Memorial Day, I Loved You!

If someone were to ask my what my absolute least favorite season is, I usually say summer. I talk about how I hate the heat and how lush, green grass turns into harsh, dry carpet. I mention getting stung for the first and only time on our gazebo by the pool, which no longer exists. I'm reminded of stifling hot cars and stinging metal seat belt buckles, not to mention sunburnt skin and my face becoming extra-oily. And then, summer gets here. It finally graces us with its presence and I forget how much I hate it. It's like the exact opposite of winter for me. I proclaim to love winter (and I do!) but then it gets here and I spend my days wishing it would go away. I forget that I hate being cold and that I dislike bulky coats and gloves.

Yesterday was Memorial Day, and although it is SO much more, many consider it to be the first "unofficial" day of summer. Summer actually doesn't start this year until June 21st but today it registered 98 degrees on LaDonna's car. That's enough evidence that summer has indeed arrived, if only by my own personal standards. I spent my day being as American as possible. I slept late, got ready, got a new bathing suit that I actually really like, put on a sundress and spent the afternoon grilling out, laughing and being with people I love so much.

Lindsey and Keaton came over to my house which pretty much made my whole day. I forget how much I love her. It doesn't even seem like it's only been three years that I've known her, because I feel like it's been a lifetime. The funny thing is that our senior year, we were close but we weren't THAT close. And then a week after summer came it was just like "BAM! Hey, new best friend!" I can remember staying at her house or her at mine, her mom talking about nipple stimulation which was the both the most AWKWARD and hilarious conversation I had ever been a part of, being there when she told her parents she was pregnant with Keaton (who is about to be an adorable 1 year old) and even devising an experiment that resulted in learning that termites do not have a preference for the color black because they're color blind. Seriously, why don't I hang out with her more? I miss my girl time. I miss her family and seeing Daddy Weaver and Lauren and her grandparents and her mom. I have decided that I am going to make an effort to see her at least once a week. There's really no excuse NOT to. That's actually a dumb goal because I well never stick to it. At least once every TWO weeks. If I had to describe my friendship with Lindsey, I would call it timeless. I never see us not being friends. She's the type that I can go a month without talking to and it's totally okay because I know without a doubt that we are still as close today as we were two years ago. Life changes and people change and I am a lucky girl because our friendship has remained so constant.

After my house, we went to Ethan's mamaw's house which was also so much fun. I love how youthful his mamaw is and how the whole family comes together so easily. There's good, southern cooking and laughter and an ease that just makes you feel like you're at home. I just feel like part of the family. There's no judgment there, no one feeling superior to anyone else. Which is probably why I was so okay with swimming for the first time in forever. And when I say "forever" I mean that I literally have not been in a swim suit in front of people in probably two years. Not even E. Before now, I avoided it like the plague. I'm extremely self conscious when it comes to the way I look. I think it's because I find myself surrounded by people who are either very, very judgmental and openly critical of how other people look and also because most of the people I hang out with are relatively fit, or are at least tan and pretty. I can't even find it in myself to feel badly for having negative self-image when I hear people who are literally skinny constantly talk about "Oh man, I've gained THREE pounds. I have to lose this. What a fatty." Are you serious? How about instead of going to the gym you swallow a gigantic gulp of Shut The Fo'Reak Up. I hear there are few calories in that but it's awfully filling.

Anyway. I ended up going back to E's house and we watched a movie and just hung out with each other. Ethan is the absolute sweetest right before he wants to go to bed and right when I'm that weird "I'm not asleep but I'm not awake" stage. I think he finds it incredibly easy to be the most sensitive person he wants to be then, because the chances of me remembering it 100% are slim but he knows I'll remember what he actually said. It's actually kind of adorable. He reminds me that he loves me and tells me that I'm beautiful and I always remember the last words he says before I drift off, "You're my girl and I love you, bug." This is usually followed by a kiss on my forehead before he sneaks back out of the room to go play xbox before re-joining me hours later. And by re-joining me, I mean he puts his sleeping bag on the floor and lets me have the bed because he's just that much of a gentlemen :)

I had such a good Memorial Day Weekend. I'd say that I'm dreading the heatwave that we're predicting summer to be, but that would be a lie because if every weekend in summer could go like this past weekend went, I'd be the most happiest girl in the entire world.

