Born to serve.

I was crossing the street to my apartment this afternoon when I noticed a man with a cane cross the street. We ended practically at the same point on the sidewalk when I noticed who he was. I didn't actually know him, but reality washed over me when I realized I could. He wore an Operation Enduring Freedom hat and walked swiftly, not letting his injury slow him down.

I sort of stared at him before saying hello and then broke out into tears. He looked at me like I was a disturbed crack addict, and I'm pretty sure I gave him the motivation to walk faster. I ran up to my apartment and just rationalized. He could have totally sprained an ankle earlier today, hurt his back playing football with his little brothers or been in a minor car accident. Maybe. But maybe he was injured on his deployment.

And I get that it happens but my GOD can I go just one day without a reminder? Yes, I bring a lot of it on myself and no, I'm not the only person to think like this but I feel like November has been a constant month of just fear. I wasn't this afraid in the beginning.

So then I was walking home from the gym tonight and I was just staring at the sidewalk and I imagined what it must be like to just wonder. What if I stepped right there and the whole thing exploded? How do our guys do it? How does the concept of route clearance not strike fear into them to the point they freeze and shut down? Courage like that isn't taught. It can't be drilled into them during training. They're born to serve. They have to be.

My husband is the bravest person I know.

An Effort to be Positive

I have nothing of real value to write about this morning and to be honest, I have a lot of work to do. I figured that before I start acting like an adult, I could write down a few things that were actually really good about this past week. I'm sometimes a Negative Nancy and have to remind myself to be positive. Here's my latest attempt:

 - Last night, for the first time ever, I ventured downtown - and by "ventured" I mean I mean I walked out my front door - to see the Christmas lights come on around the square. It was underwhelming at best but Santa totally came to town on a freaking tractor so what's there really to complain about?

- I officially made it through Thanksgiving without losing my mind, even though I definitely came close once or twice.

- I saw Twilight Breaking Dawn Part Two twice and even though it wasn't as good as I built it up to be in my head, the fact that there was an Amazonian Tyra Banks vampire made it all okay. That and I totally have a girl crush on Kristen Stewart now. Don't even hate.

-Even though I ate way more than normal this past week, I managed to not gain any weight. I originally thought I had lost a total of 20 pounds so far but it's only 19.

-Speaking of losing weight, I'm making December a month of total crazy workout and dieting. No it's not ideal and yes it's probably "too fast" but my goal is to lose 21 pounds from now until December 31st. That would be a total of 40 pounds and would leave 60 to go before Ethan comes home.

- I spent lots of time with my best friend which was great, because even though he has no idea, just being around him helped me make lots of decisions about things I've remained so uncertain of lately. I love how some people just have a presence that makes it possible for you to make sense of things.

-  I've changed the way I think about my husband and this deployment in a really good way. I used to get so upset because I'd leave him a message, see that he had read it but left no response. I would feel so rejected and hurt. And then I had a slap in the face moment. He read the messages, and that means he's alive. I should celebrate every time he reads it, whether he responds or not.

- We're officially 40% done with this deployment... so far to go but my gosh, I can remember when we were at one tiny percent.


So I guess despite the fact that in many ways Thanksgiving was a super shitty week of sad, there were some bright spots that really made all the difference.

And for that, I really am thankful.

If I Could Give Myself Advice

If I could go back in time and give myself advice for how to handle the week of Thanksgiving, here's what I would say:

1. I know you really like Army Wives and that you're trying to get caught up on the seasons, but when you're missing your husbad the most, please don't watch season five. Not only will you watch two men dressed in greens show up at one of your favorite character's houses, you will hear them tell her that her son was killed and then, because you are a glutton for punishment, you will watch his funeral and listen to the letter he left in his foot locker be read in his voice and you will bawl your fucking eyes out. And it's because you will be too stupid to realize it's a bad fucking idea. Avoid this show for the week of Thanksgiving. It is a total mood killer.

2. Thanksgiving is as dumb as you remember it every single year. It's a holiday that few people actually enjoy, that people spend way too much time cooking for ( cooking food that you don't even like, by the way), and it will not magically transform into an awesome holiday so don't feel bad about dreading it.

