Where There Is A Will...

It's three in the afternoon on a Tuesday that is probably, along with tomorrow, going to be one of the busiest days of the semester. I have so much to do, so many things to write and prepare before turning in. Then there are tests to study for, exams to take and then a final drive home from L-R where I'll try to enjoy as much of my Christmas break as I can. This break will be so bittersweet for me. I know that I can only allow myself to be consumed with worry and anxiety for so long, but I can't help but remember that E won't be home for Christmas next year, unless he manages to come home on R&R which is highly unlikely because no doubt there will be soldiers with children who will come home during that time, if it's possible. It's hard because I know that I will want to enjoy every second with him, and yet, every second spent will be a second that has passed, all leading up to the second he will board a plane to the Middle East. I don't want to become clingy or distant, too needy or too independent. I've got to learn how to be the best better half than I can be during times like these. There has to be a better way of dealing with it than what I'm doing now.

I did decide that over the next few months, I'm going to start keeping a list of things that I want to do or get accomplished while E is gone. Not that I couldn't get anything done while he's home, but I think it would help pass the time if I gave myself goals to accomplish to keep me busy. I've read on different forums that time passes slowly, but also fast because duties of being a wife or mother take a front seat. Both fortunately and unfortunately, I won't have many domestic things to take care of since we won't have our own place in the beginning of our marriage and I have no children to tend to. So, that leaves me with plenty of time to get whatever I want to get done, done. I've considered having a weekly project, or maybe a monthly goal. Something to work towards. After graduation there are so many things I never gave myself the time do to... books I've wanted to read, systems I've wanted to organize.

Hopefully I'll be able to work full time while he's away, and save as much of our money as I can. E wants me to go ahead and move into our apartment a few months before he comes home so I'm sure as soon as I start that process I'll be plenty busy as well. Staying alone for those few months before he comes back might be the hardest, but I'm already excited for the day that he gets to come home for the first time. And not just home as in Catawba County, but our home. The home that I will prepare for us while he is getting job done. It makes me so proud when I think of it that way... of how he's making so many sacrifices for us, for everyone. I've never been so consumed with so many dominant emotions as I am when I think about these next two years.

I've also read that it's much easier to count down weeks instead of days until they come home. Fifty-two weeks is much easier on the heart to count down from than 365. So I get to make a fancy countdown calendar once I get official dates, which probably won't be until this time next year. Either way. I have to have something to look forward to.

E finally seems to be getting excited about the wedding and I have to admit, amidst so many negative aspects of what's going on, there are a lot of positives. I finally realized that, while this does mean I have to rush the wedding up a bit, I also get to be a bride sooner. There are so many fun things I can look forward to now for the spring... wedding showers, bridal showers, engagement photos, bridal photos, the rehearsal, the actual ceremony... my honeymoon! Not to mention my graduation that I've worked my ass off for. There are bright spots, yes. They're there! I know they are. I just wouldn't have wished for them to be so smooshed together. I wouldn't wish to have to set a new date, formulate a new plan and make it work. But then again, would it really be traditional Olivia style to do things in an orderly fashion? Not exactly. And if I were really concerned about time crunches, I wouldn't be writing this blog post instead of working on the two research papers, presentation, feature writing project, resume project, org comm exam study guide, media law exam study guide or the research methods literature review. No, obviously I have no real concern over time.

And that's probably how God knew that I could handle this.

Changed Plans, Clueless Friends

It is amazing what time can do... it only takes a second and just like that, your whole world can turn 180 degrees, facing a direction you never thought was possible or never knew existed.

Until last week, I had a plan that I knew in my heart wasn't completely sturdy but in my head was concrete and unbreakable. Of course E would contract with ROTC (soon, rather than later) and I would graduate in May. We would both work hard over the summer, 40+hours each, to pay for an October wedding. But first, we would rent an apartment in Halton Park around August and E would live there while he started school, waiting for me until October. We would be married on the 6th, honeymoon for a week and then come back to enjoy a year and half of life as a married couple. Maybe I would get a full-time PR job, or maybe I would work random shifts doing random things, all the while not caring because we had been given a fresh start and time to finally, finally, finally focus on us.