Today

Today was amazing. I spent almost all of it with the man I love more than anything on this Earth. Even when I tried to be mad at him for a minute, he made me laugh so hard that I couldn't even remember what I was mad over. I cried more in a day from laughing so hard than I have in weeks of being sad. I felt so much love from him and I got all the reassurance I could ever want that this was the best gift that God could ever give me. I am so in love with this man. He is the funniest person I know, the kindest soul I've come across and the most sincere friend I've ever had. I have never had the absolute desire to keep spending so much time with another person. I love my friends, I really do. But I have found that there is such a thing of too much of a good thing, and typically, I find myself going through phases with people. With ONE exception. I never tire of E. I never find myself wanting time alone, time with someone else and I am never, ever ready to leave. I don't even think I could define what it means to love him like I do in words. It sounds so cliche, I've even been called a liar for this next statement, but I fall more and more in love with him every day. Every minute I'm with him is more time to appreciate, respect and enjoy my Bug <3 How lucky am I that I'm in love with my best friend?

http://www.etsy.com/listing/63914621/i-heart-north-carolina

http://www.etsy.com/listing/64374343/tiny-love-studs

http://www.etsy.com/listing/63381572/penguin-party

So I decided...

...that I see things all the time that I'd like to have. I find the cutest stuff and say, "I really, really want that!" and then I forget that I want it and that's just silly. Of course life is about more than just your wants, but it doesn't hurt to have a few things that you're excited to get... not because you HAVE to have it, but because they make you smile. Feel free to ignore all the posts that have lables of "want". And feel free to avoid saying or thinking that it's materialistic to have wants...unless of course you intend to sell all of your possessions and move to Haiti to make a real difference like these people: http://www.facebook.com/rawilkinson#!/profile.php?id=100001587051166
Then you can fell free to judge me all you want. :)

What I'm Learning From You

It was a day like any other this morning. Hotter than what I'd like but at least it wasn't cold. I went to my internship, but left early. I got to May's Chapel at 1:05, and the receiving didn't start until 1:30. I didn't really have anywhere to go, so I sat in my car, across from the cemetery, and waited for Ethan. It hit me as I drove up, actually. I saw the familiar white hearse parked in front of the church and I lost it. He was so young. I saw the vault set up at the back of the cemetery with chairs being set out for the family; Matt would be laid to rest very close to my great aunt and only a few rows back from my beloved grandmother. It hit close to home; it wasn't a family member that had passed but he was, somehow, like a very, very distant cousin. The kind you care about but don't see, the one you'd be so happy to run into but would never call up. We walked in right after the men Matt worked with and got in line. Ethan was quiet. He knows Matt's brother very well, and his parents. Active in band for all four years, Ethan has a real relationship with the Langleys. The only relationship I had with them was Matt, aside from a Facebook connection with Josh. Ethan went first and he was fine until he saw Matt's dad. His dad had had it together, but embraced Ethan so tightly that I knew he was slowly falling a part. They cried together. He moved down the line, I hugged his family. Ethan tried, bless his heart, to tell the rest of the family who he was but he couldn't speak. When he saw Josh, who is typically a walking ball of energy and laughs, he just looked at Ethan and said, 'How about that hug now?'It broke E's heart; it broke my own. Each woman hugged me tighter, only one spoke. His grandmother. The dichotomy of that situation was astounding. Here, a woman was mourning the loss of her grandchild, while I still mourn my own grandmother. I don't know which situation is worse. The look on her face was of pain; there is no comfort in laying to rest a 22 year old 'kid'. His time was supposed to go on beyond her own, and yet, there she stood, kissing my cheek and thanking me for being there. This woman, along with her husband, were responsible for that entire church being filled; it was their legacy that had been cut so short, and yet she still found this brilliant sincerity to say thank you.

We left. Ethan tried to hide his emotions, brushed off my attempts at comforting him. He has no idea that in the moments of his weakness, when he is the most vulnerable and naive, that my heart finds a way to love him deeper. It's a side of him that I don't get to see often, but when I do, I remember it and cherish it and I thank God for it.