3. You do not have to go to every house that you are expected to go to. Even though you're going to do it for the sake of your husband, it isn't worth your worry because while you might be making everyone else happy, you're only going to drive yourself crazy rushing from place to place. Pick two places. People will deal.

4. If and when a prayer is said at the family dinner and they do not address your husband, your husband's service or the fact that maybe just maybe we should be thankful for something other than stuffing our faces, just stay calm. Stay calm. Not only is it not worth getting upset over, but you now have a legitimate reason to open your mouth and get sassy the next time someone pisses you off. This can be morphed into a good thing. 

5. You don't like turkey. Stop eating it. 

6. You are going to cry more on Thanksgiving than you have since your husband left. You will cry getting ready, in the car, when you see his dad (because he looks just like him), when you leave his grandparent's house and then, as if you hadn't cried enough, you will get drunk and sob on your floor to your best friend like a complete idiot. It will be therapeutic and embarrassing and the best thing you could have done for yourself. Crying is totally fine on Thanksgiving.

7. Speaking of your best friend, you're going to be completely reminded of why your best friend is still your best friend and it will make your heart s m i l e even when you don't feel like anything can be right with the world. Just go with it and hold on to it, because it's one of those things that you're going to end up being most thankful for.

8. Your husband isn't going to magically surprise you like a super cute You Tube video. You already know this but that teeny tiny hope that you'll at least hear from him via a face book message or short phone call will also be smashed and it will break your little heart. But whatever you do, don't not hope. Even when you're disappointed, you must remember that there is never a crime in hoping.

9. For every ounce of sadness you have because your husband won't be home, there are two ounces of love for him in your heart. If you didn't love him, you wouldn't miss him. The fact that you have someone in your life that you love so much is enough reason to celebrate. Don't forget that distance doesn't take away what's in your heart.

10. Speaking of your husband, you're going to think about him roughly 9234592345 times a day. Don't fight it. Embrace it. You have found the one whom your soul loves.

Thanksgiving is another day down. Keep on keeping on.

How can I change her heart?

Last week I went to a birthday party for one of Ethan's cousins and while I was just standing around awkwardly - because what are adults really supposed to do a kid's party anyway? - I struck up a conversation with one of my favorite young ladies. I believe she's in middle school and through the five years Ethan and I have been together, I have watched her transformation from a little kid into a beautiful pre-teen who has a truly bright future. 

Her family is strong - the strongest kinds of strong that only a military family can posses. I'm in awe of how they've held themselves together through multiple deployments only to come out of it with a heart that's still soft enough to help others; they've recently become a foster family and I'm envious of their ability to help so many people just by opening their front door. 

But last week, my heart was truly hurt. As this young girl was telling me about the newest foster child they were caring for, she spoke of a haunting past. It made me sad to think this little child had been through so much at such a young age, and just when I thought it was over, I was told that there was something else. This baby used live with her aunt. The girl who was speaking then said that what came next was disgusting. She made a face as if to insinuate being sick and I braced myself. Had this poor baby been the victim of rape? Had someone shook this child? Drugs in the home? 

No. What was disgusting was that she lived with her aunt and her aunt's partner.

I was in shock. I nodded my head, looked to another adult to continue a new conversation and held back tears. I got to my car and I couldn't stop them. I just cried and cried as I drove home because I couldn't understand what I had just heard. This beautiful young girl stood in front of me,  and yet the words that flowed were filled with homophobia and disgust. I knew her family was conservative, as are most of Ethan's relatives, but I didn't know it was taken this far. 

My mind immediately ran to my best friend. I've brought him around these people and trusted that it was a safe environment. Was I wrong? Is that really what they think about gay people and those who have children? Then I thought of his sweet aunts, who just welcomed a beautiful baby girl not even a year ago. How could such a beautiful family be viewed as anything but just that? What was disgusting? To this exact moment I can't process it.

What are we teaching our children? I know that not everyone agrees that "gay is okay" but when did the term disgusting become okay to use when we're talking about real people? 