How silly I feel looking back on that plan. How stupid I must look, to have thought even for a moment that we would get to live a normal life for even five minutes... that we would catch a break that we both felt we deserved. Absolutely stupid.

Last Tuesday changed me so much that I feel like I don't even know who I was before then. It might sound absolutely silly, but it couldn't be more true. In a single second, I found out that E would be deploying in July. In just eight short months, he will be in Afghanistan for at least a year. There will be no ROTC, no October wedding, no year of wedded bliss. He won't get to graduate how he wanted, he won't receive a commission in 2013 and he'll be alone in another country, a dangerous country, without family for a year. The reason doesn't matter, the facts still remain.

In one phone call, all of our dreams just dissipated and we were forced to form a new plan. E has been so positive about it, and that makes me so proud of him. I feel like I, too, should be positive but right now it seems a struggle just to not cry as soon as I remember that he's going to deploy. He wants to get married before he leaves, and I do too. Is that selfish? I can't tell. I can't decide if the things I want are selfish or if they're smart. I don't know the difference anymore, really. Is it bad that we want to benefit from the deployment financially as much as possible? Is that taking advantage of the system? Am I using him, is he using me? Does it matter when we marry if we were planning to do it anyway? I just don't know. I also know that I can't ask these questions to just anyone because not just anyone will understand. If I have learned anything this past week, it is that the majority of civilians and those who aren't directly affected by someone in the military will NOT, under any circumstance, understand or begin to understand a damn thing you are dealing with.

The people who you thought were your best friends will disappoint you. And it isn't their fault. They honestly have no way of knowing what to say, or how you're feeling or the realities that you are dealing with. They will watch the news, listen to your stories and they will think that they have formulated some kind of idea but you will not be fooled; they are clueless.

And you will, in turn, become out of tune to them. And that isn't your fault either. All of a sudden, when I listen to someone's problems about dating or school, or "OMG I might not make a 100, i'll have to settle for a 99.9," I get the urge to hurl a chair into the air and watch it fall, miserably on top of what ever problem said person seemed to have and then walk away saying, "Well, on top of all that, you now have a broken chair." Childish? Probably. But I just can't find myself to sympathize anymore.
For awhile I've felt like I was just drifting away from most of my friends. They would make comments about my "rushing" growing up and I would just sit back and laugh... rushing? How have I rushed anything? I excelled in school so I'm graduating a year early. Did I rush it? Not really. I fell in love at 16 and never, ever fell out of it... yet I'm "rushing" a marriage? We've been together, cumulatively, for five years! How slow should we be going?

And now, when I hear about their problems that seem so trivial compared to the thought of E's looming deployment, I just get irritated. I'm trying so hard to put it into perspective, to not be a bad guy in all of this. But how could I possibly feel sorry that you might get a B+ on your 40 page paper when E is about to go and possibly be shot at for an entire year? Your problems just don't seem so bad, and I have a hard time feeling anything towards you.

I feel so caught in this awkward limbo of childhood and adulthood. Most of my friends are a year+ away from graduating, barely maintain a relationship for longer than 6 months (if that) and still have everything handed to them from mommy and daddy. I'm about to be a married woman, graduating from college and trying to enter the workforce. What, if anything, do we even have in common? Perhaps this is just emotions running high right now. This is me, over analyzing everything and being entirely too dramatic for my own good. Except this doesn't seem like a drama anymore. This seems like reality grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me, trying to wake me up from this daze I've allowed myself to be consumed in for months.

In the meantime, I will have to just deal with it. I will have to deal with friends who don't really know how to support me in this (And how the heck could I expect them to when I have no idea how to do myself?), I will have to plan a wedding in six months, I will have to stay strong for Ethan because he has to be scared, too. I don't know how it'll work but I know that it will work. It has to, right?

So ready.

I'm trying so hard not go into my crazy, over-thinking, dramatic, jealousy-infused mode. I'm sick and tired of it though...I'm just getting sick and tired and I haven't done anything wrong. We're more different than I ever thought, I get that. But how about you not rub it all around in my face?