Recently I've been captivated at the thought of death; what it will be like, how 60 years on doesn't seem so far. It's silly almost, to assume I've got that much time left to live. I could be over tomorrow. Matt has shown me that. So unexpectedly, so quickly, his life was over. I thought a lot while we were waiting in line to see his family. I thought about how maybe I should have spent more time getting to know him, maybe I should have thought more about him and then I think that that's silly because I'm only saying that because he's dead, or am I? Maybe it takes death to make us appreciate what we've got, to make us appreciate the living. Maybe that is the point of death... through death comes rebirth of spirit, rekindling of friendships and forgiveness of those we've sworn not to forgive. Matt is teaching me through his death, through my mourning of the friend I never tried to stay in touch with.



I'll miss you, Matt. When I reminisce about high school, you will cross my mind and sometimes I might cry and other times I might smile but I will always be thankful and I will never forget you.

"Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return. They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness." Isaiah 51:11

Matt

Twenty-two years young. I hadn't spoken to you in years but I can't seem to get you off my mind today. Perhaps because you were only two years older than me, or because I can remember you so vividly. You always tried to get me to ride in your truck. I will never forget standing in the band room and you were telling me about something new you had gotten for it and said, "but it's not like I've had any luck getting you in it so far." or something so similar to that... I didn't trust you. The teacher even took me aside a few times and told me to be careful, it's not that you were a bad person, but I was younger. I was naive and you were older with a car and wanted to impress. You taught me how to get into a house without a key and you gave me an old wal-mart gift card from your wallet that had obviously picked it's fair share of locks. You were funny and nice, sweet and charming. I thought you were mildly attractive, but even back then, my eyes were set on E and I never had a real interest in anyone else. I pray for your brother now; your mom and your dad. I have no idea who you turned into after high school... I don't think I ever saw you. I'm sure you were wonderful until it was time for you to go. I'm convinced your remained kind-hearted and simple, in the most lovely of ways. I'll miss the man I knew, and perhaps the one I never got to know again.

2 Corinthians 5:8
We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

If there are things to break into in Heaven, I'm totally down for bringing this card that I still have.

Psalm 23

Psalm 23

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

So, I will re-read this every day...

17Yahweh said to me, 20“…any who speak in the name of other gods, or any prophet who presumes to speak in My name a word that I have not authorized him to speak–that prophet must die!” 21You may be asking, “How can we know whether the prophet is from Yahweh or not?” 22Here’s how–when a prophet speaks in Yahweh’s name, and the prediction does not take place, then Yahweh has not spoken. The prophet has spoken on his own, so you need not fear him. —Deuteronomy 18: 17, 20-22

Ewwww: The Dentist.

Kind of. An acquaintance of mine has completed her classes at CVCC and all she has to do to become a certified/official/whatever dental hygienist is to take this test in Chapel Hill in June. I noticed her plea on facebook to find someone who hadn't had their teeth cleaned in awhile to contact her. Apparantly she has to find someone who hasn't been to a dentist for a professional cleaning in a long time and take them to Chapel Hill with her as her patient and then preform a routine cleaning on them in front of a panel. Cool. So, I haven't had dental insurance in a million years which means I also haven't had my teeth professional cleaned in just as long. I emphasize the word professional because I actually brush my teeth twice a day and keep my mouth minty fresh all the time. But unfortunately, that really isn't enough... so tomorrow I'm meeting her at 9am at CVCC and she'll figure out if my mouth is good enough, or in her case bad enough, for me to be her patient. I actually REALLY hope it is. Even though I've been freaking about every possible horrible disease I could be getting because I haven't had the best dental care in the past 10 years, I will also breathe a heavy sigh of relief to know what exactly is going on in there and to get it fixed if need be. I'll also be asking a few questions about some things I've been hearing lately about how root canals can be related to certain infections and cancers. I know it sounds stupid but if you research it, not at all. Even if my mouth doesn't work for her, I'm going to be getting to a dentist soon. I know I'd feel much better if things were checked out and my mind was put to rest. I had a physical last October and things were fine then, so I'm actually starting to relax a LITTLE bit about my health. Anyway... positive thinking and prayers for tomorrow will do wonderfully for me :)

Calm down.

via Twitter (@lukasyoung)"Dear lord why are some people so Damn dramatic. Your life is only over when your heart is no longer beating. calm the Fuck down!! Geez."

