Next time I see you, I'll be spending all of your time with my husband!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Please, Be Kind.
A few months ago, I said something to someone on Facebook that really upset someone who I would call a friend.
Although what I said was not directed at this particular person, they were really bothered my words enough to message me about it and begin a discussion. In the middle of it all, she told me that she was disappointed in me. I began to apologize to her, feeling so personally responsible that I had caused this feeling, when she interrupted me and said, "My disappointment has nothing to do with you. I'm the one who is disappointed. It's my problem, not yours."
Ever since this moment, I've looked at disappointment differently.
Today is my 22nd birthday and I wish I could use a different word to describe my day other than disappointing, but the truth is, I'm so disappointed in so many people and things that I'm physically sick to my stomach. I've cried more in the past 23 hours than I have since Ethan first left and it seemed as if with each passing minute, my emotions just cut deeper.
Don't get me wrong, my mom did her very best to make my morning special and two very dear people went out of their way to get me a very sweet gift that I love tremendously. But as a whole, my day was so far from happy.
As each event unfolded that caused me to be disappointed, I went back to the words of my friend. It has nothing to do with you. I'm the one disappointed. It's my problem, not yours. And this only made things worse. I became furious. It's my birthday and it's my fault I'm disappointed? Is it really my job to try and convince myself that disappointment is just an emotion that I create based on what I interpret?
Hour after hour, I was reminded. Birthday cards written by random strangers, the absence of my husband, the "happy birthday" phone calls and texts that were either non-existant or extremely late, the unwillingness of others to come to me on my day, the empty apartment waiting for me, the take-out dinner for one, the insensitive comments.... reminder, reminder, and reminder after reminder of this: disappointment is my fault.
Perhaps, in a way, I agree more than I think. While I proclaim to hate my birthday, the very cold hard truth of the matter is that I love the idea of my birthday. I love the idea of waking up and celebrating. Breakfast with my husband, random surprises throughout the day. Family dinners, friends. I don't need presents. And each year, I vocally talk about how I hate birthdays to prepare myself for the worst, and internally I set this expectation that I will be completely blown away. That I will wake up and this year will be different. Something will happen that will just spark.
And every year, I'm so completely devastated that it makes me lose all hope for just a little bit. It takes me a few days to regroup and get over the fact that it happened again. It really does take awhile to make myself forget about the birthday 10 years ago where no one came to my party. I relive that every fucking year. I swear I'll never get over that feeling. But the feeling is my fault. I had silent expectations; the disappointment was sure to follow.
Twenty-Two,
You're starting out atrociously just like the rest. But I still have faith in you. That glimmer of hope I had for today is still there, and it will stay with me until next year. You've got an entire year to restore me. You've got a year to build me up so that I don't break down again. You've got to carry me through, at least until spring so I can see my husband. You've got a lot of work to do in so many areas and I know you can do it. Besides, you've only got one shot at this year...what do you have to lose?
Just please, be kind.
Although what I said was not directed at this particular person, they were really bothered my words enough to message me about it and begin a discussion. In the middle of it all, she told me that she was disappointed in me. I began to apologize to her, feeling so personally responsible that I had caused this feeling, when she interrupted me and said, "My disappointment has nothing to do with you. I'm the one who is disappointed. It's my problem, not yours."
Ever since this moment, I've looked at disappointment differently.
Today is my 22nd birthday and I wish I could use a different word to describe my day other than disappointing, but the truth is, I'm so disappointed in so many people and things that I'm physically sick to my stomach. I've cried more in the past 23 hours than I have since Ethan first left and it seemed as if with each passing minute, my emotions just cut deeper.
Don't get me wrong, my mom did her very best to make my morning special and two very dear people went out of their way to get me a very sweet gift that I love tremendously. But as a whole, my day was so far from happy.
As each event unfolded that caused me to be disappointed, I went back to the words of my friend. It has nothing to do with you. I'm the one disappointed. It's my problem, not yours. And this only made things worse. I became furious. It's my birthday and it's my fault I'm disappointed? Is it really my job to try and convince myself that disappointment is just an emotion that I create based on what I interpret?
