The 180 Degree Turn I Did Not Make

Yesterday, I drove by Lukas' house on the way to see family for Easter. In my head, I planned out this entire 180 degree turn in the middle of Davis Road. I so badly wanted to knock on the door and fix things. Not with this naivety that things would go back to being exactly how they were, but with this desire to make things not as bad as they were when things sort of just flat-out ended. I cannot think of one other person on this Earth that I have had a falling out with like that, where at least sometime later down the road things were patched up, or even reversed.

E's cousin asked me where he was, since it was a holiday and he usually came with me to that specific house. I told her we weren't really talking anymore and tried to drop it. And then she cornered me, wanting me know exactly why. I tried to tell her but it sounded silly. There really isn't a decent reason. Maybe time has made me forget exactly how deep the words cut, but I look back and just sigh.

E and I talk about having kids often. I pray that their friendships are cherished and that they do not make the same mistakes we have made. I pray that they will hug often, love without ceasing and always pinky-promise and keep it (unless they need to tell their momma, in which case pinky-promises ALWAYS have an un-spoken stipulation to tell mom). I so badly want them to feel connected to other people and know what it means to trust. I want them to make up secret hand shakes and beg me to spend the night at their friend's house (who has way cooler toys than we do, duh.)

I want them to grow up and convince me to let them stay at the movies alone while I creep five rows behind them without ever being discovered in my disguise. And when they are older, I want them to understand the meaning of the words best friend. Sometimes many people will deserve that title, and some times only one. I want them to cherish it and I want them to remember how to pinky-promise even when they're "grown up" because they will always be valid.

But most importantly, I never want them to be afraid to make a 180 degree turn in the road and fix things. It's totally okay to do that. I didn't. I should have.