Death

It has been awhile since I've had the time, made the time or perhaps utilized the time to blog. I love it when I get the chance though so I'm definitely glad to be doing it now.

I mentioned this in a blog post a few weeks ago that I was becoming obsessed with the idea and thoughts of death and at the time it was said in a half-serious way but I just thought it was because of my dog and that I'd get over it. Sadly, I didn't. Last week was honestly the worst week I had had dealing with it and it was just overwhelming. I had opened up to Ethan a little but about it at the beginning of the week and he seemed supportive but mildly annoyed. I think it was mostly because he didn't quite know what to say but also because he hated seeing my so distressed. During the first part of the week I tried to keep it to myself but eventually, it all came tumbling down and I found myself having two anxiety attacks in one day. I haven't had those in a long time. I did a little research online (and not my typical WebMD type of research) and I found lots of support groups for what I was going through but they were ALL based out of OCD websites. Interesting. I've always thought I had a mild case of OCD and even as a kid displayed several OCD tendencies but I've also never been formally diagnosed and just assumed it was just a part of who I was. I was a bit relieved to know that I wasn't the only one who had anxiety attacks brought on by the thoughts of death/dying/finite life but it didn't calm me down as much as I would have liked. Ethan had stayed with me Thursday night and it was such a wonderful day. I truly loved spending so much time with him and I was feeling so good... I got to work Friday afternoon and things sort of fell apart. Too much time to think and too many negative thoughts meant that I was on the road for falling apart. I called E and he just listened to me and let me cry and instead of irritation he said all the right words. Instead of saying that he didn't know what to say or didn't have any advice to give, he mustered up the strength to say the perfect things and to be the best part of me. I felt better going into the weekend but I still have this uneasy feeling. I'm hoping this will pass but I don't really know, to be honest.

Before all of that I was was dealing with a really stressful week at school, staying up super late to finish a final paper and tying up a few loose ends before school starts to wind down. I'm trying to finalize a schedule for summer that I can get myself on. I think that if I were more organized and more more prepared that I would be more able to concentrate on the now and less on the future. I think part of being less anxious about death is being more anxious about the present day, that is, to enjoy the time you have. Unfortunately, I don't enjoy much of anything. Even time I spend with friends seems like a chore because I feel rushed to get to them, rushed to get ready and sometimes, rushed to get done. So i've made lots of plans to clean and get rid of things I don't need so that I can just relax more and spend more time doing things I enjoy.

I have lots more to blog about (this was actually written yesterday) but I'm thinking about doing a vlog for all of that... we'll see :) I don't know that anyone would actually watch it! haha