Hour after hour, I was reminded. Birthday cards written by random strangers, the absence of my husband, the "happy birthday" phone calls and texts that were either non-existant or extremely late, the unwillingness of others to come to me on my day, the empty apartment waiting for me, the take-out dinner for one, the insensitive comments.... reminder, reminder, and reminder after reminder of this: disappointment is my fault.
Perhaps, in a way, I agree more than I think. While I proclaim to hate my birthday, the very cold hard truth of the matter is that I love the idea of my birthday. I love the idea of waking up and celebrating. Breakfast with my husband, random surprises throughout the day. Family dinners, friends. I don't need presents. And each year, I vocally talk about how I hate birthdays to prepare myself for the worst, and internally I set this expectation that I will be completely blown away. That I will wake up and this year will be different. Something will happen that will just spark.
And every year, I'm so completely devastated that it makes me lose all hope for just a little bit. It takes me a few days to regroup and get over the fact that it happened again. It really does take awhile to make myself forget about the birthday 10 years ago where no one came to my party. I relive that every fucking year. I swear I'll never get over that feeling. But the feeling is my fault. I had silent expectations; the disappointment was sure to follow.
Twenty-Two,
You're starting out atrociously just like the rest. But I still have faith in you. That glimmer of hope I had for today is still there, and it will stay with me until next year. You've got an entire year to restore me. You've got a year to build me up so that I don't break down again. You've got to carry me through, at least until spring so I can see my husband. You've got a lot of work to do in so many areas and I know you can do it. Besides, you've only got one shot at this year...what do you have to lose?
Just please, be kind.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Twenty-One
I've been trying to write about my journey through my twenty-first year of life for an hour. Every time I begin, I erase it and start all over. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not yet ready to let go of 21, or if it's because there is so much packed into this past year that I can't figure out the most perfect place to begin.
So much simply changed this past year. I don't feel like I've grown a year older, I feel like I've literally evolved into a different person. Some parts of the "new" me, I absolutely love. Other parts, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with.
I look back to last October and it's somehow like looking into yesterday and back through a millions years all at the same time. I've gotten married, graduated college, found a job, moved into an apartment, had E deploy, lost friends, found friends, and realized what it meant to be a true friend.
I've wasted money and saved money. I've forgotten that I don't like to be blonde . I've missed school and in the same breathe thanked God that I was finally through. I've learned what weakness is all about, and how I am anything but it.
It took me until the end of my twenty-first year to finally realize that you can extend the most loving hand to someone who you have put all your confidence in, and they may still make the choice to turn you away. To these people, I have come to know that I must continue loving them, but I do not have to continue putting myself into a situation where I cause myself pain. I don't have to understand why because the why doesn't really matter. That has been a tremendous life lesson.
But I've also learned that the absolute best of friends don't have to talk every day. They may fight until what seems like the death, say things they don't mean and not talk for months and then one day, it will simple be over and you will realize that after the dust has been blown away, the foundation of a friendship didn't even crack. That has warmed my heart and reminded me that even though I expect the worst, the worst doesn't always have to happen.
I have painfully understood what it means to miss someone, and I have looked the concept of death in the face as I mourned silently - sometimes audibly - with a woman I have only met in passing as she learned of the death of her husband serving overseas. For the first time in my life, I grasped what could happen. I experienced the fear of someone knocking on my door, only to discover it was a neighbor who had no idea of what that noise did to me.
I have learned that the best day of my life was not my wedding day; it was the next day when I woke up and realized that every day, for the rest of my life, I will wake up married to the love of my life. I have realized that God conditioned my heart to love so deeply that I could never in a million years express exactly how I feel about my husband.
I have discovered a favorite quote. "People learn how to treat you based on what you accept from them," and this quote has changed the way I think about life.
Twenty-One, you will always be remembered as my year of Change. Despite it all, I wouldn't have had you any other way.
So much simply changed this past year. I don't feel like I've grown a year older, I feel like I've literally evolved into a different person. Some parts of the "new" me, I absolutely love. Other parts, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with.