Next year can't get here fast enough.

I'm ready for my escape.

Veteran's Day

Today I just sit back and reflect. It's Veteran's Day and I can't find the right words to describe how I feel about it. A year ago, I was sitting at home praying that by the next week, I would be in Ft.Leonard Wood, seeing Ethan graduate from OSUT. It had been almost four months since I had seen him, with only a few phone calls and letters, along with prayer and tears to prove that I was even in a relationship. How silly I must have looked to those loved ones who will never again see their soldier. Although all it took was a letter to turn my sadness into excitement, I was always wanting more. More time to talk on the phone, longer letters to read... and some will never receive a letter again. How blessed have I been to live in America. God put me here for a reason, and while I don't know that I realize what that reason is, I know that it was done purposefully and carefully. I am so humbled to live in a land where men and women made the decision to sign a blank check, to me directly. They don't know what will happen, where they will go or if they will come home but they do it anyway. I am so, so thankful. Ethan being in the Army has opened my eyes to a whole new world... a world of appreciation, worry, stress, fear, education, gratitude and so much more. I am grateful for him, for those who came before him, those serving alongside him and those will one day chose to serve after him. I am just so, so thankful.

What I Needed

Yesterday I went to class but had to go to Caldwell Community College to drop off signed paper work in order to take an online class there next semester. I was so eager to get that done so I could have some security with my registration. After I was done, I decided to head to Boone for a few hours to see Lukas. In my head, Boone is only like 20 minutes from Caldwell but in reality it was like 45 minutes. Driving up the mountain, about half way, I started to wonder to myself what in the world I was thinking. It was a Tuesday night, I was missing class, I had a tone of stuff to do at home before a ridiculously busy week got under way and here I was, driving to Boone like nothing in the world was happening in my life that required immediate attention.

And it was amazing.

I had been fighting with E for a few hours - we're both so volatile, a fight is never fun for us. We've both reached this apex of stress and we're saying things we don't mean, feeling anger and misdirecting it towards each other. My senior year has taken about ten years off of my life expectancy and time from away that, and from my "normal" was so much needed and appreciated.



Spending a few hours with my best friend was perfect, too. It had been a ridiculously long time since I've heard him play piano and I had forgotten how much I truly love just listening. If I could bottle up his performance and just release it whenever I needed it, that would probably be as close to perfection as I would need.

The day ended too soon and on my ride home, I listened to classical music and just watched my drive. Not quite as stunning as a mountain drive at sunset, but beautiful none the less. Driving can be so relaxing sometimes.

Limbo

I'm caught in this gigantic world of uncertainty right now. It's so icky feeling. Ethan is so close to being contracted to UNCC's ROTC program, but he's also very close to being locked into a deployment. It's hard not to know if I should be preparing myself for a Wedding next October followed by a honeymoon and 12 months in Charlotte, or a quick ceremony in the spring followed by a year long deployment, home & away from the most important person in my life.

This past weekend was beautiful. So simple and so perfect. It was relaxing at home with E, watching my favorite TV show for hours on end, eating home cooked meals and laughing. It was better than any party I missed out on, any alcohol that could have gotten me drunk. It was the perfect way to spend my time.

I'm getting stoked about next semester, though. Because no matter what direction life takes me, that's going to be happening. I'll only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays which is PERFECT for me. Every weekend will be a four day weekend as far as school goes. This will leave LOTS of time for going to Charlotte, working out, getting homework done, doing an internship and getting extra hours in at work.

Speaking of working out, I've totally put off losing weight long enough. I know why I've done it. I know it and it's embarrassing. I lose weight SO easily. Back in the spring of 2007, I met this guy who I became infatuated with. Older, hot, nice car... yep, that was all the motivation naive, 16 year old me needed to drop like 40 pounds in no time at all.

I was a size 10 people. A SIZE MO'FUCKING TEN!