I can't get this day out of my head. What can I do to fix this? How can I change the heart of someone who simply doesn't know any better? I'm so lost. I can't even grasp the concept that she is just one thousands.

It's devastating and I feel helpless. 

Patience & Good Cheer

The closer it gets to Christmas, the more I'm trying to soften my heart and really make an effort to be kinder and more compassionate. It isn't just because the holidays are coming up, it's also because in the past month I've noticed myself becoming more and more intolerant, irritable and if I have to be honest, completely resentful.

I love to see people I love happy and in relationships, and I get that arguing with your significant other is completely normal, but sometimes it's super hard for me to try and relate. Just a week ago I was with two friends who were planning a trip and they were just not getting along. I tried to be supportive, I genuinely cared about their problems and at the same time I was just on the verge of screaming, "You're right beside each other! You're not 7,000 miles away! What problem could you possibly have that you can't resolve with a hug?" 

Completely irrational. I know. I get it. It's sort of like when I see a happy couple out in public and I want to just vomit. I get so resentful when I just see simple displays of affection because I miss it. I miss it so freaking much. I miss my husband's touch and I'm not even talking about sex. I miss holding his hand and having him come up behind me and wrap his arms around me. 

It's also sort of like when I hear someone tell me they miss someone who lives within driving distance. Or in the same state. Or on the same fucking continent. I internally give a death stare that could probably take out the taliban on its own. It's totally unfair of me and I am trying so hard, but it's super tough. Some days are better than others and I'm trying to really remember what this sacrifice is for.

I'm trying to remember that every night I go to sleep alone, it's another night that others can sleep safely with their spouses and their kids. I'm reminding myself that this isn't forever and that he'll be home soon. That in the end, it will all be worth it when I've got my husband back home, safe and sound.

So if I seem a little on edge or my fuse a tad short, try to give me a little slack. I'm really trying hard and it's just not an easy journey.

Here's to practicing patience and spreading good cheer.

Random Things

I'm procrastinating at work but my mind is running in a bunch of different directions so instead of blogging a real blog I'm just going to list random thoughts in my head:

- I'm thinking of going back to school because I don't think I'm going to magically fall in love with my current "profession" anytime soon. Better late than ever, right?

- I worked out last night for an hour and the machine said I burned 700 calories so I'm not going to call it a liar. YAY for doing what I said I'd do.

- I absolutely cannot believe that Thanksgiving is next week and I'm a crummy wife because I just now sent E's care package. Ooops.

- Pinterest is KILLING ME with their recipes and I keep repinning things that make me so freaking hungry.

- I'm actually going home for lunch today which is super weird. I never do that.

End of Week Six: Progress, Progress, Progress

It feels absolutely super fantastic for me to be able to say that as of today, I have officially been on a diet for six weeks. That's roughly five weeks and six days longer than I've managed stay on a diet at any point in the last four years, so it's definitely worth celebrating for five seconds.

As of this morning I've lost 15.2 pounds, which is progress but not the progress that I was completely hoping for in the beginning. The last time I went all out for working out and losing weight, I was averaging about four pounds a week. I do have to keep in mind that I was doing things really differently then, and probably what most would consider unhealthily. Either way, I'm about five pounds away from being on "track" so this next week is going to be excruciating in terms of staying on my diet and working out - every day.

And now that I reflect back on the last six weeks, I really feel like I have no room to complain about progress. I've probably given myself at least one day a week where I didn't really watch what I ate, and for the last week I've been slacking with MyFitnessPal. I've also only been to the gym maybe four times. I know. Shame, shame. So in reality, the fact that I've been able to lose 15 pounds without really doing much is pretty darn impressive. And it's rather motivating!

The only thing I wish I would have done so far is take pictures before, because I can't really see a difference but I think that's mainly because I see myself everyday. One person who wouldn't know I was trying to lose weight has said they thought I looked smaller, which was a big deal.

Lukas came over this week and I completely forgot to take down this chart thing that I record what I weigh every day so, Lukas, if you read this, it's your problem to deal with me telling you every time I hit some awesome goal of mine... I won't even let my husband know how much I weigh. My bad.

