An Ode To Rex

Before we got married, Ethan and I decided that I would be in charge of our finances. This was a really simple decision, honestly. Ethan admits he is terrible at managing money and bills and I find simple pleasures in creating spreadsheets and color-coding budgets.That being said, a few weeks ago when I opened our bank account online and realized that there were actually a couple zero's behind the first number (something that was an awfully rare occurrence pre-marriage), I spent an entire afternoon figuring out the pros and cons of paying off my car. Granted, the money in the bank was technically money that I made but because we're married, what's mine is ours. I talked to E and presented to him this wonderful plan of paying off not only my car, but three credit cards that I innocently managed to rack up before we got hitched. With minimal convincing needed, E simply said, You're in charge of the money... I trust your decision.. Ballin'! I resisted the urge to keep our back account looking so fluffy and immediately got online. Oh. My. Gosh. Hello, liberation! I paid off three cards - not selfishly, either. The interest would have killed us in the long run. I paid off the cards and vowed to never use them again. Bye, bye Maurices and Capitol One.

The second thing I did was get in the car and drive to the finance company that financed my car. I didn't owe too much more on the car but I was too excited to just wait it out. I paid it off and was told I had to wait about 15 days before I could get the title. And today, it was a glorious day of Title Getting.


When I got in the car and was holding it, it just hit me that it was actually mine. Sure, I had named him, but he wasn't REALLY mine until this moment. Originally, his name was Sassy Galore...because he was a drag queen, and that's an awesome name - duh. But then I got into a few little accidents and I changed his name to Rex. Get it? Because he gets into a lot of rex?


Anyway. Rex is now mine. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of actually owning my car. I bought this car on June 6, 2009... almost three years ago! Since then, we've hit a few things and driven over 41,000 miles. We've traveled through different states, carted around different people, and been washed maybe a dozen times. Rex was a rush decision, with a very expensive interest rate attached. But I wouldn't trade him for anything right now.

I've got friends who were just given cars... and for a long time I was so jealous. They would literally pull up to my house driving cars that they didn't pay a dime on. They weren't even paying for their own insurance! I just looked at Rex and thought, "You big drag queen piece of JUNK! Why couldn't you be free or new or something?!" But now? I am so glad Rex wasn't handed to me. I don't know how those people even drive those cars, honestly. And it isn't there fault, either. I mean, sure, if someone bought be car or something I would probably take it... but it wouldn't be mine. I wouldn't have worked for it... I wouldn't get to sit here today holding a title that excited me more than some episodes of Law & Order: SVU. I have literally paid for this entire car and I can't be any more proud of that. For years I struggled with working and balancing a social life and school and often wondered when it was ever going to pay off. Today, though, I figured it out. It's paying off just fine. I won't need to buy another car for several years and I intend to drive ole' Rexy until his wheels fall off. Then, I'll probably buy him some new wheels.

Rex, I love you. I don't say it enough, but I really do. You're a good little car and one day, when my kids whine and complain about buying their first car, I shall take out my photo album, or this blog or something (or go out to the driveway) and introduce them to you. Then they will understand why it's so important to work for things in life. Actually, they'll still probably complain but I don't care. Because I'll still have you :)

To the road ahead.

For the sake of honesty, here's a side of my life I've tried hard to sweep under the rug. It might not be pretty, but it's life.

When I first found out that Ethan was deploying, I was in so much denial. I can remember exactly where I was standing when I found out that things weren't going to work out with RTOC in Charlotte. I was in Hobby Lobby, just putting down a sign that said, "Go ARMY" after telling someone that it would look cool in my house. Oh, the irony. I didn't really cry when I found out, but the days that followed were mind numbing. I wanted to figure out a way to get him out of the deployment and I was furious that he didn't really want to follow along with my plan. He wanted to go. Emotionally, I took that as a sign that he didn't want to be home with me. That he didn't care if something bad happened. That he didn't care it was ruining my (overly dramatic at times) life.

Of course, being a combat engineer is his job and why wouldn't he want to do it? The opportunity to travel, experience a world that doesn't exist here and figure out (maybe) a little of what life is really all about... why wouldn't he want to go? Well because I won't be there... duh.

But as plans were being made to prepare for deployment, it started settling in that his time to head off to war was coming. I busied myself with getting married, being in school and balancing a hectic lifestyle while being a wife. Maybe, I thought, if life gets too hectic, he'll have to stay. But alas, time hasn't really stopped. My busy schedule has not stalled the impending departure and I'm figuring out that ready or not - my husband is leaving all too soon.