I look back to last October and it's somehow like looking into yesterday and back through a millions years all at the same time. I've gotten married, graduated college, found a job, moved into an apartment, had E deploy, lost friends, found friends, and realized what it meant to be a true friend.
I've wasted money and saved money. I've forgotten that I don't like to be blonde . I've missed school and in the same breathe thanked God that I was finally through. I've learned what weakness is all about, and how I am anything but it.
It took me until the end of my twenty-first year to finally realize that you can extend the most loving hand to someone who you have put all your confidence in, and they may still make the choice to turn you away. To these people, I have come to know that I must continue loving them, but I do not have to continue putting myself into a situation where I cause myself pain. I don't have to understand why because the why doesn't really matter. That has been a tremendous life lesson.
But I've also learned that the absolute best of friends don't have to talk every day. They may fight until what seems like the death, say things they don't mean and not talk for months and then one day, it will simple be over and you will realize that after the dust has been blown away, the foundation of a friendship didn't even crack. That has warmed my heart and reminded me that even though I expect the worst, the worst doesn't always have to happen.
I have painfully understood what it means to miss someone, and I have looked the concept of death in the face as I mourned silently - sometimes audibly - with a woman I have only met in passing as she learned of the death of her husband serving overseas. For the first time in my life, I grasped what could happen. I experienced the fear of someone knocking on my door, only to discover it was a neighbor who had no idea of what that noise did to me.
I have learned that the best day of my life was not my wedding day; it was the next day when I woke up and realized that every day, for the rest of my life, I will wake up married to the love of my life. I have realized that God conditioned my heart to love so deeply that I could never in a million years express exactly how I feel about my husband.
I have discovered a favorite quote. "People learn how to treat you based on what you accept from them," and this quote has changed the way I think about life.
Twenty-One, you will always be remembered as my year of Change. Despite it all, I wouldn't have had you any other way.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
What are you trying to show me?
I believe in the power of dreaming.
There are few things that we do that serve absolutely no purpose, so I can't bring myself to believe that when we fall asleep, we dream for absolutely no reason. As long as people have been able to articulate what happens inside our minds once we fall asleep, there have been theories as to what causes our brain to flood itself with imagery and emotion so vivid that at times it seems we're living a second life throughout the night. And yet, there has been no concrete revelation to tell us exactly what purpose a dream serves.
Maybe it's the romantic in me that at times convinces myself that it's our way of living out fantasies that we can't quite make happen when we're awake. The spiritual side of me believes that it's our own soul's way of revealing our true character; spilling our deepest secrets so that we can figure them out for ourselves. The religious part of me is convinced that a dream is God's way of most intimately connecting with us, as if when we're asleep, we're more likely to listen to what He has to say.
It's been about three months since Lindsey and I stopped talking, and most definitely not by my choice.Three months since I got the call in the middle of the night that William was leaving her. Three months since I rushed to her apartment to find her in tears, describing how he had spoken to her earlier in the day. Three months since he confessed to hating me.Three months since her husband gave her the ultimatum to chose between their marriage and my friendship. Three months since I lost.
Several days ago I had the most odd dream. I dreamed that Lindsey had talked me into marrying her for a reason. It wasn't because we were secret lesbians who had fallen in love, no, it was a means to an end. I remember dreading it in my dream and I watched her run around very excitedly in a way that only Lindsey can do. When she sets her mind to something, she goes full force and doesn't think about the consequences until much later. I never found out why we were getting married, because I woke up before we actually did it. I remember having this feeling of panic and dread because I couldn't bring myself to tell her no.
Last night, I had another dream but this one was much different. I dreamed that I had ran into her park. It was night time and there were lots of people around when I walked up to her and told her that I wanted my ring back. When Lindsey got married, she got a wedding band that looked very similar to mine. For whatever reason, we traded. She gave mine back very rudely, and I began yelling at her, "Why are you doing this to me? What did I do?" and she told me that it wasn't about me and that it wasn't her fault. Then, she starting making out with her husband right in front of me, and I walked off. I cried as I tried to find my car, but I couldn't remember where I parked it.