What?!

I know someone who has fibromyalgia and also struggles with anxiety and stress, and I would ask her all the time, "how are you doing?" Sometimes she would say, "I'm having a good day today!", and other times, "Today is not so good..." And I never understood it. I did not understand how someone could one day be on this miraculous high, loving her life without a care in the world and the next day be bedridden from discomfort, depression and fear. I never understood it until this year. This year has been one of the most exhilarating, eye-opening years I've ever had (and it's only May!) but along with excitement and eagerness, I developed into someone who is, at times, overcome by anxiety. Unfortunately, anxiety attacks have become what seems like a bi-monthly event and my OCD has gotten a bit worse. I can't tell if it's caused by something behavioral, environmental or chemical but it's definitely put a strain on my relationships and on my daily living. Yesterday was very good and I was relatively calm; today I have been so anxious that I seriously feel as though if I allowed myself, I could cry a thousand tears and still not feel bit better. I wish I knew why I was like this. I hear about a disease and I immediately begin to allow fear to creep into my head; it isn't hypochondria, it's this obsessive negative thought pattern that takes what is an otherwise normal girl and turns her into a freaking nutcase. Until the day ends. And then the cycle repeats. Maybe. That's the reality of having anxiety issues. I digress...

Lukas tweeted the aforementioned tweet, albeit a bit more explicit than I have tried to keep my blog, it was amazing to read. Seriously. Life isn't over. I can dramatize, obsess, sensationalize and fear as much as I want but life is still going on. Until it doesn't. And then, my fears will be erased anyway. It's so dumb. I feel so stupid sometimes because for me to be so intelligent, I cannot get a grip. I allow myself to be consumed by negative thoughts and anxiety and I forget the most important things. I wish I had answers, I wish I could fix myself but I honestly can't. I've tried. Instead, I will re-read this. I just need to calm down.

Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

So many thoughts...

...have been spinning in my head. So many fears, uncertainties, doubts and disappointments. Those race after my excitements, happiness and joys. Anxiety is prominent but not the most prevalent part of who I am at the moment.

For weeks now I've been struggling with the church and who I am as Christian (if that was really what I was - apparently that, too, was up for discussion after having another 20% life crisis). I've been attending a church that has had such an impact on who I am. Ethan swears I'm a different person, and not in a good way. It's put a strain on our relationship with E and on my relationship with lots of people. I don't think it's fair that my growth has been looked upon so negatively by so many, but at the same time, I'm learning more about who I am and what I believe; I'm not done. I'm still trying to figure things out and decide how I really want to live my life, who I want to live it for. I thought that by running towards the church with open arms, that I would find answers but instead, I have developed a multitude of questions that I'm almost certain will never be explained. Of these, I have questioned Jesus. Not who He is or what He did, but just the whole idea of God sending someone to die and be ressurrected. I have a desire to learn and know more about Jesus but my logical mind makes me doubt and that infuriates me. All this time, though, I've had a bible verse that was written down for me years ago on my desktop. I didn't really know what it said but today I looked it up:

Colossians 1:15-20 (New International Version)

The Supremacy of the Son of God
15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

So relevant. So amazing. So lovely.

I want to continue to grow in Christ but I also want to be myself. I have to find balance.

Mother's Day

Today is mother's day and...

... I love my mom. I hope she's had the wonderful day that she's deserved.
... I miss my grandmother more than anything and I hope she can somehow feel that love, today especially.
... I am thankful that Gina had Ethan and raised him to be the man I want to marry.
... My heart cries for one person who I know terminated her pregnancy. I know today must be hard. I wish so desperately no one else would make that mistake.
... I can't wait to celebrate this day with my own kids one day.

2 Timothy 1:5 ESV I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well.

No Title Needed

Proverbs 8:17
"I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me.