk in here seeing everything clean, order something and then say, 'Oh, I didn't realize you were already closing up."
...I also hate that I feel like I'm *SCREAMING* for your attention.
...I also hate how I'm going to go home and Sasha Fierce is going to beg me to play with her but I'll only do it for five minutes because I'm so tired.
...I also hate how I say I'm tired and people think I should shut up because I work in a place where I can do whatever. Guess what? No, I can't. I'm forced to deal with idiots all day and it's mentally exhausting. Then I'm stuck cleaning for TWO hours NON STOP and I don't feel like doing it when I get home.
...I also hate how Kate has NOT called Alan yet.
...I also hate crying at work.
...I also hate everything else that I didn't list.

I'm upset.

Because...
...I haven't had time to clean my room in 9385093845 years.
...I'm working so much that I'm getting disorganized with school.
...I have not had time to work out so I still look like a fucking cow.
...I haven't hung out with my best friend in SO long. We've been through a fucking ton and I just need some us time because quite honestly, no matter what, I really really love that time.
...I spent two nights at E's house and now I want to wake up everyday with him just two feet away.
...I've got so much studying to do.
...I'm having to make up reasons to get ONE night off of work.
...36 hours a week is TOO FUCKING MUCH for a FULL TIME STUDENT.
...AND NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE.
...I'm ranting. I feel like am emotional WRECK. I need PEOPLE.
...I feel like my boyfriend, best friend, closest friends, and family are all so busy and so used to be having little meltdowns that nothing I say even matters anymore.
...Customers are RUDE.
...IF you order a drink and then you GO SIT DOWN, DON'T EXPECT FAST SERVICE. I AM NOT A WAITRESS. Don't get mad at me for serving the person who was behind you in line FIRST because he had the patience to WAIT for it. Rude old man.
...I miss being able to go home after class, take a nap and be PRODUCTIVE afterward instead of making that nap my bedtime.
...I want to lose weight SO badly. I was thin at one point. WTF happened?
...I need a hug, motherfuckers.