I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. It's one thing for me to obsess over something, because that's just what I've always done. But it's an entirely different thing for something to ruin my sleep and infiltrate my dreams. I stayed away for hours thinking about what I could have done differently, in real life or in my dream time and I couldn't figure it out. I did what I could. I was the kind of friend that I would want to have myself and in the end, it just didn't work. I became so bitter as I played our conversations over and over in my head and then found myself in prayer. I want God to take away the anger I have towards her and her husband.
Lord, what are you trying to show me? At first I wanted to save my friendship but now, I just want to forget about the whole thing. The more I think about it and try to make myself understand, the more bitter I become. Lord, I just ask that you shed light on what this is supposed to be teaching me. Give me peace that I did what I could and that sometimes, it's just not in my control. Lord, I can't change others but You can change my heart.
Let your light shine through me, and let me learn to let go.
There are few things that we do that serve absolutely no purpose, so I can't bring myself to believe that when we fall asleep, we dream for absolutely no reason. As long as people have been able to articulate what happens inside our minds once we fall asleep, there have been theories as to what causes our brain to flood itself with imagery and emotion so vivid that at times it seems we're living a second life throughout the night. And yet, there has been no concrete revelation to tell us exactly what purpose a dream serves.
Maybe it's the romantic in me that at times convinces myself that it's our way of living out fantasies that we can't quite make happen when we're awake. The spiritual side of me believes that it's our own soul's way of revealing our true character; spilling our deepest secrets so that we can figure them out for ourselves. The religious part of me is convinced that a dream is God's way of most intimately connecting with us, as if when we're asleep, we're more likely to listen to what He has to say.
It's been about three months since Lindsey and I stopped talking, and most definitely not by my choice.Three months since I got the call in the middle of the night that William was leaving her. Three months since I rushed to her apartment to find her in tears, describing how he had spoken to her earlier in the day. Three months since he confessed to hating me.Three months since her husband gave her the ultimatum to chose between their marriage and my friendship. Three months since I lost.
Several days ago I had the most odd dream. I dreamed that Lindsey had talked me into marrying her for a reason. It wasn't because we were secret lesbians who had fallen in love, no, it was a means to an end. I remember dreading it in my dream and I watched her run around very excitedly in a way that only Lindsey can do. When she sets her mind to something, she goes full force and doesn't think about the consequences until much later. I never found out why we were getting married, because I woke up before we actually did it. I remember having this feeling of panic and dread because I couldn't bring myself to tell her no.
Last night, I had another dream but this one was much different. I dreamed that I had ran into her park. It was night time and there were lots of people around when I walked up to her and told her that I wanted my ring back. When Lindsey got married, she got a wedding band that looked very similar to mine. For whatever reason, we traded. She gave mine back very rudely, and I began yelling at her, "Why are you doing this to me? What did I do?" and she told me that it wasn't about me and that it wasn't her fault. Then, she starting making out with her husband right in front of me, and I walked off. I cried as I tried to find my car, but I couldn't remember where I parked it.
I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. It's one thing for me to obsess over something, because that's just what I've always done. But it's an entirely different thing for something to ruin my sleep and infiltrate my dreams. I stayed away for hours thinking about what I could have done differently, in real life or in my dream time and I couldn't figure it out. I did what I could. I was the kind of friend that I would want to have myself and in the end, it just didn't work. I became so bitter as I played our conversations over and over in my head and then found myself in prayer. I want God to take away the anger I have towards her and her husband.
Lord, what are you trying to show me? At first I wanted to save my friendship but now, I just want to forget about the whole thing. The more I think about it and try to make myself understand, the more bitter I become. Lord, I just ask that you shed light on what this is supposed to be teaching me. Give me peace that I did what I could and that sometimes, it's just not in my control. Lord, I can't change others but You can change my heart.
Let your light shine through me, and let me learn to let go.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
My October : Bestfriends, 10lbs and E
This year, I can honestly say I am beyond ready for October to be over. My favorite month just isn't so favorite when every memory I want to make is 7,000 miles away. Don't get me wrong, I still have a special place in my heart for the month of pumpkin spice and chilly nights, but that place is occupied with a longing for my sweet husband to be back in my arms.