In the middle of this, a very large rift has occurred between me and my best friend. I won't get into the details because he reads this, and so do his friends apparently. But I couldn't for the life of me understand why I was taking it so hard. It didn't seem normal. Here I was, this "strong" woman, crying over someone who literally wasn't giving a second thought to our apparent separation as friends. Why couldn't I do that? It hit me as to why though, during a huge argument I had with Ethan. E couldn't understand why I had let it get to me so much and he was beginning to grow frustrated with my sadness. I blurted it out before I even realized what I had said: You're leaving, Ethan! Do you realize that before you're even gone, by biggest support bailed? Damn. I didn't mean it. Did I? Yes, I did. I thought that my best friend was truly going to help get me through the deployment... be a support system, etc. But the facts were hitting me like a ton of bricks. There was no support for my marriage, we hadn't been talking like "friends" in weeks, and things weren't going to change just because my husband was leaving the country. I had thought of him as my family. I didn't think you could "grow apart" from family. With cool words and a distance in conversation I never thought would come, I had to just finally let it go. I cried in E's arms and let so much emotion out. I realized it wasn't just about Lukas. Yes, it hurt, but it was about so much more.

I'm truly terrified. I'm not saying that it's okay to think worst case scenario, but let's face it: being a soldier comes with risk. There is a chance that my husband might not come home. For the next year, I will wake up every day praying to God that Ethan is safe and out of harms way, shielded from an enemy who also wakes up daily with the task of destroying our troops. And I'm so, so scared. Yes, I have faith in God. Yes, I trust his training. Yes, I know that I could walk outside in five minutes and get by a bus. But none of that takes away the fear I have. So when I realized I was losing my best friend, it was really about my fear of losing period. I've lost so much in life. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot, too... but I know loss and right now, I am not in a good place to be losing anything.

At one point, Lukas told me that I was just a very negative person and he didn't need my negativity because it brought him down. I knew in my heart that I had been very depressed for a long time, but the words felt heavy and the reality was unsettling. My fear and my anxiety really were taking over, and it's already cost me someone that I truly didn't want to lose. For so many reasons, I don't want to take anti-depressants. Lately, I've been making some lifestyle changes that I pray work to help me feel better. But I'm just now starting a very long journey to getting back to myself.

I can't deny that I'm still very shaken. I'm a nervous wreck, sometimes. I can't watch the news without my stomach turning in knots and I've already started to realize that it's going to be a very, very tough year ahead. But such is life, with turns and curves that you never expect. Mountains that we later realize were simply hills and we run into plains that we didn't seem to notice were inclined. Time continues - it gets us through the good and sails us through the bad.



Here's to the road ahead.

Who Saved Who?

I'm mainly writing this as an update because I didn't want to go too much longer without posting. I hate when I have weeks between posts... it makes me feel like I'm an awful blogger.

Probably the biggest thing that's happened in the past few days is the newest addition to my little family, Mariska.

A few days ago, I was on Facebook and happened to see a post by a friend, Tim Elliot, who was advocating for the adoption of several animals from the Gaston County Animal Control. Scheduled for euthanization the next day, these puppies only had a few hours left before their fate would be decided. The main dogs that caught my eye were a litter of labs. Reminded me of my Sasha, I called for hours trying to get through to see if they had been "pardoned", but never got ahold of anyone. Wanting only to rescue the dogs and then find a home for them later, I convinced E to drive me to Gastonia to check on them.

Once we got there, the conditions were so much worse than I imagined. We found out when we got there that the labs were still there, but were likely to be picked up the next day by a rescue group. We then asked for a list of all dogs on the Euthanization list for the next day. She didn't want to give it to us and then asked us what kind of dog we were looking for. Not seeming to understand that we were trying to save a puppy from death row, we went back and forth until she finally relinquished the list. We were escorted back to the dogs and were appalled at how they were kept. The lighting was so dim, the noises were terrible and the dogs had used the bathroom all over the place with no one cleaning it up. Some dogs had food, but others seemed hungry.

Ethan spotted a pair of puppies in a corner of one of the kennels... they weren't begging for attention and didn't seem to understand the position they were in. Perhaps, though, they did and wanted it to come sooner. It seemed they were living in a Hell on earth. We learned that of the two puppies, the male had been selected to be adopted but the girl was still up for grabs. She had a cherry eye, fleas and scratches; obviously malnourished, this boxer/pit bull was an unlikely candidate for adoption, considering she only had two hours left before he final fate was decided.

