Consider Yourself Forgiven.

Hey you. Yes, you. The one who will probably never see this, right there sitting beside the man who I thought caused all of this. You. Definitely, most definitely you.

First of all, hi. How are you? I most sincerely hope you're doing really, really well. Contrary to what society tells us to believe about people we may dislike, be angry with, etc., I do not believe that anyone deserves to not be doing well in life.

A couple of days ago, I saw you for the first time since this whole thing started. I say thing because I'm still sort of confused about what it even is or was. I can't call it a fight, really. We didn't fight. It isn't a disagreement because we didn't disagree about anything. I can't call it a break up because I don't think you break up with your friends. See? It's confusing and I can't figure out what the word is so I'm going with thing, so just humor me.

So for the first time in six months I saw you with your husband and son while I ran to the store for I can't remember. I looked like straight shit because I had just come from the gym, and from the 10 second glance I got of you, you looked really, really nice. I mean that. So, as I'm standing here in Target wondering why 1) I went out in public looking like a bum and 2) why I cared so much about whether or not you saw me looking like a bum, I got really, really emotional. I mean, it just hit me like nothing else.

My gut reaction was, "oh my gosh there she is there she is go apologize and fix it and -" yeah, that lasted about twenty seconds before I ran over my foot with my shopping cart and called my best friend. Because then, I got really really angry and wanted to run over your foot. I mean not seriously, but metaphorically.

So I call my best friend, and he's talking me down off this emotional cliff I've climbed up on while I distract myself long enough to find some of what I need. But then, because let's face it: I can't multitask and I need to find the right nuts for Ethan, I hang up. And I'm glancing at the 890982345 different choices Target offers for nuts and I start crying. I know, predictable, right? Because I cry about everything. A lady who knows exactly where her nuts are looks at me like I'm crazy as she hurriedly selects a jar and ushers her child forward so as not to make eye contact with my emotional self. Awesome.

Anyway. So I'm not 100% sure if you saw me but that part, I've discovered, is completely irrelevant. And I promise you, this is going somewhere.

Believe it or not, I've managed to not think about you or this thing much. Or at least, not until I saw you that night. Since that night, I've sort of thought about it a lot because, let's face it: I'm pretty crazy at the moment* *thanks deployment. 

And four pretty great things have come out of it. And it's ended really, really well for me. So I wanted to tell you what those things are because, well, really, I have you to thank for them.

1) For six months I've been super, crazy angry with your husband. And only a smidgen angry with you and that has been silly. You, as you have always been, are extremely intelligent and you have 100% control over yourself. You have made the decisions, not him. 

2) You were never really my friend. This part was especially shitty to realize. And definitely not one of my best friends. Best friends do not: cheat, lie, manipulate, intentionally hurt, let others tear down, ignore, or sacrifice their friends. All of these things should have been gigantic, flashing neon signs  in my direction that I was friends with someone who was not really my friend. But I was obviously not paying attention. ANYWAY.

3) My gut reaction is to always apologize even when whatever it is, isn't my fault. Because I hate having fights or arguments or things with people. But here's the thing: I'm totally not sorry this time. I think God heard the wheels in my head turning and was like, "Bitch please, I'm going to make you roll over your own foot so you snap out of it because you. are. not. apologizing. this. time." And it was a painful little lesson but I learned it. I'm not going to ever apologize to you for being a freaking awesome friend. I'm sorry you didn't REALIZE how awesome I was, but I'm not sorry that you threw it all away.

4) Okay, number three is pretty huge for me. Ready? I completely forgive you. I forgive you for all of this. I forgive you for that time you lied to your parents about the voicemail on the answering machine and blamed it on my husband which was literally years ago. I forgive you for all those times you used me as a cover up for doing things you should not have been doing. I forgive you for all of the lies and half-truths that I know about, and even the ones I don't. I forgive you for not telling me how your husband felt about me and my own husband, even when you knew. I forgive you for dropping me like a bad habit three days before my husband deployed. I forgive you for the lack of explanation. I forgive you for not having the guts to tell people the truth about why I'm not around anymore.

For the all the back stabbing.
For all the lying.
For disrespecting my husband and I.
For taking advantage of our generosity.


Everything, I swear, I forgive you.