Here are the six things I learned in the first six weeks of weight loss:

1. Measuring food is kind of time consuming but totally worth it.
2. My scale does not lie no matter how many times I accuse it of lying to me.
3. Salads are only healthy if you don't put a shit ton of unhealthy things on them.
4. 1200 calories a day is more than enough to stay full if you dont use 1000 of them in one meal.
5. Water honest to goodness makes the biggest difference in the entire world.
6. Your body will actually appreciate it when you give it good things - who would have thought?!

So here's to the next six weeks of changin'. I'm setting the following goals because I'm ready to get a little more serious about this whole thing.

1. Absolutely no fast food unless it's the occasional - and very, vey occasional - trip to Subway. If I'm going to eat out, which is totally okay sometimes, I need to do it in a place where I can actually sit down, plan/figure out the best option and enjoy what I eat instead of ordering without thinking and eating my day in calories before realizing what happened.

2. Working out four days a week - no exceptions. I actually had a fight with myself about whether or not I should type three days or four days, but four days won because that's what's going to yield results. I'm going to be more specific and say that I need to work out for at least an hour four days a week. My God. I must hate myself... or love myself. I can't tell which one that is right now.

3. Vitamins every day, even though it's like swallowing bowling balls.

4. Making breakfast liquid - at least for the next three weeks. Smoothies, slim fast, whatever.

And since I'm obviously in the mood to make lists, here are the random pieces of knowledge nuggets going through my brain:

1. Mariska Roo is being way too good tonight and I have no idea what she's done wrong but it's got to be something horrible.

2. I spent a stupid amount of money on things for care packages today but it was totally worth it.

3. I made these homemade fruit snacks tonight and they turned out decently enough... not as firm as I would have liked but they work.

4. Yes, I know it's Veteran's Day and I just couldn't bring myself to write about it. It was a totally unexpected emotional day that started with me crying in church during prayer time and a very nice lady hugging me through it. I really don't know what came over me, but I didn't see it coming.

5. I'm still completely and totally thankful for the sacrifices of our troops and today marks Ethan being gone for 102 days... but who's keeping count?



Okay, until next time, here's the best "before" picture I could find that was taken. I was probably at my heaviest in this picture but I really can't tell... I as wearing one of those things that sucks in your fat. No big.

Four More Years

I've been meaning to write since Wednesday morning, but I'm embarrassed to say I've been putting it off. I feel like I should have a lot to say after the elections on Tuesday, but really, I don't. It's no secret that I'm pretty liberal and It's even less of a secret that I voted for Obama again.

Four years ago I was so politically active and very excited to vote, but this year was quite different. While I still care a great deal about who is elected on both local and national levels, I found it difficult to really get motivated this time around.

I did manage to voice my opinion after seeing a rather ridiculous sign in a window near my apartment:

And I also voted early (on my birthday to be exact):

On election night, my sister and I had a few glasses bottles of wine while we nervously watched the results come in. It was honestly excruciated to watch the intial numbers come in, because Romney was leading for awhile before some of the bigger states' results poured in.

Before midnight, though, it was clear that the American people's voice was heard and I don't think I'll ever forget the rush of excitement as CNN broke into their own coverage with the announcement that they had called the presidential election and that Obama had won a second term.

With 303 electoral votes, 33 more than what was needed to secure the presidential seat, Obama remained in office and I went to bed. It was rather uneventful but I can't lie, I was very proud in that moment to know I had a very tiny part in making history once again.

I don't really want to drag this into a super political rant, but there are many reasons why I vote the way I vote.

I want to help those who are in need, feed those who are hungry and stop giving more to those who already have plenty. I want to see my best friend get married. I want to see him have kids and have complete rights to them if they aren't biologically related. I want to bring my husband home from this war and bring all of our troops home. I want to see struggling single parents have a chance at making it. I want to give women the right to choose - even if they make a decision I am 100% against - because it's their right. I want to love Jesus and let Him shine through me; I don't want to force Him on those who don't believe the same things I do. And I really think that this election was a positive step in the right direction for all of those things... at least on a national level.

So at least for another four more years, we can progress and hopefully until the next election we can come together as a nation and unify for the common goal of creating a positive nation for ourselves and future generations.