That being said, October hasn't been a complete bust. Quite the contrary, October has been quite kind to me. I've heard from E regularly through phone calls and one attempted session on Skype which is a reason to celebrate all on it's own. Work is going slowly but surely and I'm getting a much better grasp on my position which is something I didn't know would happen so fast. I truly thought I'd be struggling to keep my head above water for at least another three months and now I'm succesfully treading calmly. I'm not swimming, but treading? I'll take it.
I've also lost ten pounds as of Monday on my diet! I'm totally stoked. I know this is going to sound crazy but I feel different. I don't feel super skinny or anything, but I can defintely tell that I've lost a little weight. My clothes don't fit differently or anything, but I can just tell in the way I walk that I've somehow changed a bit. It's defintely motivation enough for me to just keep going. Today for the first time in over two weeks I had a meal that was totally horrible for me, and I feel it. I feel crummy just thinking about it but I actually feel bad. It makes me want to cook for myself for the rest of the week and just forget about the idea of going anywhere but my own kitchen... I will defintely not be rushing out to eat anytime soon!
Probably the brightest little nugget of good that has come out of this October is seeing my bestfriend for the first time since January. Honestly, I missed him so much. I can remember when we had this huge fight, thinking how horrible he was for things he said but looking back, I said things that were just as mean. Yes, my feelings were hurt but his couldn't have been left unscathed by my own anger. It literally makes my heart smile to know that things seem normal again. And not the same psycho normal from before where we were constantly bickering and tearing each other apart. It's seriously been such a blessing to have him "back"... even though, I don't think we'll ever not be bestfriends. Through it all I never considered us anything less than best friends; we were just best friends who didn't talk. So dumb.
Even though October is only half way over, I still consider it My October. Not because my birthday is in it, but because it's just truly a magical time of year. The spirit of the season and the seasons that are coming just envelope my life around this time of year and despite the fact that I thought it would be horrible without my E, it's surprised me and given me renewed hope and revitalized faith.
I'm still ready to see October scurry along, followed by the next seven months, but if I have to experience them all one-by-one, I hope they're all as kind to me as this one.
October, you never disappoint me.
That being said, October hasn't been a complete bust. Quite the contrary, October has been quite kind to me. I've heard from E regularly through phone calls and one attempted session on Skype which is a reason to celebrate all on it's own. Work is going slowly but surely and I'm getting a much better grasp on my position which is something I didn't know would happen so fast. I truly thought I'd be struggling to keep my head above water for at least another three months and now I'm succesfully treading calmly. I'm not swimming, but treading? I'll take it.
I've also lost ten pounds as of Monday on my diet! I'm totally stoked. I know this is going to sound crazy but I feel different. I don't feel super skinny or anything, but I can defintely tell that I've lost a little weight. My clothes don't fit differently or anything, but I can just tell in the way I walk that I've somehow changed a bit. It's defintely motivation enough for me to just keep going. Today for the first time in over two weeks I had a meal that was totally horrible for me, and I feel it. I feel crummy just thinking about it but I actually feel bad. It makes me want to cook for myself for the rest of the week and just forget about the idea of going anywhere but my own kitchen... I will defintely not be rushing out to eat anytime soon!
Probably the brightest little nugget of good that has come out of this October is seeing my bestfriend for the first time since January. Honestly, I missed him so much. I can remember when we had this huge fight, thinking how horrible he was for things he said but looking back, I said things that were just as mean. Yes, my feelings were hurt but his couldn't have been left unscathed by my own anger. It literally makes my heart smile to know that things seem normal again. And not the same psycho normal from before where we were constantly bickering and tearing each other apart. It's seriously been such a blessing to have him "back"... even though, I don't think we'll ever not be bestfriends. Through it all I never considered us anything less than best friends; we were just best friends who didn't talk. So dumb.
Even though October is only half way over, I still consider it My October. Not because my birthday is in it, but because it's just truly a magical time of year. The spirit of the season and the seasons that are coming just envelope my life around this time of year and despite the fact that I thought it would be horrible without my E, it's surprised me and given me renewed hope and revitalized faith.