We agonized over what to do. We had come to rescue a puppy but this one seemed rather high maintenance. Could we afford the $90 adoption fee and then the surgery to fix her eye? We went back to talk to the lady at the front desk and inquired about having them let us get her spayed on our own at our personal veterinarian office. She left us for a few minutes and then waved us to a back room. She told us that the puppy we were interested in was an owner surrender, who had until five that day to come back and get her. The owner cited her reason for leaving the puppies as not being able to take them when she moved away. We were told we could foster the dog until 5 that day, under the condition that if the owner came back we would have to give the dog back, but if the owner didn't show, she was ours to keep free of charge. With 45 minutes until 5, we left the shelter with the dog.

But we weren't going to keep her. Noooo. This was a rescue. The plan was to keep her, take her to the vet, get the surgery done and find someone to take her who was willing to help reimburse us for the cost of her medical bills, if affordable. HA! In the office of the animal control, before we left, Ethan started bribing me by letting me name her Mariska... after the one and only Mariska Hargitay of course:



On the way home, we had to stop and buy dawn dish soap because she had fleas, and Ethan picked out this cute little pink collar with a bell on it. We got her home and within a few minutes it was pretty obvious she wasn't going anywhere. The first night we had her, E made her a little 'crib' and put it beside our bed. This contraption lasted all of about ten minutes before she was snuggled up between the two of us. This habit has remained for all five nights that she's been "home" and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

Mariska had her first vet appointment today and we learned she was only about 12 weeks old and was relatively healthy considering what she had been through. She's got some worms that are easily treatable, needs to gain some weight and has a bit of a vitamin deficiency. All things that are quick fixes. Her eye will wait until about May to be fixed so she only has to go through a single round of surgery time... she'll get spayed during the same visit. Since her eye is just a cosmetic issue and doesn't bother her at all, we'll just embrace her little red eye as a part of her cute little personality until we can get her patched up.



Spoiled rotten, I tell you. She came at a such a perfect time. I was actually coming down with bronchitis which turned into pneumonia when we got her, and she was the perfect little cuddle buddy. E was off work for the first five nights she was home, so I had him to take care of me and little Mariska to make sure I was warm and snuggled just right. After going through a really tough month with a lot of depression issues, this little girl truly took my mind off things. She brought me a lot of happiness where I was missing it. She brought my husband and a little closer together and put my heart in a better place. She saved me as much as I saved her, I think. She's going to be a very nice addition to our little family.

Call Me Judgmental.

Something has been on my mind for the past days I can't seem to shake it. Recently, I was talking to some friends and somehow we got on the topic of Christianity and marriage. I think we were discussing two mutual friends who were going through a divorce, and I commented that neither were Christians and that if they were, it might have had a stronger chance. I also made the comment that I didn't understand how marriages who didn't center around Christ worked... that the quality of that marriage is not the same as the quality of a Christian marriage. Holy backlash, Batman. That didn't go over well and I was quickly told that I was being judgmental. This bothered me greatly... I felt like I was stating a fact, not an opinion of my own. So for the past few days I've done research on marriage. Maybe, I thought, I was wrong. Perhaps I really was being judgmental and I needed a reality check. So I'll start from the beginning of what I found, and coincidentally (or is it?) it starts with The Beginning.

In Genesis 2:22-24, we find a passage that shows us how God designed the institution that is marriage:

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

I wanted to stop my search here. In the second chapter of Genesis, God tells us exactly what marriage is. It doesn't instruct us on how to maintain the marriage, but it tells us what marriage is. It is ordained by God. I wanted to use this as an argument because it points out that marriage is an institution of the the Church, not of the world. Unfortunately, the original point I was making was that Christian marriages are of higher quality than non-Christian marriages. I made no argument of who designed marriage, and my friend didn't either. So I kept searching.

I came across a widely misunderstood passage in Ephesians 5:22-33:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This isn't talking about what a marriage is, this is the very core of marriage. This is instruction on how a marriage is to be maintained.. to recap, God created marriage in Genesis and now, He's telling us how to make it successful. So many people have this hang up with the word "submissive" when it comes to wives. I don't want to get into the meaning behind submission and what it means to me and my marriage, but I'll say that it doesn't have anything to do with making sandwiches or saying things like 'yes sir'. What I will focus on however, is the balance between the instruction God gives wives vs. husbands.