This is of course, the greatest country in the world.

Fifteen Reasons Why: Goal to Skinny

It's been a little over five weeks since I started trying to lose weight and I've done quite well with the exception of last week, when I managed to let my cheat day turn into a cheat week. I wanted to curl up into a little ball when I got on the scale yesterday morning and realized I had gained weight back from just seven days of being lazy, but decided against it in favor of pressing on. When I was contemplating just giving up, I managed to make myself remember the reasons why I wanted to start losing weight + get fit in the first place, and then thought it would be even more beneficial to write them down.

Some of my reasons are not what some people might think are good reasons; some are obviously superficial but that doesn't make them less important to me.

1. I really do want to be healthy, as a primary reason for losing weight.
2. Skinny people get to wear cuter clothes.
3. Warrior Dash 2013, please!
4. For once I'd like to not be the fat friend.
5. I want to look killer in my wedding dress when we renew our vows next October.
6. Because there is nothing sexier than a subtle v-cut on a woman.
7. I want to hear the most critical person I know tell me they think I'm beautiful.
8. I can then stop hating my skinny friends who need to lose - gasp - five pounds.
9. Sex - let's just be straight up, ok?
10. I eventually want to be able to be the best role model for my kids - a long time from now.
11. I want my husband to have a reason to find me attractive - and to believe it when he says it.
12. Mirrors will no longer be my enemy.
13. Pools, beaches and summer in general will be enjoyed not dreaded.
14. So I won't have to tilt my head at an awkward angle to take a picture without a fat face.
15. To feel less embarrassed when I meet people; cure for introversion = confidence

Just keep going.

You'll get there.

Introversion & One Bottle Of Wine Later, I Love You

It has taken me 22 years to articulate that I'm an introvert.

The best definition of introvert that I could find online says, "a person who tends to shrink from social contacts and to become preoccupied with their own thoughts." Other definitions used words like "self-centered" and I didn't appreciate it one bit.

So this past Friday, my best friend invited me to come see him. I immediately said I didn't think so, because I probably had to work the next day and then, sighed inwardly. It rolled off my tongue so easily that I got confused and actually looked at my calendar once I hung up to see if I had a meeting or something scheduled that I subconsciously knew I had to attend. Nope. It simply wasn't true. I'm so used to trying to get out of social situations for whatever reason that avoiding them is just second nature. Before I had time to change my mind, I messaged him and simply said, "Okay. I'll come."

And I went.

If I had been thinking clearly, I would have slashed my own tires for fear that this trip to Boone would be like the previous, catastrophic trip that resulted in almost an entire year of ridiculousness. If I had been a little more guarded, I would have been terrified that something would go wrong and I'd end up looking like an idiot. Luckily I don't even own a full-length mirror, because if I did, I'd have convinced myself that I didn't even look decent enough to go.

But thankfully, I wasn't thinking clearly at all. I was, for the first time in awhile, excited to see someone. I am probably fifty percent sappier and more sentimental in words than I am in real life, but it's no exaggeration when I say that I really love my best friend. And I simply wanted to see him.

I have started to realize that being an introvert explains 99% of the parts of me I don't quite like; and yes,  I don't like being an introvert. The parts of my best friend that I love the most are the parts that I envy - the personality that charms everyone he meets, the ability to adapt into any social situation he's given and his unique way to completely make you feel something that you can't always put your finger on. Over the years, I have built up a million walls around myself and he's managed to find a window and crawl through every single one with ease. There is something both refreshing and terrifying about someone knowing you better than you know yourself.



Lukas, I love you. Thanks for not giving up on me when I have long since given up on myself. Even though an entire bottle of wine can't make me chatty, I appreciate you sticking with me and letting me at least try. Because I really do try. The past few months without E here have made me appreciate so many things, and you are one of my favorite things. When it seemed like things were too crazy to fix, you simply did. When I just decided that it was best to let it go, you reminded me that things were never really gone. I will probably screw up a million more times before I'm dead, but until I'm in the ground, I'm going to keep trying to be the best friend that I can be. I will probably fail more times than I get it right, but at least my effort is yours.