I'm still ready to see October scurry along, followed by the next seven months, but if I have to experience them all one-by-one, I hope they're all as kind to me as this one.
October, you never disappoint me.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Life Change
I'm too lazy embarrassed to go back through my blog and count the times that I said I was going to start dieting and excercising. To be honest, every time I wrote a post I really did want to start. But I didn't want it enough and never did. When my husband used to talk about wanting eat better, work out, etc. I used to all always say, "when you're ready to really do the work, you'll do it." So I took my own advice and just started.
And oh my goodness, it has surely been the best decision I've made in a LONG time!
I officially started my diet last Monday, so it's officially been over a week since I've started. I decided that I would simply change my diet, and would worry about working out later. By the end of the first week, I had lost a little over four pounds and was slightly encouraged to keep going, but felt like four pounds was just a small drop in the bucket of what I really wanted to lose.
I downloaded an app on my iPad called "My Fitness Pal" and it's been a lifesaver. I honestly don't know that I'd still be sticking with this new routine if it weren't for that app. Basically it's all about accountability. You can track what you eat and it tells you how many calories, etc. are in each meal and reminds you what you have left for the day. You can enter your weight daily, measurements whenever you want to and set goals for yourself. It's been an essential part of the start of my weightloss.
I figured that after about a month I'd start hitting the gym, but yesterday something super, totally WIERD happened. I was craving a workout. At first I thought maybe I was just tired of being cooped up in the office all day, but by the time I got home I was itching to put on my running shoes and workout clothes and I was rummaging through drawers looking for headphones. I can't lie, if the gym wasn't literally across the street from my apartment, I probably could have shut myself up and settled for 10 jumping jacks and an apple. But the gym IS outside my front door, so off I went. And it wasn't terrible! I spent about 30 minutes on the elliptical before heading home to attempt p90x with my sister. I say attempt because as it turns out, the horror that was the first 15 minutes of the DVD (during which I had to stop about 234 times) was actually only the warmup.So I've got a ways to go but I've already lost five pounds so I can't be hurting anything by trying...
It might sound silly, but I have this image of what I'll look like when Ethan gets home and what I look like now is not it. I can't wait to surprise E and make myself proud with what my results will be in May.
I can't believe I'm actually excited about dieting and working out... who would have thought?
And oh my goodness, it has surely been the best decision I've made in a LONG time!
I officially started my diet last Monday, so it's officially been over a week since I've started. I decided that I would simply change my diet, and would worry about working out later. By the end of the first week, I had lost a little over four pounds and was slightly encouraged to keep going, but felt like four pounds was just a small drop in the bucket of what I really wanted to lose.
I downloaded an app on my iPad called "My Fitness Pal" and it's been a lifesaver. I honestly don't know that I'd still be sticking with this new routine if it weren't for that app. Basically it's all about accountability. You can track what you eat and it tells you how many calories, etc. are in each meal and reminds you what you have left for the day. You can enter your weight daily, measurements whenever you want to and set goals for yourself. It's been an essential part of the start of my weightloss.
I figured that after about a month I'd start hitting the gym, but yesterday something super, totally WIERD happened. I was craving a workout. At first I thought maybe I was just tired of being cooped up in the office all day, but by the time I got home I was itching to put on my running shoes and workout clothes and I was rummaging through drawers looking for headphones. I can't lie, if the gym wasn't literally across the street from my apartment, I probably could have shut myself up and settled for 10 jumping jacks and an apple. But the gym IS outside my front door, so off I went. And it wasn't terrible! I spent about 30 minutes on the elliptical before heading home to attempt p90x with my sister. I say attempt because as it turns out, the horror that was the first 15 minutes of the DVD (during which I had to stop about 234 times) was actually only the warmup.So I've got a ways to go but I've already lost five pounds so I can't be hurting anything by trying...
It might sound silly, but I have this image of what I'll look like when Ethan gets home and what I look like now is not it. I can't wait to surprise E and make myself proud with what my results will be in May.
I can't believe I'm actually excited about dieting and working out... who would have thought?