In this passage, wives are given TWO commands: submit to your husbands as to the LORD and respect your husband. Husband's on the other hand, are given a lengthy instruction on how to treat their wives, loving them and giving themselves to her unconditionally, just as Christ gave himself for the world. In perspective, submission and respect doesn't seem so bad when you are in turn receiving a love like Christ's. So many progressive women say they would never submit to their husbad, but this isn't really true. Submission doesn't mean catering, spoiling or enslaving. Submission means valuing the needs of your husband above your own; respecting his place at the head of the household just as Chris sits at the head of the church. Likewise, as Christ loves and desires joy for His children, the husband will love and cherish his wife without condition. It's truly a beautiful thing.

In Romans, 8:28, we read:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

In Genesis we learn that God created marriage with a purpose. In Ephesians we learn what God wants out of that marriage. In Romans, we find the answer I was looking for. God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. When called into a marriage, which is God's purpose, God words for the good. God is good. For Christians, this is a very important concept to grasp. In your marriage which is glorified by God, he is working GOOD. Not because He HAS to, but because he wants to. Because we have invited Him and allowed Him into the marriage, willingly as a humble sinner who recognizes a need for the love of the Father.

For non-Christians who don't understand that key component to a marriage, something is missing. I don't believe that God abandones those who aren't saved, but it's the same concept one has when they're lost and then found. Without Christ there is a void that cannot be filled, once saved, there is clarity and peace, along with forgiveness. Just as the Trinity would not be complete without The Father, the Holy Spirit and the Son, a marriage is not complete without the key, third component: The Trinity.

So I guess in a way, I can be called judgmental. I'm judging the quality of a marriage as it relates to the presence or absence of God. With Him, and you're on your way to the ultimate in satisfaction, without Him, you'll always be lacking. I'll stand up against any statistic, any marriage that is without the love of Christ enveloped around it and any person who calls me judgmental or naive: as a Christian, the only things that are truly good are good because of God and his love for His children.

I'm not saying that non-Christian marriages won't work. Sometimes they will. Just like sometimes, Christian marriages fail. But this the analogy I leave you with.

Two people buy the same car. An American-made sedan that is designed to last for years.

The first person takes very good care of the car. He invests in the car by maintaining correct oil changes, taking it to reputable maintenance shops regularly, changing tires and always making sure it's washed, vacuumed and over-all clean and fully functioning. It runs for 20 years, with expected needs for repair due to the age and natural use it's experienced.

The second person takes adequate care of the car. It runs for twenty years, too, but he neglects to change the oil, tires are constantly going flat and it isn't taken to a car wash but maybe once or twice, before getting dirty all over again. Over the years, unneccesarry roughness and agreession have made he seats torn and the leather fade, the car is still running, just like the first, but the quality is much less. The gas milage not as good. There wasn't as much bang for the buck.

This applies to marriage. Yes, a marriage without Christ can make it... but is it the best quality? No. And that's why I said I don't understand how non-Christian marriages work. I can't imagine living anything other than the "good" life and God hasn't let me down yet. He keeps working for the good.

And His love will never fail.

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

Answer the "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind"
These questions have no right or wrong answers
Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Sometimes 5, sometimes 40... I'm usually not anywhere in between. One of my goals for the next few years is to truly feel my age.

Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying. At least you know!

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Because as human beings, we aren't as intelligent as we give ourselves credit for.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? At this point, probably. But that isn't the goal really. I've accomplished a lot but my goals are much larger than my reality at the moment.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? So selfishly, I'd like to end the wars in the Middle East. Not for peace, not for justice, just to keep my husband safe and at home.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Traveling. Playing. Laughing.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Settling. Momentarily.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would probably waste less time fighting for the attention and care from those I love, and spend more time focusing on those who value me. In a sense, I'd chase less dreams but absorb myself in happiness from obtainable sources.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? 100%

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right thing in a way that puts me in the lowest risk of doing things wrong.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? Take a minute to absorb what they're saying. Maybe what they're saying is true, and my judgement has been clouded. If I know they're wrong without a doubt, I defend my friend because they're my friend and I love them. If they're right, I may not acknowledge it right away, but I would certainly attempt to do further evaluating.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Don't stop belieeeeeving. Hold on to that feeeelinggggg.

Would you break the law to save a loved one? It depends on what the law was, who the loved one was, what the situation was.. but probably.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Not yet.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Put effort into my relationships. Ha!

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Everyone is different.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? I really want to travel and get my master's and live somewhere else... money is the main thing holding us back from that, but also ties to family and the military.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Relationships, Anger, Trust, Distrust.... the list could go on. I also hold grudges; I get that from my grandmother.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? I would just move to another state, so I wasn't too far from family. Maybe Louisiana... I loved Mandeville!

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No I don't do that lol

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful Simpleton.

