Late Night Musing

Today is just one of those "blah" days. I should be super excited because my workload decreased overnight, my husband is off at work and I've got the couch to just me and the dogs, watching TV and winding down before bed. But, I am not excited at all. I'm jittery, like if I were to have had too much caffeine but I'm not super awake. I'm definitely sleepy. I'm nervous. Each day that passes is another day closer to deployment. Another day closer to the danger and the fear and the worry and the stress. Another day closer to the leaving and the goodbyes and the see you soon's. I go through phases of excitement for his experience, not worrying at all and then back to being scared to death. The other day, we were at the movies and we were watching 21 Jump Street - very funny movie - and we're holding hands and I just start to cry a LOT. Your mind just starts racing with "what if this is one of the last movies we watch before he leaves?" and God forbid it ever be the last one period... it just happens. It's something I haven't found that many people understand or know how to relate to. It bothers me a lot... being off a post is hard because the support of a military system isn't really there. Even people who have friends that serve don't really get it. And yeah, there ARE times I just feel kind of sorry for myself and my marriage and I don't even care right now.

So much has happened in the past few months, especially weeks... I'm so disappointed and hurt in some places, and in other's I'm doing so well. I have never wanted to fast forward through a year and half so badly. It's nights like tonight when it's getting late and I can't just call E (even though he's just at work) that I realize what I'm up against in the next few months. I wish I could freeze time and just hang in my moments with him.

My now ex-best friend has completely blocked me out of every aspect of his life, making amending any situation hopeless. I have to admit, I went out with a wine-induced bang. I didn't have much to lose though. I wish I were less apathetic about it. I miss who he was about a year ago but he's just really not the same anymore... it made me sad to see him turn out so oddly, sort of being who he was senior year of high school. We both changed but I tried so hard to make things just be normal. He cost me so many other friendships along the way and it just makes me so mad to think about. Ugh. I guess when you're at the stage of life he's in, nothing matters. You have no clue what life is really like, your biggest concern is your grades and it's just easy to throw people to the side that gave a damn about you. I grew up so much faster and the real world welcomed me gracefully leaving him behind in this awkward childhood/adulthood/notknowingwherelifeisgoinghood. I could have used a movie night this past week. I miss his family a lot, which is weird. Maybe not since I'm like an emotional time bomb right now and will probably remain this way until Ethan leaves and returns.

The weirdest thing is that I don't even cry much anymore about anything, other than my little episode in the movie theater. I used to cry all the time and now I sort of just feel numb. A few months ago, I would have been crying every night about E leaving. I would have sobbed on the way to Boone trying to fix a friendship. I would have bawled my eyes out at the stress of trying to graduate. Now? Eh. It's all just a big freaking pile of whatever. No tears, no sessions of sulking... just a constant state of numb. It's weird. I don't think this is what depression is like because I still laugh and enjoy life. But it's like I have this fog around me that's thin enough where I still enjoy things and still feel pain, but it's thick enough that nothing is too extreme. It's just this grey state of blah.

And I miss my Mamaw Jean SO bad tonight. Her name did bring a tear to my eye...