Sunday, October 7, 2012
If I Could Turn Back Time
Yesterday was October 6th. Over a year ago when Ethan and I were engaged we set that date to be the day we would be married in front of our family and friends. I have always dreamed of an October wedding and it crushed my soul to wake up yesterday in a bed that was far too big for one person. The weather was beautiful and it even rained last night; it's good luck for it to rain on your wedding day. It would be have been the perfect day, and for some lucky couples out there, I'm sure it was.
I was angry that I couldn't have my special day yesterday, and I almost let it ruin the fact that I was already married to the love of my life. If I could back in time and not tell a soul that I was married, I think I would. It isn't that I'm embarrassed of being married or that I think I made a mistake, but so many people judged us and gave us a hard time. I lost touch with my best friend and I can't help but think that it had something to do with the fact that I got married. If I could go back in time, I would have had him at my ceremony.
But to be 100% honest, the only two people that mattered during that ceremony were probably the two that ended up the least happy with the outcome. It would have been just as special had it have been me, E and a justice of the peace. That is really all I wanted to begin with. I let too much influence me into having this makeshift small elopement at home and it was so unnecessary... it cost more than money; it cost friendships, family and memories.
But it's in the past and I can't turn back time. I will still hold dear the memory of calling Ethan my husband for the first time, saying our vows and just being married. Because in the end, I wouldn't trade being married already for anything in the world. As much as things didn't change between us after we said, "I do," things did change. I loved him harder and a bit different. I saw him with just a slightly different attitude and as absolutely corny as this sounds, I felt so complete. I found the one whom my soul loves.
There are certain things that you don't understand until you experience it. For example, if you have never experience sleep paralysis, you will never ever understand how completely terrifying it is. And I never completely understood what it meant to find the one my soul loves until I was married to my husband. I found him.
So while I'm not 100% sure what the entry is supposed to be about, I felt like I was obligated to write a glimpse of what I was thinking yesterday. I went from angry to sad, happy to confused, mortified to embarrassed, depressed to at peace. It was a rough day and I'm glad that it's over.
I don't regret being married. Let me repeat, I do not regret being married. What I do regret is the way it happened. I wish I could have done it 100% privately, with no one finding out. If I could turn back time (please cue Cher in the background), I'd be keeping the world's sweetest secret and for a solid year and ten months, the only four people who would know I was a Mrs. would be me, my husband, the Army and a judge. I think that would have been entirely romantic. A marriage is, after all, a very private thing between two people. Who needed to know? No one.
But people know. And as much as I go back and forth between wanting a ceremony to renew our vows and not wanting one, deep down I am so freaking excited to have one. I cannot wait to write my own vows, stand before my family, husband and God and reaffirm my commitment to him. I can't wait to wear my dress, have beautiful pictures taken and celebrate not only our marriage, but our entire relationship that spans for seven years. I can't wait to celebrate the fact that we made it through a deployment, to celebrate my husband coming home.
I know it will be a beautiful day and that those that truly matter the most will still come, despite what my sister calls it being a "fake wedding." I just have to get through these next several months of being alone with my thoughts.
This deployment is surely taking its time... my favorite month is dragging; I wish it would just fly by.
I was angry that I couldn't have my special day yesterday, and I almost let it ruin the fact that I was already married to the love of my life. If I could back in time and not tell a soul that I was married, I think I would. It isn't that I'm embarrassed of being married or that I think I made a mistake, but so many people judged us and gave us a hard time. I lost touch with my best friend and I can't help but think that it had something to do with the fact that I got married. If I could go back in time, I would have had him at my ceremony.
But to be 100% honest, the only two people that mattered during that ceremony were probably the two that ended up the least happy with the outcome. It would have been just as special had it have been me, E and a justice of the peace. That is really all I wanted to begin with. I let too much influence me into having this makeshift small elopement at home and it was so unnecessary... it cost more than money; it cost friendships, family and memories.
But it's in the past and I can't turn back time. I will still hold dear the memory of calling Ethan my husband for the first time, saying our vows and just being married. Because in the end, I wouldn't trade being married already for anything in the world. As much as things didn't change between us after we said, "I do," things did change. I loved him harder and a bit different. I saw him with just a slightly different attitude and as absolutely corny as this sounds, I felt so complete. I found the one whom my soul loves.
