I've decided that I'm quite terrible at making myself sit down and blog on a regular basis. I've contemplated writing it in on my iCal to remind me to blog a few times a week, but I can't honestly say I have an intention from the beginning to follow through with it so I won't even bother.
I feel like it's been so long since I've said anything here, and the truth is, so much has changed. And I also feel like it's obvious to state that, because I feel like my life takes a new direction every single day. How awesome is that? I'm so thankful that my life doesn't stay the same day in and day out... sure, I love consistency, but I'm also appreciative that the bad times never stay bad for too long but also that they're around to help me appreciate the good times.
Last Thursday I bought the most important dress of my life. I don't know how to transition to that statement, so I find it best to just jump right to it. I bought THE dress.I didn't plan on it, but Candace and I ended up in Charlotte at David's Bridal for hours and finally, I picked one out. The whole process was surreal. We had our picture taken a few weeks ago, and that was a monumental point for me in our engagement because I could visually see a product (other than the ring of course) representing our engagement. But the dress? The dress is the first thing I have representing our wedding. It will be the last thing I wear as a single lady and the first thing I wear as a married woman. It's the dress that E will see me walk through the sanctuary in, the dress that should bring a tear to his eye. As I was trying them on, I was overwhelmed in the beginning. One actually brought a tear to my eye... not because it was "The One", but because it just hit me... I'm a bride. I sometimes just look down at my ring and try to soak in what it really means, how things will change and how good God has been to me.
The day after I bought my dress was my 21st birthday. I say that I hate my birthday, but in reality, I look forward to it secretively every year. And each year, I'm let down just a little bit more by harsh realities. It's a day that makes me miss my grandmother, long for more friends and a more closely-knit family. It makes me hate the army for keeping E away and it makes me regret staying at L-R... but it also does other things. It shows me who truly does care to make a phone call, who shows up to say I love you and who cares enough to try and coerce me to make a bigger deal out of it than I do.
I'm learning so much about myself right now... some of it's good, some of it's bad. I'm far too dependent with desires to be independent, sometimes. I'm so excited about marriage but I'm scared to death. What if I'm not a good fiance? What if I won't make a good wife? The distance from here to Charlotte kills me. I'm competing with miles and the miles always seem to win. I want nothing more than to get in my car every night and to drive straight "home" to him, but my "home" is where my heart is and my heart is cities away. I won't be able to go home for another year. It breaks my heart, really, to know that it's possible, but not the smartest idea, to be able to see him more than I do. Gas is expensive, the time we have together invaluable. Maybe I should prioritize a bit.
I did get to Shatley Springs this weekend, and it didn't disappoint. I spent time with my best friend's family, albeit more time than I had planned, and I enjoyed every minute (minus the carsickness). The leaves were beautiful on the drive up, the snow was beautiful once there and the company was, as always, the best part. There are days I stress about whether or not I'm a good enough friend, days I realize how short I really fall of where I should be... one fight with E saying things he didn't mean caused me to go into a panic about whether or not I was being replaced, about how replaceable I really am, and then there are weekends like the last that make me realize how lucky I am to just be where I am. They make me feel idiotic about my insecurities. And they remind me that I am more Grace than I care to admit.
Oh, and Ethan did get a job, though. Another bright spot. Finally prayers have been answered and he is at work. Soon, hopefully, his contract with UNCC ROTC will come through and we can finally sit down together and create a budget and savings plan. I am such a nerd, but I love a good spreadsheet. I love organizing and having a goal and reaching it and realizing how all my hard work has paid off. This week I've started looking for jobs, filling out online job profiles, searching for apartments and reading up about life in Charlotte. I'm getting excited.
Life is happening, so fast. I both love and hate it. I can't wait for tomorrow, but I miss yesterday, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment