Old But Good

This was on my old blog. It's the only post I didn't want to delete, so I moved it here for safe keeping. It's so funny to read something you wrote a year ago and realize that it's still relevant today.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Changing my Plans

I'm finally coming to terms with Ethan's decision to enlist in the military. I suppose, more than anything, I am just in a little shock. If anyone knows me really well, they know that I'm a big fan of "plans". Someone once told me that if you want to be successful, all you need are three things: A short term, 5 year and 10 year plan. Well, that made sense to me. Now, I'm not suggesting that my 5 year and 10 year plans are mapped out perfectly. I have no idea what will come my way during my journey in life, but I have goals. The problem is, I did not factor military life into any of my plans.

Now, I know that some people might say, "This is not your life to plan, the military isn't in any of your plans." And, to those people, I feel like I need to offer a little insight. I know we're young. And, Ethan and I are by no means planning on running off to the courthouse before he even leaves for basic traning, but, we are in this relationship for the long run. I understand that we have no way of knowing where life will take us, but God has blessed our relationship for over two years and, after committing so much of your time and love into one person, it is hard to not plan for your future without them. No, we aren't engaged. But, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him. So, when Ethan joins the military, our lives change.

I suppose the National Guard is better than flat out joining the Army, however, North Carolina has the highest rate of deployment for National Guard. Also, our government is flat out abusing the National Guard anyway, so his likelihood of being deployed is pretty damn good. I'm not prepared for the worry, the anger, the sadness, the surprise, the frustrations and the responsibility of waiting.

But, I have to take a step back. Since when am I in charge of my plans? God has my plans in His hand. I might think I've got it all planned out and then, God says, "No, Olivia. That is not where you are going in life." And just as easily as I mapped out my future, God steps in and changes my direction. I know that, in reality, Ethan is not saying "I am changing your plans", but rather God is taking us in His hands and saying, "These were your plans all along." It's a tough pill to swallow, I'm not going to lie. It's absolutely humbling and amazing when you think about how little in control you are of your own life, and yet, at the same time, we have the power to change it and mold it as we wish. We can either comply with God's wishes are we can reject Him and hope for the best. "Trust in the Lord". Such wonderful advice, but at the same time, it's kind of lousy. Okay, trust. But how? How can I trust when I am so worried and confused? How am I supposed to know that my prayers are being heard, answered, wait-listed? I know that these questions are all part of my Christian journey, and the answers won't ever appear in the fashion that I would like, and maybe that's part of the joy when you're prayers are answered.

So, I suppose my "coming to terms" with Ethan's decision is not really about Ethan at all, but rather, I am beginning to run to God and tell him,

"God,I cannot deal with this alone. I need Your help. I need you to take Ethan under your wing and walk with him as he embarks on this journey. Lord,take me and guide me down the path that You, not I, have chosen. I pray that you watch over us and let us know that Your wishes are being carried out. Lord, please protect Ethan and every man or woman entering the military and those who already have made a commitment to their country. Bring peace and comfort to their families and friends, and Lord, thank you for never failing to change my plans. Amen."

Isaiah 42:16 - "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."