There are certain things that you don't understand until you experience it. For example, if you have never experience sleep paralysis, you will never ever understand how completely terrifying it is. And I never completely understood what it meant to find the one my soul loves until I was married to my husband. I found him.
So while I'm not 100% sure what the entry is supposed to be about, I felt like I was obligated to write a glimpse of what I was thinking yesterday. I went from angry to sad, happy to confused, mortified to embarrassed, depressed to at peace. It was a rough day and I'm glad that it's over.
I don't regret being married. Let me repeat, I do not regret being married. What I do regret is the way it happened. I wish I could have done it 100% privately, with no one finding out. If I could turn back time (please cue Cher in the background), I'd be keeping the world's sweetest secret and for a solid year and ten months, the only four people who would know I was a Mrs. would be me, my husband, the Army and a judge. I think that would have been entirely romantic. A marriage is, after all, a very private thing between two people. Who needed to know? No one.
But people know. And as much as I go back and forth between wanting a ceremony to renew our vows and not wanting one, deep down I am so freaking excited to have one. I cannot wait to write my own vows, stand before my family, husband and God and reaffirm my commitment to him. I can't wait to wear my dress, have beautiful pictures taken and celebrate not only our marriage, but our entire relationship that spans for seven years. I can't wait to celebrate the fact that we made it through a deployment, to celebrate my husband coming home.
I know it will be a beautiful day and that those that truly matter the most will still come, despite what my sister calls it being a "fake wedding." I just have to get through these next several months of being alone with my thoughts.
This deployment is surely taking its time... my favorite month is dragging; I wish it would just fly by.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
What I love.
A small part of me believes that the weather this week was God's way of telling me that He understands. My favorite month started out hauntingly beautiful with heavy rains, wind, low temperatures and the reminder that I will still praise Him in this storm. Mostly, it's been a slow start to my favorite time of year but I have high hopes that it will surprise me in ways I don't really understand.
On the biggest whim today I bought an iPad 2 from someone that I'm friends with on Facebook. They are a married couple that E and I met when we were visiting a church in Hickory months and months ago, and while we didn't end up staying at that church we left feeling good that we had met many good people who truly changed our lives for the better. This particular couple bought this iPad a few months ago, but realized that selling it was the best decision financially for them. Since I've kind of tossed around the idea of wanting one for awhile, and they needed the money, I felt a bit better about the discounted splurge. I've tried telling myself that Jesus wanted me to have this iPad but that sounds a bit silly. I wanted this iPad, Jesus wants me to help people. Win-win, right?!
But the real win didn't come from the iPad. After spending this money without talking to E I started to get nervous about telling him. This was the first "big" purchase I made without talking it over with him, and he had recently told me he considered a larger purchase himself but decided not to because he knew I'd say we didn't need it. I felt bad at first. And then I had to rationalize with myself that I couldn't call him. I didn't really know the next time I'd be able to discuss something with him and even if he did call, I couldn't be sure that he would be in the right mood to even talk about it. Would he be mad? Apathetic? I did it anyway. It was kind of unnerving.
I sent E a message on Facebook, hoping he would see it before we talked again. About an hour later I got the most heartwarming surprise. He responded in a way that I genuinely didn't expect. I love my husband so much that sometimes I feel like I can't love anymore, but I always do. And I also know him well. He isn't one to express his emotions very freely and there are so many times I feel like I'm begging a brick wall to tell me how it feels. I know that he loves me and I don't need outward displays of affection like flowers to remind me of this, but sometimes it would be nice. And this message was the equivalent of a million dozens of the finest roses. Pure affirmation of his love for me, his pride in me as his wife and his trust in me. He didn't care about the money being spent and encouraged me to do things for myself... how could I not melt in my seat? When the love of your life pours his heart out to you in words - something he's so rarely confident enough to do - how can you not have a soul that just smiles?
I like my new iPad a lot. I love that I helped a family who needed the extra money. But what I really really really love is my God who blessed with me a husband who loves me.
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