Why are you, you? I don't know how to be anyone else.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Very much so!

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend who lives near me.

What are you most grateful for? God sending his Christ, My husband.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Wow! I don't know that I can answer that. The latter would be the easiest, though.

Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? I don't think so.

Has your greatest fear ever come true? No, thankfully.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? I can remember times of being upset but nothing specific... in retrospect, it didn't matter at all.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? Time spent with my grandmother... I miss her terribly.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Marrying my husband on a whim in December... it was beautiful.

If not now, then when? When I have the money.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? The chase.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Yes! Once outside my work, super late at night with my best friend. That was refreshing! And most conversations I have with the hubbs :)

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because people are silly.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? I think so.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? I would quit the job I had now and I would seek employment that I really loved.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work that I enjoy doing.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yes, yes, and a million times yes.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? That has become a very normal thing in the past month.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? Family and friends, but mainly I'd spend it with my husband.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Not a chance!

What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Truly living is how you know you're really alive.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? When you can afford to.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Because society has attached a very negative connotation to failure.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? A lot of things I'd rather not say.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Just now when asked.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love my husband, my family and my friends. express this by trying to stay connecting, even though sometimes it doesn't always work.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Probably not.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I am making them for myself, starting today.

Finding My Place

It's already February and it feels like just yesterday I was celebrating the Christmas season. Now, the halls are free from decoration and the kind spirit that filled many has been replaced with the same void that occupies their minds for the majority of the year. I thought that this semester would go by slowly, with homework and exams testing me and pushing me to my breaking point and making me forget that I had a deployment looming ahead. Ha, so foolish. If anything this has been one of the most fast-paced semesters I've had in my college career. It's probably my own fault for only scheduling classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but also, school just doesn't phase me anymore. It isn't my priority. My mind is somewhere else. All of my assignments have been a breeze and I know that the papers I have ahead aren't that big of a deal. I'll get them done like always, no need to stress. I graduate in 94 days.. that's three months. The total amount of days I have left in class, since I only go on Tuesday and Thursday, is 22. That's almost a joke. Twenty Two more days of class and my undergraduate career is over. Are you kidding me? I don't even care to be honest. Ethan leaves 6 days before my graduation so I'm thinking of not even walking. I don't really have to and I would save on buying a gown. My sister didn't get to walk at her graduation, so it wouldn't really be fair to have my parents there when they couldn't be there for her. And no one else is going to really care to come. The only one I know is ridiculously proud with a desire to be there, well, he'll be training for Afghanistan. Why bother?

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do when E leaves. We had a long talk the other day about how he's more concerned with leaving me at home than he is going. He even mentioned that he isn't afraid of dying, he's afraid of what his death would do to me. That's a very sobering conversation to have with your husband; I imagine it's hard to have with anyone. It left me so scared and so small... how brave of him to put me before his own fear? It brought me closer to the reality that I've already been facing. I'm utterly terrified of losing him. While he's gone, he's afraid that I'll slip into this depression and not take care of myself... I need to make sure he knows I'll be fine. More than that, I need to make sure that I'll actually be fine.

It's weird when I think about where my life is now.... I don't think I would have imagined this in a million years if someone would have asked me what it would resemble a year ago. My two best girlfriends have kids now and that's just mind blowing. They've got this little family that I'm ridiculously jealous of... their own home, children and a husband (or pretty much husband) that isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

The dynamic between my best friend and I isn't the same... it's much less involved. Talking everyday is gone, and while texts used to come frequently I'm lucky if I'm answered within a few hours. I can't complain though, because everyone is moving on with their lives and it's so exciting for them. I'm happy for them, because they each deserve it. It doesn't make us any less close, it just makes it different. I just wish I could find my own place. I wish I could be just as busy as they are, so that I don't feel quite as left out of the loop. I can't party on the weekends (not that I really want to most of the time) and I can't set up my life as easily. I have so much free time now a days. I'm pretty much by myself a few weekends out of the month, and each night. That kind of seclusion takes a toll on a person, really.

I'm really praying that I'll get a job soon after I graduate so that I can leave Zander's. I've put in seven years, so it's just my time to go. I'm hoping I can meet some people and find a good, solid group of friends to add to the one I already have. I might get more involved in church, volunteer... something. I just hope I can get busy and occupied and have lots of stuff to actually do while he's away.

When he comes home, well, there are fears about his assimilation back into life as a civilian, but that seems so far away. For now, I'm just going to work on us. And on me. There's a place for everything and everything has a place... I just have to figure out where mine is.