I gained weight back, and then when E left for training I decided to lose more weight, BOOM. 20 pounds gone in like 2 months. And it's all back and I keep saying, "I'll start next week..." because I know when I start, it will come off. But I don't want to do that anymore. It isn't healthy. I already have scars that I'm not proud of that's resulted from my not keeping myself healthy; I already suffer a bit from my simply being lazy as hell.

So instead of starting tomorrow, or Monday. I'm starting right now. It'll be epic.

Hello, Overdue Blog Post

I've decided that I'm quite terrible at making myself sit down and blog on a regular basis. I've contemplated writing it in on my iCal to remind me to blog a few times a week, but I can't honestly say I have an intention from the beginning to follow through with it so I won't even bother.

I feel like it's been so long since I've said anything here, and the truth is, so much has changed. And I also feel like it's obvious to state that, because I feel like my life takes a new direction every single day. How awesome is that? I'm so thankful that my life doesn't stay the same day in and day out... sure, I love consistency, but I'm also appreciative that the bad times never stay bad for too long but also that they're around to help me appreciate the good times.

Last Thursday I bought the most important dress of my life. I don't know how to transition to that statement, so I find it best to just jump right to it. I bought THE dress.I didn't plan on it, but Candace and I ended up in Charlotte at David's Bridal for hours and finally, I picked one out. The whole process was surreal. We had our picture taken a few weeks ago, and that was a monumental point for me in our engagement because I could visually see a product (other than the ring of course) representing our engagement. But the dress? The dress is the first thing I have representing our wedding. It will be the last thing I wear as a single lady and the first thing I wear as a married woman. It's the dress that E will see me walk through the sanctuary in, the dress that should bring a tear to his eye. As I was trying them on, I was overwhelmed in the beginning. One actually brought a tear to my eye... not because it was "The One", but because it just hit me... I'm a bride. I sometimes just look down at my ring and try to soak in what it really means, how things will change and how good God has been to me.



The day after I bought my dress was my 21st birthday. I say that I hate my birthday, but in reality, I look forward to it secretively every year. And each year, I'm let down just a little bit more by harsh realities. It's a day that makes me miss my grandmother, long for more friends and a more closely-knit family. It makes me hate the army for keeping E away and it makes me regret staying at L-R... but it also does other things. It shows me who truly does care to make a phone call, who shows up to say I love you and who cares enough to try and coerce me to make a bigger deal out of it than I do.

I'm learning so much about myself right now... some of it's good, some of it's bad. I'm far too dependent with desires to be independent, sometimes. I'm so excited about marriage but I'm scared to death. What if I'm not a good fiance? What if I won't make a good wife? The distance from here to Charlotte kills me. I'm competing with miles and the miles always seem to win. I want nothing more than to get in my car every night and to drive straight "home" to him, but my "home" is where my heart is and my heart is cities away. I won't be able to go home for another year. It breaks my heart, really, to know that it's possible, but not the smartest idea, to be able to see him more than I do. Gas is expensive, the time we have together invaluable. Maybe I should prioritize a bit.

I did get to Shatley Springs this weekend, and it didn't disappoint. I spent time with my best friend's family, albeit more time than I had planned, and I enjoyed every minute (minus the carsickness). The leaves were beautiful on the drive up, the snow was beautiful once there and the company was, as always, the best part. There are days I stress about whether or not I'm a good enough friend, days I realize how short I really fall of where I should be... one fight with E saying things he didn't mean caused me to go into a panic about whether or not I was being replaced, about how replaceable I really am, and then there are weekends like the last that make me realize how lucky I am to just be where I am. They make me feel idiotic about my insecurities. And they remind me that I am more Grace than I care to admit.




Oh, and Ethan did get a job, though. Another bright spot. Finally prayers have been answered and he is at work. Soon, hopefully, his contract with UNCC ROTC will come through and we can finally sit down together and create a budget and savings plan. I am such a nerd, but I love a good spreadsheet. I love organizing and having a goal and reaching it and realizing how all my hard work has paid off. This week I've started looking for jobs, filling out online job profiles, searching for apartments and reading up about life in Charlotte. I'm getting excited.

Life is happening, so fast. I both love and hate it. I can't wait for tomorrow, but I miss yesterday, too.